Well hello there...it has been quite some time!
I am finally getting settled in and adjusting to all the changes that have just occured in my life, so I thought it was about time to do a little update.
Where to begin? I guess the most exciting update is that I have officially moved out of my parent's home and into my own apartment here in town. It is wonderful. Almost 1,000 square feet of my very own personal space. I have a screened in porch, tiled sunroom, kitchen with brand new stainless appliances, laundry with all new washer/dryers, huge walk in, separate vanity area for me to mess up with all my makeup (and still keep my bathroom looking presentable for guests, woo) and a great little bedroom. I even have a fireplace, though I will probably NEVER need it in Florida. The community itself is great, as well. Super shaded with awesome oaks and various other trees and it is really quiet and set back in a neighborhood. It has a 3 mile walking trail around the community, plus a renovated pool and a fitness center that is rather spacious. My little courtyard/area of units has been dubbed "moderation square" by the current residents. Most of my neighbors have lived here for 15-20 years and have done all kinds of landscaping and even wrapped hte giant oak in the middle with white christmas lights that they light up every night! It is so cute :) They invited me to the building maypole party they are throwing...cute, right? Anyway, I am loving living by myself. I can dance around in my underwear or turn my music up and I can keep the temperature exactly as I please. I do have to work a lot harder to keep myself accountable recovery wise, which is probably the hardest part about living alone.
Second exciting change - I started my new job on Monday. My official title is a Healh Coach for a newly formed ACO (accountable care organization). Basically, under the new healthcare reform they created these things called ACO's, which are supposed to shift healthcare to a more patient-centered, cost efficient type of care by targeting high risk patients (right now it's high risk medicare patients) being seen by doctors that have opted to join an ACO and then utilize clinical managers and health coaches to help work with them on preventative care and chronic disease management and keep them out of the hospitals and specialty offices and using their primary care doctors instead. So, my job will eventually be making hospital and home visits to patients, helping them manage their medications, utilize personal health records that they can take to their doctor visits with them, helping get them to doctor appointments and making good use of those appointments, helping with diet and smoking cessation and various other things that contribute to poor health. Basically, I will be doing a lot of case management. The program is still new so I am helping to get some things organized and in line so we can start actually working with the patients and not just the numbers. It should be interesting when I get to go out and do home visits! It has been a little stressful just because I don't really know a lot about what is going on right now with the business side of things but I am doing what I can on my end to better understand my role and what I will be doing. Here's to hoping.
Recovery wise, I am fighting the fight on a daily basis. Anyone who says recovery is easy is crazy. I have yet to get a therapist on board, which I know is probably not a good thing. I just keep wondering how I am going to fit in more appointments now that I am working but then I stop and think "i'm prioritizing work over recovery and it is supposed to be the other way around." I have had a hard time feeling motivated to go to my other appointments, like my dietitian and psychiatrist. I really like both of them, don't get me wrong, but I guess I just feel so far removed from an intense treatment team and intensive eating disorder work that I almost trick myself into thinking that I've done all the work that needed to be done and I am "over it." False. I clearly have days when I know I am not over it. In fact, that would be most days. It is just that those good days are the ones that cloud everything else and make me think I am all dandy. I also have some medical stuff going on that I need to get checked out, which I would normally be super on top of, but I have even been unmotivated to make some necessary doctor's appointments that I KNOW would provide me with answers and help me to feel better. I think I just feel SO burnt out on doctors and appointments that I don't want to do them anymore. I just want to go to work, come home, lay there, and then go to sleep. I have literally no energy. Maybe that is part of the medical mystery I'm also dealing with. Who knows.
What I do know is that I just wish I could wake up one day, just once, look in the mirror and be relatively okay with what I see. I know that what I am seeing is most likely not what other people see when they look at me, but even that logic doesn't settle my mind because I still have to look at the image staring back at me. I don't know how my lenses got so distorted in the first place. It's sad really, to think of how the brain can turn something so basic as a mirrored reflection into a torturous funhouse version that is so far from accurate...sorry, that was my little soapbox.
on a positive recovery note, i did get a milkshake today! i had been craving one for a lonnnng time so i finally got one, and drank it! and it was delish.
so yea, it is tough. everyday is a fight between body and mind. everyday is a war within myself. but each battle i win gets me one step closer to full freedom. so i'm going to keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
much love, <3>
hey love. your new job sounds totally awesome. case management is so important because navigating the health care system is damn near impossible and having an advocate is such a worthwhile thing. you are going to make such a difference for people. it sounds really meaningful.
ReplyDeletecongrats on the new apartment. i know what you mean about having your own space. i moved out of my parents' house about 2 months ago, and while it's a challenge, it's also so freeing. and it validates that i *am* competent and capable of being a responsible adult, which is something i have a lot of negative self-talk about.
as far as recovery goes, i hear you. it's a ton of work. and i don't know how many times people have told me that body image is the last to go. but it sounds like you've got some clarity of at least being able to separate your eating disorder from what is actually true. that's a good first step, and it will do wonders for you. the first step in fixing a distorted body image is realizing that it's distorted. and i know we all "know" that because we've heard it so much but it takes a lot of strength to accept it and believe that we are the ones who are not seeing correctly, not other people. but believe me, you're not fooling anyone, no one is lying to you, and the people in your life aren't blind. i just want to validate for you that it's such a struggle but that i truly believe we will both move past it. i've been having moments of clarity lately where i see what i think i "really" look like and it's been weird. but definitely a step. and then it goes away and the ed stuff comes back, but at least i know they can't both be true, so i can challenge it. keep winning battles, girl. you are a fighter! recovery and independence and feeling "healthy" and not like your body's breaking down are such beautiful things and you deserve them so much. be good to yourself-- you are worth it!! so proud of all the work you're doing <3
No, and I said that. I'm just having motivation issues right now. Getting a therapist appt is on my agenda for this coming week. And yes, I am 'full of shit.' I haven't been to the bathroom in days!! ;)
ReplyDeleteCan you write about your experience at Shades of Hope?
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