“The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.”

i'm currently driving on the rumble strip.
you know, that strip of pavement on each side of the road that is really bumpy and the sole purpose is to wake you up or snap you back into focus when driving?
well, according to my dietitian, that is where i currently reside.
met with her today, after completing a week of her recommendations and meal plan adjustments, only to find out that i still wasn't headed in the right direction physically and in fact was headed even further in the wrong direction. i'm sure you can imagine a) my shock because none of that made sense (after all, i had done what was asked of me and was even bloated from martha monthly) and b) my disappointment and frustration that the hard work wasn't even beginning to pay off. we talked through the shock as she explained to me that my lifestyle has become much more active as well as the increase in the meal plan could have jumpstarted my metabolism and caused it to rev temporarily. so that makes sense, but i still felt disappointed with my body. as we were talking i got up the nerve to tell her how i felt leaving the prior session and how i thought everyone was so disappointed in me. i also expressed my confusion because when i came to speak at family week a month ago i got great feedback and everyone said i looked great, yet nothing drastic has changed physically and all of sudden i'm not okay. she first told me that she wasn't disappointed in me. she felt that i was trying and that we just needed to make adjustments to combat the increase in activity and lack of a fully supplied pantry. she told me that she somewhat expected there to be the rocky patch that comes with a big transition. and she told me that it was going to be neat to work with me on doing something i've never done - getting back up and pulling myself up while refusing to just let go and give in. she described it like riding on the rumble strip of the road. it took me a minute to even figure out what that was and what she meant with that analogy. i mean, rumble strip? i didn't even think about those...my mind has a tendency to go straight from road to ditch...no warning bumps involved. but i like that anaolgy because it challenges my perfectionistic thinking...and she was right. i've never actually TRIED to get back on track when i strayed. i always just found excuses and gave in. so the mere act of taking her advice and adjusting my meal plan was a big step for me. definitely not a comfortable one, but a step in the right direction, at least.
i really like my dietitian, but moreso how she challenges me and challenges my old thinking patterns. even if they aren't direct eating disordered thoughts that i'm dealing with, she challenges all the thinking that goes along with that like perfectionsim, catastrophizing, black and white thinking, etc. those are my real killer areas and they tend to get brushed over or pushed aside. being forced to deal with them and look at them is what really helps me to stay on track.
recovery isn't perfect.
recovery isn't perfect.
recovery isn't perfect.
i'm going to remind myself, and you, of that on a fairly routine basis. i've got to challenge my perfectionism, realize that gray area does indeed exist, and learn to deal with the middle ground...the messy middle ground.
now, on a totally random note - i started job training today! i felt so professional and grown up with my slacks and button down. i stopped to get gas this morning, with all of the other working professionals! this little girl is growing up ;)
<3

life as i know it...

Hi, my name is Leah Beth and I'm an eco-friendly.
Just kidding.
But seriously, I've had such a blast this weekend and spent most of it on a bicycle! I brought my bike to tulsa with the intention of riding it, and in the two weeks i've been here, i've yet to ride. So naturally, I jumped at the chance to ride with some friends from brookside to downtown and then all around downtown. A couple of my friends and I met on brookside, rode the 4-5 miles to downtown, where we stopped to have a drink and hang out for a while, then made the trek back. It was crazy because I've always biked on sidewalks or trails, never on the road with traffic. I was pretty terrified at first but once I got over the initial fear it felt SO freeing! I mean, coolest feeling in the world! Reminded me of how much fear can hold me back from experiencing really neat things in life. I tend to be more on the fearful side so learning to take a few risks has made me feel that much stronger. Anyway, we got back late last night and needless to say, i was pooped.
I took it easy most of today, minus riding my bike to the drug store. I love that I live in a city where I can just hop on my bike and ride to the grocery, or the drug store, or bookside, or cherry street. Okay, not going to lie, the hills here in tulsa are KILLER. I'm sure with time and practice they will get easier but yea, my thighs are still burning, lol.
Yea, I pretty much just love life right now. Even if things aren't always great, I'm learning to love where I am in life, and learning to love this crazy journey I am on. Being an adult has always been scary for me. In a way, I feel like I grew up way before my time in terms of some of the things I went through and how my world views were shattered pretty early on, yet other times I feel like I'm not really an adult, even though I am 26 years old. I needed this move to show me that I can be an adult, I can be responsible.
I'm starting to feel alive again, which is a great thing. I'm realizing now all of the things I missed out on, and now that I am truly experiencing life, I feel confident that I will never get back to the place I was a year ago. There is just too much I want to do with my life and too many things I enjoy that I am not willing to give up or let go of again. It's a great feeling to actually want life. Who knew I'd ever get here?!
Hope everyone had a great weekend!
<3

realizations and reflections

I had a really good session with my therapist this morning.
Went in feeling tired and stressed and embarrassed and ready to process the whole meeting with my dietitian/weight thing. Plus, I had more to process as a friend of mine put in a pass to go to dinner with me tonight and her pass got denied. I can't help but think it is partially related to me and where I am at with things...and that makes me discouraged, but even moreso it makes me pissed.
Let me back up and explain.
So, i wrote earlier about my session with my dietitian not going as planned. Well, right before I went into that session I talked with my friend AND my dietitian about where we could go to dinner, etc. Then I had session, she informed me about where I stand weight wise, and voila! pass denied. Now, I do realize that there could be other reasons that the pass didn't get approved...reasons I may not even know about. But it messed with my head. I explained earlier about how embarrassed I feel and how I kept wondering what everyone was thinking of me and a gammut of other thoughts and feelings. I tend to do a lot of mind-reading, as my therapist so gently reminded me of today. Add in some embarrassment and a dash of guilt and you get a magic crystal ball. So, I processed these events with my therapist today, spending a good half a session venting about how people probably think I'm such a hypocrit now, and how I think I'll just cancel all my appointments with my dietitian from now on since I'm too embarrased to even show my face. Woah. Slow down, right? Well, that's what she had me do. Yes, those are legit issues but the degree of passion and anger I had when venting to her signaled that something else was really going on. I hadn't actually stopped to think about what was really fueling all of this madness until she made me stop and think about it.
Turns out, the real issues lie much deeper.
I've been feeling an enormous amount of pressure since leaving Laureate last September to be the perfect recovery role model. I've been terrified to admit when I have a bad day or slip up because, God forbid, I might actually be human and prone to making mistakes. I've felt this need to please everyone because I've caused years of worry and for once, can allow others the opportunity to catch a breath and not have to worry. This feeling of pressure has increased even more since moving back to tulsa. I desperately do not want to disappoint people that care the most about me...my parents, my team, my friends. I'm so afraid of disappointing people. It's always been easier to be sick because people just expect for your life to go nowhere, for your appointments to gradually get worse, your weight to drop, and your mood to become increasingly irratic and depressed. It's a lot harder to live up to people's expectations, continually work to not disappoint or let anyone down, and to do things the "right" way. Hence, my fear of success has always been greater than my fear of failure.
We also processed my level of stress and how I'm actually currently experiencing a lot of stress and yet I pretend like I have no stress whatsoever. Let's break it down. I just moved across the country, am living with a roommmate that I just met, trying to figure out how to budget, about to start a job, will be going to school starting in October, all while paying bills and applying to 5 different nursing programs (a mountain of stress in and of itself!). Clearly, the way in which I have been coping is simple avoidance. I just don't think about it, therefore it's not there. Or at least I can pretend it's not there until deadlines creep up on me and I have a meltdown because I didn't tackle the issues in time, or in a managable way.
All in all, my session allowed to take a look at what was underneath some of the superficial, surface level emotions and feelings. It now makes sense why I would have felt so disappointed and embarrassed hearing that I'm not exactly where I need to be physically right now, even though I had no reason to be embarrassed as most of it was stress related anyway, and i've still been doing recovery. It was just the idea that I had somehow let everyone down that got to me.
Oh, the people pleasing devil. How it gets me.
Recovery isn't always going to be perfect. In fact, nothing is ever going to be perfect, so why stress myself out over trying to be something that is nonexistent?
Some of my goals are to work on not personalizing things until I have checked them out with the right people (i intend to talk to my dietitian and ask her specifically if I disappointed or let anyone down.)
I'm also going to make plans and lists to help me stay organized and reduce some of the "overwhelmingness" i'm feeling.
I also intend on finding things here that I can do and find fun and relaxing :)
And that is about it.

Funny how things change - how we change...

It's funny how life can change so drastically in a very short year.
I spent the majority of the afternoon with a good friend I met while at Laureate. We bonded like not many do, and give each other such a sense of energy and happiness. As we talked over coffee and then milled around Utica Square, we reminisced about the funny moments we experienced during treatment and all the memories we had from those times together. We laughed about how we somehow managed to make a very sucky situation fun and lively. Our therapists and other staff may have been bordering on crazy by the time we both left, but I'd like to think we brought some life into a very dull treatment world. Though our energy level and ability to laugh and goof off has not changed, so much about each of us has changed and we are different people than we were a year ago. We both find ourselves learning how to be independent adults. We both desire a life outside of treatment. We both have an unspoken knowledge that we will never, ever end up in treatment again. How nice it is to share a zest for life with someone who walked along side you in your darkest times. I felt very inspired after spending the afternoon with her, as we both confirmed our love for food, ourselves, and life in general. It hasn't been easy getting to where I am, or she is, today. We've both encountered tremendous struggles, triumphs, setbacks, and forward motion. I love hearing from other women I was in treatment with about their victories in overcoming this awful disease. It renews in me a sense of hope, that there is a reason and purpose for recovering, and that there is an "out." I've thought for over a decade that I'd never escape the throes of an eating disorder. That I'd always be flawed and tainted. I had given up hope that I'd ever actually be free. This afternoon, spending time with someone else who has battled and is winning, made me feel strong again...made me feel hopeful. We were joking and talking about how awesome it is going to be to be friends in the "real world" and not just tied to treatment. We have so much more fullness and richness to our lives now that we can share with each other. I'm so excited to get to spend more time with her, as we have lots of plans for the future (but that is totally our personalities!). Biking to the farmer's market, coffee dates, opening our own booth at the flea market, and just hanging out are a few of the to-do's on our list.
I love that I can have relationships on a totally different level now that I am practicing recovery. I can actually be present and experience them as they are meant to be experienced. I can laugh from the heart, a true laughter, and be real. I can do so many things now that I never thought I'd be able to do again.
I have my days when recovery seems daunting and more like a chore than something I really want. I have my days when things don't always go perfect or smooth, and I contemplate making unhealthy decisions. But I don't. I cannot let myself because I know if I do, I won't be able to pull myself out of that rut. I simply know that going back, to those dark days, is just not an option anymore. I have too much I want to do with my life, goals for the future, and a drive, to let myself sink back into that hollowness.
For the first time in a long time, I want  to live. I want to experience the world firsthand, and I want to be free. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I'm so glad I didn't give up the fight. It is so worth every minute of it.

1-800-wake up call

I found myself in kind of a funk from the time I woke up. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was some residual sleeping pill effects, or maybe it was just the reality that I actually live here, on my own, finally sinking in. Not really sure what the cause, but I kind of remained in that funk all day.
I know things will look a lot brighter next week when I start training for my job. I'm definitely glad I will have some structure to my days. This whole sitting around thing sounds fun in theory, but really kind of blows, haha.
I had a dietitian appointment with Leah today. She had me log all of my food and exercise for the past week to share with her today. Of course, any type of food journaling is basically the bane of my existence. It's a lose-lose situation for me, personally. Anway, I obliged and followed through with the committment I had made. I went to the appointment honestly thinking that everything was great, as I have been doing the same things to a T that I was doing with my dietitian back home. I was eating the same amount, exercising for the same length of time/number of days as my old dietitian had been aware of, so I had no reason to think differently. Also, my dietitian at home had been keeping up with my weight and expressed no concerns. In fact, she told me that she felt my body was finally settling at its set point. Great, right? Wrong.
I got blindsided.
Leah proceeded to inform me that my weight is not where it should be. Though not far off, she wants me to trend upward for a short time to make sure I stay in a safe zone. Understandable. Yet the idea of adding on and trending upward caused some momentary panic. I am finally getting comfortable in my skin, and actually starting to like my body. I have been stable weight wise for a while now, and feel strong and healthy. I can work, go to school, socialize with friends, and be active, so why the need to change a situation that is currently going well? I get where she is coming from and trust her, so I am following recommendations that were made, but it is just hard to wrap my mind around that one. And that is what it really boils down to. The whole battle has been much more a mental battle than physical. Yes, the physical aspect was painfully hard and even harder to overcome, but the mental battle has always felt like trying to change the impossible.
As I left her office today, I got to thinking about why I had so many feelings arise during our session. Yes, I hate change. Yes, I felt blindsided with information that I didn't realize and know. Yes, I felt scared of the implications. But really, I mostly felt embarrassed and slightly disappointed after the session. I felt embarrassed that I wasn't where I needed to be and left wondering what people were thinking or how they viewed me knowing that information, and I felt disappointed that I had become so lax with my recovery. Though still very much in recovery, a while back I began to tell myself that I was over all of this, that I had everything under control, and that I no longer had an eating disorder. For some people, this may be the case, but for me at this point in time, I still have to consider myself to be IN recovery, working actively to maintain my current status and health. I have to continue to be vigilant about resisting urges, maintaining my weight, keeping my exercise to a healthy and moderate level, and making sure that I continue doing the emotional work that underlines all of the above. I have a plan now, and I intend to use it!
Though today was painful and a bit embarrassing, it did give me a fresh perspective on things, a slight kick in the butt, and the reminder that I didn't get sick overnight so naturally, recovery is going to be a process, too. I don't consider the information I received today to be a slip or bump as I am still actively working on recovery...I consider it to be more of a wake up call, I suppose. A good one. A motivating one. A necessary one that reminded me that recovery takes active work, so I best not get lazy and let things slide!
The night ended on a positive note. I got to see an old friend and spend a little time with her, after having eaten froyo with another friend. Now, I'm ready for that nice, cozy bed!
sweet dreams :)

just another manic monday

I decided at the end of last week that I would try taking a day off from exercising, just to see how i felt in doing so. I decided today, Monday, was as good a day as any to give it a whirl. Luckily, I had some things I had to get done, some errands to run, and so forth and was able to occupy my time enough that I didn't need to go. Not going to lie, I did feel a sense of anxiety, but reminded myself that a normal, healthy adult only needs a maximum of 3-5 days a week at max 45 minutes to stay in good health. I also reminded myself that by taking a day to relax and get some much needed things done, I was practicing health, balance, and recovery the way recovery is supposed to look. I proved to myself that I can do it, and can do just about anything, if I put in a little effort.
So, instead of filling my down time with the gym, I got drug tested and fingerprinted for my new job, and then ran to Utica Square to buy some dress pants...lucky for me, Gap was having a sale on dress pants :) Of course, I'm in the dressing room and the sales associate is running around like mad bringing me all sorts of lengths and styles and shouting out the size i was in need of, all while one of my former inpatient therapists is in the dressing room next to me. Mortified? Yep. Not that I was ashamed, perse, but it was just awkward because now someone I knew personally also knew what size I was wearing. Size and weight are things I would just rather no one know. It's bad enough to get weighed by a dietitian, but someone knowing my exact size also makes me feel rather uncomfortable.
Anway, after the Gap experience, I spent some time with a friend talking about life, jobs, managing down time, etc. all while drinking a chai tea latte...yum. Always one of my favorites :)
Not much on the agenda for the rest of the night or tomorrow. I have an appointment with my dietitian tomorrow and that is about it. I may take a stroll down riverside and enjoy the scenery and the river, and maybe even catch some rays in the process.
All in all, life is good right now. It's not incredibly eventful, but I am learning day by day how to be independent again, how to cook and eat and live without supervision, and how to enjoy actually feeling like I am 26 again.
Hope all is well with everyone!
<3

first tulsa check-in

so, it's been a while since i last blogged. things have been crazy busy around here with the move to tulsa and job interviews and all. needless to say, i made it to tulsa safe and sound and all in one piece. got here on saturday night and finally got my room all straightened out and settled in yesterday. things seem to be going well so far. i just got back from my second interview with the bank for a teller position, and will hopefully hear back today or tomorrow on that one. one of my roommates, jess, that i've been friends with for 2 years isn't even here at the moment. she is enjoying a lovely europe backpacking vacation (super jealous, jess!) but my other roommate is here, and i'm in the process of getting to know her. i've been working really hard to manage my down time in a healthy manner by spending it with friends and finding ways to occupy myself, but Iido feel a little bored. i know that is going to change once i get a job, but for the time being i'm coping with all the down time.
met with my therapist, krista, on tuesday. love that woman to death as she has seen me through thick and thin, literally. definitely glad i got back in to see her. we were able to talk about goals i have for treatment and areas that i need to work on and be vigilant about. wednesday, i met with my dietitian leah, who also worked with me on setting some goals and making a plan for meals now that i am out on my own. we talked about how tempting it may be to just say "screw it, i'm too lazy to fix myself something to eat" and how i plan to combat that. we are also looking into some blood sugar/hypoglycemia issues and figuring out ways to move things around in my meal plan to counteract those issues. of course, we talked about how i'm doing with food and exercise and such, too. i told her i was contemplating training for a half in february and that if i decide to go through with that we would of course need to compensate for the deficits with meal plan adjustments.
had lunch today with my inpatient therapist, sarah. i never fail to gain wisdom and a sense of accountability/refocusing from my lunches with sarah...not to mention, she has these insane "sarah eyes" that let you know she knows...about anything and everything! we talked about how things have been going, the move, life in general, how i'm doing with the eating and exercise, etc...i love talking to her because she almost knows me better than i know myself. she calls me out on areas of concern and really keeps me accountable. i was telling her about a mishap i encountered when trying to transfer my gym membership from apopka to tulsa and how, at first, i didn't think i could transfer it until the 6th of september...i told her about how much that freaked me out because it is way too hot to do anything outside here and without a gym to go to that meant i may not be able to get in my exercise, which made me panic slightly. i assured her i don't have a problem with overexercising, but she suggested i take a week off completely and just evaluate how that made me feel. she just wants to make sure that i'm not neglecting to be cautious about any and all aspects of the disorder. so, i think i'm going to give her suggestion a try, just to see if it is messing with me mentally in any way.
other than that, things here in tulsa are good. i'm just enjoying being back in the city, going and doing and seeing things i used to, and figuring out how to support myself and be an actual adult. who knew that at 26, i'd still be trying to figure that one out!
i will be more on top of blogging now that i am settled in and have the time to do so, but just wanted to do a quick fill in.
hope everyone is well!
<3

some music for you to enjoy :)

just wanted to share a music video with y'all tonight. i personally have struggled with feeling out of place and like i don't fit in for the majority of my life. lately, with all the stress i've been experiencing, my brain has been feeding me those old tapes that tell me i'm not okay and i don't fit in...so i was reminded of a song that really means a lot to me and thought i'd share :)

“Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.”

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained.”

Trust.
It's a tricky thing, and I tend to have issues with it. I can go all psychotherapist and say that these trust issues began way back when I was a child and my idea of trust and security was shattered, so why does it continue to haunt and plague me? Why do I continue to give my trust issues so much power? I think that trust and control go hand in hand for me. Afterall, you have to have trust to be able to let go of control and you have to let go of control in order to trust. I'm not one who can just let go of control and "go with the flow." I like to have a plan, a schedule, a set way of going about my life. I've tried to control just about every aspect of my life from my body to my emotions and even find myself still trying to control my future. Having a plan and controling my future are two very different things, though I find it difficult to see the gray area - having a plan but not being so rigid with my life in order to accomplish that plan. I am reminded of the cliche little phrase "just be" and even though I cringe at cliches because i've heard SO many of them throughout the 16 years of struggling and therapy, I do find truth in that statement. When I loosen my grasp on myself and my life and stop white-knuckling it, things seem to work themselves out. Yesterday, it seemed impossible to get the class I needed at Tulsa CC, and I found myself in despair just thinking about all those what-if possibilities...What if I can't get chemistry? Then I won't be able to apply to nursing school and i'll have to wait a whole year before I can start a program and then I'll be miserable and life will be pointless and I guess I'll just go eat worms kind of thinking. I also catastrophize very well, in case you haven't noticed. I prayed last night that somehow, I could get into a chemistry class so that my move to Tulsa wouldn't be a complete and utter failure. I was terrified of moving and then things not going as planned and a) be disappointed in myself and b) be viewed as a disappointment by others. My grandfather told me last night that he felt I was making a mistake by moving and even though I know he is simply concerned that I will revert back into old behaviors, I heard it differently and began to put undue pressure on myself. Making a mistake? I hate making decisions to begin with because the outcome is most often uncontrollable and unpredictable, and hate making the wrong decision even more. Needless to say, I went to bed last night discouraged and disappointed.
I woke up this morning and proceeded to write a not-so-nice email to Tulsa CC because I was pissed off. Afterwards, I started making a new plan. I began to research nursing schools that didn't require chemistry...I didn't find any. I grabbed my undergraduate transcripts to check other prereqs and saw that I had a course called Basic Chemical Principles that I HAD completed. All along, I had been thinking that I had lost all of my chem credits when I withdrew to go to treatment, and I was thinking that the schools I am interested in required a whole year of chemistry. Wrong and wrong! Turns out I meet requirements to several schools as is. Had I not gone through all of that last night and been discouraged and downcast, I probably wouldn't have taken a second look at my transcripts until later this fall! When I just let go of all the stress and all the worry, things actually do fall into place. Imagine that :)
Letting go is a process...and not an easy one, that's for sure. It requires a lot of tears and anxiety and worry and stress but in the end, letting go is the most freeing process. It eventually frees us of all that anxiety, stress, and worry. It leaves us open to new feelings, new experiences, and new adventures. Letting go requres trust, and a lot of it! It requires trusting that if I fall, life will catch me. If I make a wrong turn or decision, I can correct my path. It means trusting that I have a purpose and a plan.
For today, I am going to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. For today, I am going to loosen my grasp and let life play out exactly as it is meant to be. For today, I am going to trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

what a weekend?!

What a whirlwind weekend!
My sister-n-law went into labor on Saturday and had baby boy Andrew, my very first nephew. He is such a precious and beautiful little boy and i absolutely fell in love when I held him for the first time. He had a traumatic birth so he spent a little time in the NICU but got released yesterday and moved into a regular room, and gets to come home today. Needless to say, I spent the majority of the weekend going back and forth to the hospital. On top of that, I had my last summer school exam yesterday so I spent some time studying for that this weekend, as well.
We also went out this weekend to celebrate my parent's anniversary and my birthday (early) at Schula's steakhouse. The food was absolutely delish and I enjoyed my meal but afterwards I felt so sick and full and for the first time in a while had an intense urge to purge. I knew purging wasn't an option, so I chose to reach out instead. I was reminded that if I could make it through the night without using a behavior that I would feel so proud the following day. Sometimes, I forget what it means to look ahead when I'm so entrenched in the moment. This becomes especially hard when the moment is so intense and full of feelings. Though I still struggle and have to make the choice to do recovery during times of stress, I feel stronger each and every day and every time i overcome an urge or choose not to act on a feeling I celebrate a small victory...and that, my friends, feels amazing.
Beside all of that excitement, I am trying to get all the loose ends tied up, get registered for classes in tulsa, and get my stuff together for my move. I leave in 10 days! I can't believe how time has flown and I am starting to feel kind of stressed out and worried about my decision. I go through this with every deicison I make, so I am trying to remind myself that I have a plan and can do pretty much anything I put my mind to. I'm going to miss my family, probably a lot, but thank goodness I can fly allegiant home to visit on a pretty routine basis! I'm also stressing over how to pay for my fall classes, as they are not cheap...and in trying to figure out how to afford them i'm questioning if I even want to take two of the classes just so I can apply to 1 specific school. Applications for nursing school need to get started pronto, which is also adding some stress to my days. I'm beginning to feel a bit like a pressure-cooker, though I now have skills to help me relieve some steam in slow, steady increments instead of blowing my top all at once. Thank goodness for those skills that I have finally figured out how to apply in my own life :)
Well, what a weekend it has been. And what a week and a half it is going to be. Nervous, excited, bittersweet, sad, happy, worried, prepared, unprepared...that basically sums up where I am at the moment, but still ready for this new and exhilirating chapter of life.
<3