no anchoring allowed

well, i am FINALLY about over  the strep stuff and feeling much better physically.
i had a mini meltdown sunday and monday, but i think that was much needed, as i had been holding back a lot of my emotions. in fact, i think i've subconsciously been doing that a lot since being home. i left laureate very afraid of having a bad day...mainly because i was, and still am, doing well and my friends and family have been so excited for me and proud of me that i was afraid of disappointing them, making them worry, or admitting that i am not always as strong as i would like people to think i am. this fear of letting people see the real me is something i had to work on in treatment and continue to work on in therapy. the evidence shows that i am still just as accepted and loved when i show a gamut of emotions, versus the happy plastic smile, yet i still have an innate fear that i will be rejected if people really see what is underneath. so i hold back, and have been holding back since coming home. i know it worries my parents when i have a bad body image day, or randomly burst into tears, but sometimes i just need to express those things and get them out. it actually helps to further my progress. all that said, i had my meltdown, cried (a lot), and now feel more focused. i don't know what the plan for my life looks like, but i know the few options i have in front of me, and know what i need to do to make that happen. for instance, i really would like to move to nashville with a friend. i am by no means made of money, so i need a job lined up that can cover rent, bills, food, gas, and anything extraneous. i'm in the process of scoping out jobs, buffing up my resume, and applying to see what happens. if i stay in florida, i am in the process of looking at a local nursing school, signing up at the community college to take some prereqs, and preparing to go that route. i decided that i need a plan, or something to be working towards. this holding pattern that i am stuck in right now is really doing a number on my mood, which in turn does a number on my body image. i have to start moving, even it if is just inches at a time. you know, i never was one who was patient enough to sit in traffic on the interstate. i would rather go out of the way to go around just so i'd be moving than sit  in stop and go traffic. i suppose it is the same with life. i'd rather put extra effort into something that may not even happen or be a possibility, than just sit around and wait...i guess i'm a doer.
anyway, that was quite a ramble just to say that i am feeling more focused, and more determined than ever to have something to do come january. i need to stay active in life, mentally and physically, so i don't lose the information i have already learned. i have to keep going, even when all i feel like doing is anchoring to the safe, familiar, and comfortable...

xo

What is my purpose?

Well, thanksgiving is over, and it's officially the Christmas season! Yesss. I love this season with all the music, festivities, get togethers, and time with family and friends. It also means that I have almost survived another year and get a fresh new start. Thank goodness for new starts.
Thanksgiving went well...spent time with my family and had a nice, quiet weekend. I did my fair share of black friday shopping, starting with old navy where i got some awesome deals, then on to Joann's Fabrics, where I got my Cricut and some accessories to go along with it! Then my mom and I went to Kirklands, where I got my new rolling duffle bag that I have been wanting, and went to Homegoods/Marshalls, where I got the cutest navy and cream striped cardigan with lace trim and gold buttons...so classy! Needless to say, I was pretty satisfied with how the shopping extravaganza went.
Then on Saturday I came down with strep...wonddderful. I have been pretty miserable for the past few days :( But good news is, it seems to be clearing up some! Maybe this week I will get some of my energy back and can go for a run, or spend some time outdoors. I've been cooped up and under blankets for the last 3 days.
Today, however, has been a little rough. My emotions have just been SO on edge, and I can't seem to control the tears. I stubbed my toe when coming out of my room today, yelled some profanity right in front of my mom, the threw the exercise ball (which caused me to stub my toe) across the room and into a shelve full of pictures and christmas decorations. oops. it kind of shocked me how something so little like stubbing my toe (though it hurt like hell!) could send me into such a rage. I then proceeded to get in the shower and just cry. It was like all of these feelings inside me now had permission to be released, and that is exactly what I did. I cried until I could hardly breathe, trying to be quiet since I didn't want to warrant any concern. I just feel so raw lately. everything hurts, yet if you asked me to really identify what the hurt was, i couldn't tell you. Right now, a lot of it stems from my grad school readmission rejection letter, but I had an enormous amount of hurt and pain inside before I actually found out. Now, I am questioning if this is worth it. Is recovery worth it? I did everything I was supposed to, went to treatment, gained the weight back, worked through my issues, and discharged on such a good and hopeful note...hoping that there would be this wonderful life awaiting me, with friends, a job, school, laughter, and enjoyment, yet that is not how it has been. I have NO friends here in Orlando, so I don't get out or do anything at all. I have a part time job which basically consists of killing time 5 days a week, and there is no laughter or enjoyment...and now, no school. I keep wondering what the purpose in getting better was? Is this really as good as it gets? If I can no longer be a therapist, how am I supposed to help others who are dealing with the same things I dealt with? That is what I thought my purpose was...I guess not. I just feel like there is no plan for my life now...no direction. And I hate spinning aimlessly, with no goal ahead. Maybe I am supposed to be learning how to enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination.
I hope I am not too drab or depressing...I'm just struggling to find some purpose in all of this...

<3 LB

ramblings..

better day today...less tears and more planning ahead for the future. i'm still feeling kind of bummed about the whole situation but hoping my plan B to move towards nursing school works out. i'd really like to move in with my friend from nashville and live in nashville for a little while. i think the change of scenery would be really good for me, but i just don't know if i can swing that financially, find a job, etc.
i talked about the whole grad school thing with some people that i trust and respect, and got some good encouragement and advice about how to change my perspective. very helpful.

this is a prime opportunity for the ED to rear its ugly head, and trust me it is trying to, but i keep reminding myself that i am here, at this point in life, largely because of the eating disorder, and if i choose to allow that back into my life again i am only going to perpetuate the cycle and stay stuck, with nowhere to go. at some point in time, i have to face up to the challenges of life and get going. i think somewhere in the back of my mind i always thought that i could have both a life AND an eating disorder, and that having to take short breaks from life to get the eating disorder under control would be manageable for the rest of my life without effecting my goals, dreams, career, and so forth. WRONG. there are only so many second chances when it comes to certain things. i found the limit in terms of grad school and have to forefit one of my dreams, and i am sure there are other limits in life. bottom line - i can't have both because having an eating disorder prevents one from experiencing life. the day to day becomes focused on the numbers, the next meals, the worry, stress, anxiety, and constant chaos of calculations that only leave me feeling unable to ever measure up. frankly, that is not life. that is existing as a shell of a human being among those who know what it is to truly live the day to day. math is not my strong suit, so maybe it is time to really let go of trying to come up with an exact formula that will result in the perfect life.
(wow, that was a complete ramble!)

i'm tired of being stuck, and ready to get a move on...now, if i just knew where to go. wait wait wait, life is not a destination, it's a journey ;)

<3 LB

move forward..

She would change everything for happy every after...caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster...

I would...I would change everything for happy ever after. I want to believe in the happy ever after, that things always work out for the best, that life has a way of leading you in the direction you are supposed to be...but really, where would I be right now if things in my past had looked different. Would I still be in grad school, or even done? Would I have a relationship by now, would I be settled into a career, or even a family? It is really easy for me to think, "what if" and look back, but looking back only keeps me stuck in the same place I am currently at. I have to look forward in order to move forward. That said, right now looking forward seems next to impossible. I just received the rejection letter from the graduate program I was in. They won't readmit me because I haven't shown consistent recovery since withdrawing. True. I entered treatment, stayed for 7 months, discharged, relapsed in a short period of time, then re-entered treatment for another 4.5 months, and am now doing very well and KNOW in my heart that I am on the path to success. I guess I'm just feeling a little discouraged because I have worked SO hard the last year and a half+ on recovery, partly because I did want to go back to school and be able to make a career out of helping others like myself. I guess that wasn't that path that life had in store for me, because I can't go back. Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I do with my life now? I don't have a choice except to move forward, but to where? My plans for life are so gone now...guess I have to rely on the plans of someone who knows my every hair, the exact number of breaths I have taken, how many tears I have cried (to date, including today!) and knows what my life from here on out is going to look like. But that is scary, because I don't have the control anymore...my nice, neat little plans are no more. I have to trust that there is something greater out there for me and just continue to move forward.
Moving forward - it's all I can do now.
Move forward in faith.

<3 LB

how a chick is born

i was having one of those nights when i just needed some reassurance that everything is okay, i'm doing well, strong enough to withstand whatever is put in front of me, and that recovery is worth fighting for...so i got out the letter than my inpatient therapist wrote me the last day of my stay the second time around...
in the letter she included a story about how a chick is born and i thought i would share it!

when in the midst of great change, it is helpful to remember how a chick is born. from the view of the chick it is a terrifying struggle. confined and curled in a dark shell, half-formed, the chick eats all its food and stretches to the contours of its shell. it begins to feel hungry and cramped. eventually, the chick begins to starve and feels suffocated by the ever shrinking space of its world.
finally, its own growth begins to crack the shell, and the world as the chick knows it is coming to an end. as the chick wriggles through the cracks, it begins to eat its shell. in that moment - growing but fragile, starving and cramped, its world breaking - the chick must feel like it is dying. yet once everything it has relied on falls away, the chick is born. it doesn't die, but falls into the world.
transformation always involves the falling away of things we have relied on, and we are left with the feeling that the world as we know it is coming to an end, because it is.
when forced with great change, we somehow must take in all that enclosed us, so when the new life is upon us, the old is within us.

oh how very true this is, and very telling of how i am feeling right now. fragile, like the entire world that i knew and was familiar with is now gone, and i am falling into the world, which is quite the process i might add. it is a scary freefall that involves trusting that the universe will be there to catch me when i land..
my therapist was a wise woman <3

- LB

quotes

i thought i would include in this entry some of my favorite quotes...
i have so many, so this will only be a fraction of the ones that i find value in.

"When you are about to take a leap, is it a coincidence that one must take a step or two back to take a further leap?"


"I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It’s the high we’re chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away...The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it it was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse." -Grey's Anatomy
“Skinny is as ugly as it sounds and happy is more beautiful than any bone I'll ever find…no matter how much it smiles.” - Jess Melillo
“It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.” - Marya Hornbacher
"It's time I let you go so I can be free and live my life how it should be...no matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you…yes, I will."

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."-Anonymous
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Nelson Mandela

“So let go, let go…cause there’s beauty in the breakdown” -frou frou

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same…” All at Once, The Fray
“...each breath breathed means we're alive. and life means that we can find the reasons to keep on getting by… and if reasons we can't find, we'll make up some to get by… 'til breath by breath we'll leave this behind...” Superchick
“All of these tears, time will dry them…I will survive them, and make it through into another day all of this pain. Time will heal it, there’ll be a time sometime I know I won't feel it…I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust…Once this heart can start to mend, I will learn to learn to love again” - I will learn to love again, Kaci

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

"it comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. and yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. there is no other way." - marya hornbacher
"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.." - e.e. cummings
"So fail. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb or two or twelve. You will fall, and it will hurt. But the farther you fall, the higher you will rise. The higher you rise, the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances pass them by, why they didn’t take the roads less traveled. Those people aren’t you. You have front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself, you might transform the world. It will be electric, and I promise it will be terrifying. Embrace that; embrace the new person you’re becoming. This is your moment. I promise you, it is now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones, go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that, and keep going."

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow…’"
"By very slow degrees, and with frequent relapses, that alarmed and grieved my friend, I recovered…" Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
“I wept because from now on I will weep less. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence…” Anaïs Nin
"What's worse? New wounds that are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago but never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we'd like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some lessons we just have to learn over and over and over again.” - Greys

"sometimes the simple act of continuing to go on when things feel impossibly stuck is the best thing one can do.."

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” - e. e. cumminga

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais Nin

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."


i am sure there will be more to come. this is just a start <3
LB

let the festivities begin!

today is thanksgiving here at the office and i am SO excited to eat my first cajun fried turkey of the season! YES, it's fried and yes, i am going to indulge...love it. I was in charge of decorating the tables, doing the centerpieces, and making a pretty awesome silverware display. maybe i do have a future in catering...or not. needless to say, the christmas music is playing, smells are everywhere, and it is officially festive!

tonight i start my first hostess shift at my mom's restaurant. a little nervous about working in a restaurant and all that goes along with that, but definitely grateful for a little extra income. the traveling i have been doing lately is getting pretty costly, so i need some help in the finances arena. speaking of traveling...trip tulsa2010 is right around the corner...i can almost begin my official countdown! i am so excited that i will be getting to see deb, krista, mollie, sarah, and then of course ALL of my favorite sweet friends. this trip is definitely keeping me going day to day. yesterday was much better than monday or tuesday, thank goodness. i didn't have any major explosions of tears, and was able to keep a relatively positive attitude about things. i think getting to go to the gym and push through some of my frustrations helped, as well. oh, and i got some new sneaks last night so that topped off the evening :) i love them...just a simple updated version of the mizunos i already had but they feel so sturdy and NEW on my feet...probably would have worn them to work if i could have, haha. instead, i'm wearing my black boots, which also make me very happy. the winter months are by far my favorite, with the cold weather, smell of fires burning, bundling up in cozy sweaters, and spending time with those i love most...i just seem to thrive in the winter months :) so, basically i'm excited that fall is here!

i'm sure i will update later, but i just wanted to say happy early thanksgiving!

tears quota...

well, i met my tears quota for the month last night.

my mother had been out of town for the weekend, so when she got home last night we went to get something to eat and then came home and sat in her room chatting about the weekend, her trip, etc. She brought up UCF and their nursing program and asked me if i thought i could get into their program...so, i had to explain about preprequsites and their application deadline and all of that information. as SOON as i started talking about something related to my future, i burst into tears. the more i talked about life, the more emotional i became. i realized everything i had been holding back was just spilling out. i talked about feeling stuck in life, not knowing where to go from here, being lonely, missing my friends, but moreso missing the normalcy i once felt. i miss girls nights, and dinner dates, game nights, and being able to go next door and spend time with some of my best friends. i miss feeling connected to others. that led into telling my mom about how frustrated i am with recovery right now. i wasn't happy back then, and felt lonely...much like i do right now, only my brain keeps saying, "at least i was thin." i KNOW that going back is not the answer...it's not even an option, yet it is still hard for me to justify why i chose recovery when nothing feels like it has changed. my mom told me that it may not feel worth it just yet but it will. don't get me wrong, i know without a doubt that it IS worth it, and i am beyond grateful to have my life back. i guess i am just dealing with that itch to move on and do something more with my life...to really feel firsthand what the hype about recovery is all about.

on a side note, i e-mailed my school again today...finally just asked if they could tell me yes or no so that i can plan accordingly...either plan to go back, or plan to move on and explore new avenues in life, which will most likely be nursing. we'll see what becomes of this new correspondence.

xoxo

life ramblings..

wow...

it's been a little while since i last made an entry. forgive me for that!

a lot has been going on the past couple of weeks. first, i went to meet a friend from Laureate at Hilton Head, SC...such a great weekend! we had a blast and it was so great getting to catch up with someone who truly gets me. we also met up with another friend who lives in Savannah, GA for a night in the "walking city." enjoyed some tacos at the mexican restaurant and then topped off the evening with chocolate fondue! the conclusion to a perfect night! so, the weekend came to an end much too soon, and i had to get back to the daily grind, which has proven to be rather frustrating lately. first, i have been in the process of trying to get back into grad school, and have been waiting to hear back since the beginning of October...it has been a frustrating progression of correspondences between myself and my professor. in the last e-mail my professor asked for my mailing address, leaving me to assume that i should be expecting something in the mail...well, that was over 2 weeks ago. i am doing my very best to be patient with the process, but how do i go about making other plans when i still don't know anything? if i do get back into grad school then i will move back to Hattiesburg, but if i don't get back in then i need to come up with plan B. i am feeling pretty stuck in my life right now. i want to move on and doing something meaningful with my life, but finances seem to be getting in the way. am i really 25 years old and stuck? i know there has got to be a way to do what i would like to do, but i just feel like i continually hit brick walls. i'm going to keep trying, keep planning, and keep looking for options. i will not settle!!

in terms of recovery, well it's definitely a daily challenge. overall, i am doing pretty well, though this past week has been a little rough. i am frustrated with my body and its lack of response to what i have been doing. i am eating healthy and following my mealplan, exercising, and staying active in general, yet i am staying at a weight that i am not comfortable with. no, it's not an ED kind of uncomfortable, more like they gave me a weight range and i am pushing that. i realize that this may very well be where my body wants to settle, and i guess that is what i am having the hardest time dealing with. the ed thoughts keep popping up and telling me things i could do to promote weight loss or ways i can change up my food to get "healthier" or just work out a LITTLE more...i KNOW the truth, that all that i am feeling and experiencing right now with feeling stuck in life is a direct result of having an eating disorder and having to put my life on hold to save it, and that going back to the ed will only perpetuate that, yet it seems so alluring. i wish i was at a place where it was easy to ignore the thoughts and put them behind me but i am not there yet. it may take some time before i get there. so each day that i deal with the persistent and rather loud thoughts it becomes a FIGHT to do the next right thing. I am doing it, but it is damn hard to do! i also want to be able to be more comfortable in my skin, but i just can't seem to see what everyone else does. i'm working on it though!

other randoms - i leave for tulsa in 20 days! i am beyond ecstatic to see all of my loves, and get to meet up with some of my favorite staff from L and do office lunch dates and such. it will be a good trip to help keep me in check, and i get to be back in the place that really feels like home to me. i really do miss tulsa.

the holidays are coming up and there is definitely anticipation and anxiety involved. i will actually be at home this holiday season and not in treatment, so this will be a good challenge for me. definitely nervous!

oh, and the book is coming along good...i think i am going to include an excerpt in my next entry!

well, thats about it. time for some shut eye. night.

what is lost will be gained...

i'm feeling a little sad today, though no real reason behind it all.
i've been thinking a lot lately about life, and how i feel so behind on things...it's crazy to look back and see how much an eating disorder can take away from a person. i feel saddened when i think about all of my friends who are still in throes of the disorder, life not standing still for them. we have been robbed of so much, and that makes me sad.

however, i think we also gain wisdom and learn so many valuable life lessons through it all. Maybe what is lost is eventually gained. i hope that i can take the wreckage of my past and make a new, whole, fruitful future for myself. i pray that i will be able to share some of my journey with others and help them to become stronger and more courageous.

i am missing the support of tulsa today, but know that i CAN do this, and will be a survivor. i AM a survivor, with a story to tell, and a life to live...