post holiday update...

yay for finally getting a chance to update. it has been a bit of a whirlwind week with the holidays and taveling and just now getting back to town and settled in.
i'm definitely glad to be back in tulsa and back into my normal routine. i'm always excited for a break but glad when things get back to normal and back to what i know and can expect.
christmas break was alright. it was nice to be able to see family and grandparents and finally get to see my nephew for the first time since he was born. that was by far the highlight of my trip, even if i only got to see him for half a day. there just isn't anything that a baby can't fix or ease or make better, i'm convinced. i got a chance to rest some and did a little shopping but other than that it wasn't too eventful or exciting.
got back to tulsa on wednesday and literally had an hour to drop my bags off and get to work. needless to say, i'm still trying to recoop from all the traveling and fatigue.
i had a pretty busy day today. saw my dietitian this morning and then had to work all afternoon and evening. the dietitian was ok. i was kind of freaked out about post holiday anxieties but as usual, my fears are typically irrational and way off base, and i still have work to do in the nutritional area even though i did better this past week. i made some pretty important connections when talking to her today though, so i think that will benefit me if i can remember the connection i made when trying to do all of my meal plan. i've got some good goals set to work towards.
work is going well. i had my 120 day appraisal today and got my first raise :) it was nice to hear some of things said in the evaluation because it really helped me feel like what i am doing and my role at work is actually appreciated and valued. even though it may just be "a job" to me and may not feel like i'm doing anything remotely important with my life at all, it impacts other people and i am, indeed, a part of a team and therefore what i do is, infact, important. i guess i really just needed this appraisal today because i was feeling pretty darn down in the dumps. it was also nice to hear that i was a positive influence on the other people at work and even inspired others to start "dressing for the job" again and "brought a sense of spunk" back to the workplace. i guess that is what you get when you put a fashion junkie on a teller line, haha.
and i had my very first customer actually wait in line until i was done with a transaction so that i could help him even though there were other tellers available before me. they told us in training that we would get customers who liked us so much that they would do things like that or even follow us from branch to branch if we transferred locations but i've yet to have one that liked me in particular...until today. he asked for me specifically, and then we talked about how he has a 7 year old granddaughter named Leah who is also blonde. when i was done with his transaction and asked if there was anything else i could do for him he told me just to keep smiling because i had a beautiful smile. how can you NOT smile when someone gives you a genuine compliment like that? i'm trying to be more mindful of the little things throughout the day that can help me stay more positive and upbeat.
despite the session i had this morning, my day has been pretty good overall. i've had a lot of energy which is kind of unusual, but hey - i will take it!
it's almost the new year. hard to believe but i'm gearing up and getting more and more ready for a new season of change. 2012, let's do this.

from feeding myself to feeding my soul...

i heard someone recently use the term "feeding themselves" in regards to their meal plan and recovery and it really got me thinking. when did the simple act of feeding myself become such a challenge? not necessarily as big of a challenge now, at this moment in time, but in general when did the basic act of feeding myself, something i learned a long, long time ago how to do, become such an arduous task? was in when i began to try and use that task as my one and only means of control? was in when i used that basic act as my way of speaking to the world? was it when i decided that life would be simpler and more concrete if i just stopped doing so altogether? somewhere along the way things got twisted and turned upside down and something so basic and instinctual became so agonizing and painful and i can't quite figure out how to track back my steps and turn back those hands of time.
i wish i could.
oh, how i wish i could.
i wish that the simple act of feeding myself was so much easier than it actually is.
it just seems so basic. one picks up a fork and plunges it into their dish of choice, returns said fork to mouth, and proceeds to eat and digest. rinse and repeat. i mean, it's basic principle. it's rather uncomplicated if you really stop to think about it. i've heard so many girls in treatment say "oh, but i just CAN'T eat." that is so far from the truth. you can, indeed, eat. you possess the basic instincts and behaviors that allow you to do so. your body can physiologically move and lift and chew and you can do it. the problem lies in facing the fears that literally paralyze you and stop you from taking those steps and doing those tasks. and that is where i find myself getting caught from time to time. i get stuck in the paralyzing web of fear and loss of control and the crazy whatif's and unknowns. they leave me immobilized and unwilling to move or change or do the necessary.
then i get frustrated with myself because i remember how basic it is and how badly i want to just pick up the damn fork and push right on through and then i forget how hard it is to push through a brick wall of emotions with a plastic spork. needless to say, it is quite the battle.
i wish i could look at food and touch food and be around food and consume it without it controlling so much of my thoughts and time. granted, it takes up a lot less time than it used to, but it still occupies more time and space than i would like. and i know that the more and more i challenge the fears and beliefs and behaviors i have, the less space the obsessions and thoughts and fears will occupy. that is what keeps me going, that belief that in time, things can and will lessen and become more maneagable.
i just can't help but wonder sometimes how such basic life instincts and principles that come so naturally to others become such hard and tedious work for other people, people like me...
i guess there is no use getting stuck in all that wondering. it does no one any good.
i need to keep moving forward, figuring my way up out of here and how to make it through this little bump, this small little chapter of my life, and into a brand new chapter with a fresh new beginning. i'm ready to do some moving on...as rascal flatts so beautifully wrote "life has been patiently waiting for me..." and i believe that it has...been waiting....for me to be ready to jump in and embrace it for all that it has to offer. maybe now is a good time to try that out.
now for the fun part...where do i begin to jump into life? :)

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas?

it doesn't even feel like christmas.
i can hardly believe that it is only a week from today. apparently, i am not the only one who isn't quite in the holiday spirit yet, as evidenced by the lack of lighting on practically all of my neighbor's houses and the general laissez-faire attitude of several people i've encountered over the past week. there is just something about this year...it's like christmas snuck up on us.
it's true. this year seems to have flown by. i feel like i just woke up one day and it was december and i looked back and wondered where the days went. they seem to be going faster and faster and i can't help but wonder if i'm doing anything decent with them or making them worthwhile. i think that because i feel so stunted in life right now and in search of something meaningful to do with my life i also find myself wanting to stop time so that i don't end up just wasting my days away. the more days that pass the older i get, the less time i have, the harder it is to start over and start from scratch. i guess i just want to figure out what i am doing before another year comes and goes.
i'm sure that having some time off and some time to just work and do the day to day is exactly what i need right now. i'm sure it will give me the time i need to get my life together and get my health together and get my head screwed on straight before jumping into some new endeavor, yet i can't seem to simply be okay with the idea that it is enough for right now. i'm working really hard on accepting that i am enough, just me, without more education or more acclimations, or more titles. i see other people moving forward, getting married, going back to school for second and third degrees, graduating and getting career oriented jobs and it challenges the belief that i must do more and achieve more and obtain more. i guess this period of "down time" that i'm having in my life right now is teaching me that continually reaching and striving for more only keeps me preoccupied and distracted and focused externally, when maybe what i could use is a little time to just be still. who knows, maybe 2012 won't seem to fly by quite as fast as 2011 did if i'm really trying to be still and take care of myself.
speaking of taking care of myself, i am still working hard on making changes, little by little, and staying determined and motivated. i've been spending a lot of my down time working on crocheting a baby blanket for my nephew, which has really helped manage some of the anxiety. not going to lie, i'm kind of proud of how it's looking so far. i ran all over town yesterday trying to find more brown yarn and was unsuccessful, so i got the cream substitute and decided to stripe it...good substitution!
i'm counting down to saturday...ready for a break from work and a vacation from tulsa, even if it is only for threeish days...much needed time away. love it here but it gets old, haha.
well, long week ahead...better get some things done before it starts.
much love.

two good days...

guess what?
i've had two really good days.
after meeting with my dietitian yesterday morning and coming clean about some things i needed to come clean about, we set some goals and i left feeling motivated to at least try some things differently, even if just for a day. i left her office, went straight on over to chipotle, got a veggie burrito bowl filled with all my favories, a side of chips and salsa and headed on to work in time to eat lunch before starting my shift. i even had a cookie later on for dessert. i really tried to not let it bother me and tried to keep my brain from obsessing over the food while at work and just let myself enjoy the fact that i had actually eaten a decent meal, and a meal that actually consisted of fast food. by the time night rolled around i was feeling a bit anxious about having consumed so much sodium but guess what?
i went to sleep and did not die.
i woke up this morning of normal, typical size, no excess puffiness or swelling or water weight like my brain had imagined and dreamed up and then stressed over all night long. i had survived the burrito bowl lunch.
so, i thought i would give it a try again today. i had lunch with a friend of mine at jason's deli and ordered what i was in the mood for, not what i was calculating up in my head. i got half of a delicious sandwich and half salad bar and actually put toppings on my salad without being afraid of over-topping the salad or pouring a microtsp too much dressing on. and i enjoyed every bite of my meal. i left feeling full and satisfied.
by the time i got home from work tonight i was hungry but not hungry enough for anything huge so i decided on the chipotle leftovers. there were a ton of leftovers so i didn't expect to eat it all, but i ended up eating it all. now that made me start to feel a little anxious. i knew it was more than i was actually hungry for and i knew that it was later in the evening and i had already eaten out once already today and my brain just took off running with all of that. i got scared. i felt overwhelmed as i threw away the finished, empty burrito bowl.
i knew i should be proud of myself because i actually needed the extra as i'm in an "energy crisis" as the dietitian called it yesterday but it is still hard to allow myself to go over, to eat over, to be okay with the concept of more when i am already dealing internally with feeling like i, myself and too much and not in need of more in any shape, form, or fashion.
i still have a lot of work to do and a long way to go until i can figure out how to be okay with just being enough or being just right. i have a really hard time with that one, and it tends to play out in my food, mainly. in fact, most of my core beliefs take physical form in my food and body. very little of the eating disorder is actually ABOUT the disorder of eating...it is about dysfunction of emotions and the chaos of eating all getting crisscrossed somewhere along the way. that is definitely some therapy work i need to be doing to process those deep thoughts, haha!
otherwise, the past two days have been better. been more compliant with activity recommendations, working on trying to be more compliant with the supplement recommendations, i'm using my chair more at work, laying more when it's cold outside and trying out some new foods that are a little more calorie dense to try and get extra energy in. it's a tough process, but one i'm continuing to try and do each day. it's definitely not easy, that much i can say is true. the harder i try to do things right, the worse i often end up feeling, at least at first.
i just have to jump this first hurdle - just high enough to get my momentum and speed going and then all the rest of the hurdles just become smaller and smaller bumps on the course of the run...easier and easier to fly over. i just have to conquer that first one somehow and i'm golden.

i believe in the good...

"I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of a year and I believe that, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that we will be okay..."

faith (fth):

n.
1. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

how strikingly perfect is this particular definition of faith in regards to belief. often times i overuse the concept of believing in something because i refuse to entertain the idea of having faith in something due to the religious connotations attached to faith. don't get me wrong, i am very much a Christian, but i also have some issues to work through when it comes to healing and faith and being confused as to why i have not been freed of my struggles though my knees are bruised from spending so much time on them in prayer begging for healing and rescuing. and the more people try to tell me to just have faith that everything will work out according to His plan or that He has great things in store for me the more bitter i find myself becoming. so it is simply easier for me to use the word belief over faith at this point in time. however, they are essentially one in the same.
now, back to where i was intially going with this...the belief in something good, the belief that we will, in fact, be okay. the above quote from grey's is by far one of my favorite pearls of grey's wisdom as it says everything i could say but much more eloquently. no matter what life may throw my way (which has seemed to be a lot of crazy curveballs lately) i continue to hold on to hope that things can and will get better, that they will not always remain crazy and chaotic and though and trying. i maintain a belief in the good - that despite the evidence of the past 16 years, i believe that the rest of my life does not have to mirror my past. it does not have to repeat history and continue to play out a script that was written by traumatic events that i could not control or change. i believe that the rest of my life can look different. i believe that despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, i will indeed be okay. i have faith, though i have no real logical proof or lasting tangible evidence, that someday i will no longer struggle to the degree i struggle and i will experience a freedom like i have yet to experience. i do believe that it will take time, energy, and lots of effort and may involve some victories and setbacks as i've already experienced but i must hold on to the belief that things can change otherwise i run the risk of losing my sanity.
i believe that life was not created to be a walk in the park for a reason. if everything went smoothly and we never encountered bumps in the road or hiccups here and there then i have to wonder if we would appreciate the beauty of life and the richness that it has to offer nearly as much as we have the ability to do. i have to wonder if we would be able to then see the true strength and courage that we possess if we never had to tap into that courage and strengh. how boring life would be if it never offered us anything but daisies and roses, right?

...i believe, that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we will be okay.

chronic

"chronic."
i've believed i was chronic for a long time but i first had someone tell me face-to-face when i was at remuda. my psychiatric nurse practitioner was two steps away from transferring me to a state facility because she had run out of options and ideas and was frustrated with me. she proceeded to tell me that i was a chronic case and even handed me a paper with my treatment outlook statistics and it said my chances at recovery were fair to poor. she stamped me a failure before even giving me a chance, and i ran with that. i'm not saying she was a bad practitioner by any means, but i do think she hit a brick wall with me and let me know that which may not have been the best idea for someone who already believed, deep down, that something was inherently wrong and flawed and perpetually broken. it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy that i was unable to free myself from.
i found myself in therapy today still struggling with this belief of being chronic. when asked what my definition of chronic is, i found myself saying that chronic means "an inability to recover, an inability to let go, an inability to be free, an inability to live a relatively normal life, and being prone to relapse." she asked what it was that made me so supposedly prone to relapse and after some silent thought i came to the conclusion that recovery gets to a point where it becomes uncomfortable and unbearable. i'm not exactly sure what about it feels so uncomfortable besides the obvious physical aspects. my guess is that it starts to feel so free and so normalized that it feels almost unsafe to a degree. it feels uncontrolled and spontaneous and that all just feels so unfamiliar to me. and here i find myself back at square one...i have issues with needing to feel a sense of safety and that is one thing i feel when i am controlling my external environment. cliche? maybe. but true for me, i suppose.
anyway, we talked about my fear of making necessary changes that i know i need to be making because of what it means and what it's going to change. i've done it before, so i'm not really sure why it feels hard to do again yet it does. i guess that is the nature of it all. making the changes i need to make means facing a lot of fears, dealing with and confronting emotions, memories, thoughts, and feelings that i don't always want to acknowledge.
i'm awfully tired. fighting a daily battle for something that comes so naturally to other people (happiness/contentment, normalcy around food, body acceptance, reduced anxiety, healthy relationship with exercise etc) is exhausting and sometimes i wish i could just snap my fingers and make it all magically fall into place forever. but that is clearly not going to happen, so i guess i will just push on and keep going despite my current level of emotional and physical fatigue. i have faith that one day soon i will be at peace with myself and everything that entails.

to be or not to be...

"to be or not to be...that is the question."

i think i finally understand this statement, at least in regards to my own life. hamlet poses this question beautifully, as he ponders life and death, which is nobler, which is easier, which is essentially better. he refers to being alive as "being." i've also pondered this question in much the same way. to be or not to be...to live or die? to fight or give up? to throw on my armour or bow out?

but now, i'm asking myself this question from a different perspective.
to be or not to be?
to be okay with who i am or not to be? to be okay with just being okay or not? to be okay with letting go of control or attempt to hold on with white knuckles? to be well or not be well? to be a nurse? or a journalist? or a therapist? or a screenwriter?
i'm asking myself this question in a very existential manner these days, and i feel like it's much harder to ask myself questions like this than it is to simply ask myself if i want to live or die. marya hornbacher phrased it beautifully in her book, "Wasted" when she said "If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live?” Choosing between two very black and white options has never been as difficult for me as having to choose between the vast and endless options that fall into the dreaded gray area. even when i thought i had figured out what i wanted to do, say nursing, there were still decisions to be made...what kind of nurse? what school? when to start? do i want to move after i just moved? how to pay for it? is this really what i feel called to do?
i don't have to ask myself as many of those questions anymore because nursing school fell through yesterday and it doesn't look like that is going to be an option for the upcoming year, at least. prerequsite requirements changed, letters of recommendation i thought got sent in didn't actually get sent in, courses i took that should have been accepted weren't going to be honored and i found out all last minute, too late to do anything before the application deadlines.
so i am back to the basic question.
to be or not to be?

where do i go from here?
who do i want to be?
where does my passion lie? what do i feel like i am called to do?
so many questions that remain unanswered and i feel so unsettled. i have ideas and leads but no concrete plans. i like concrete. it is solid, unmoving, unchanging, steady. i feel like i'm standing on quicksand, and the faster i run towards something i think might just work the more stuck i become. i need something steady in my life.

so the question now is not do i live or die? i've made that decision. though i feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness at the moment with nothing to look forward to, bowing out before the fight is even over just isn't an option. so now the choice is mine...how do i decide i want to live my life?

connecting the dots...

"What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."

over and over and over again. often times i feel like i am running on rewind, going back and playing through the same scenarios, doing the same things, falling into the same holes, and ending up in the same places i have ended up so many times before. i beat myself up for being back in the same spot and not having learned my lesson, but when i really stop to think about it, some of my courses of action are not simply choices made easily, rather they are ingrained ways of coping and dealing and go much deeper than the superficial surface. i sat in session with my therapist today questioning how i had let myself get back to where i am at this point in time, frustrated and exasperated and tired of feeling like a disappointment to others and to myself. she brought to my attention (after having worked with me for almost 3 years now) that i tend to backslide each winter, both with the eating disorder and the depression, and to her it makes sense because it coincides with some life events that i desperately try to avoid dealing with. i know that the winter months are hard for me and tend to bring up a lot of emotions, and i think that i subconsciously find ways to numb out and dull those feelings down to a maneagable level. i've also found myself struggling with some core beliefs that i had worked on in treatment and dealt with, but am having to deal with again. i battle with feeling vulnerable, mostly as a result of trauma, and i think that the smaller i am, the safer i am. to me (in my crazy brain) the smaller i am the less visible i am, the less noticable i am, which makes me feel more protected, in essence.
i also have a core belief, that i have to continually challenge, that i am too much and not enough all in the same, therefore moderation is hard for me. for years i've felt like my personality was too much yet my performance and intelligence and abilities weren't enough, so i used an eating disorder to dull down my personality and make it more "acceptable" and help me become more "focused" and "disciplined" in terms of performance and abilities. of course, we all know that it doesn't exactly work that way. yet i continue to struggle with the belief that i am too much and not enough and need to find some balance.
and in terms of life, i'm still trying to come to terms with the idea that i can make a decision and then change my mind...that there are no right or wrong decisions...and that not making a decision is actually making a decision. putting things off and procrastinating and avoiding isn't going to magically make things fall into place, it's only going to make things fall farther and farther apart. i have the ability to make decisions, change my mind, and do what i really want to do with my life. i'm not stuck once i make a decision...or so i keep telling myself.

wow, so much...so many dots connected today. connecting the dots was so much more fun with a pencil and paper, but i suppose it has to be done from time to time, just as some lessons have to be learned over and over again. it is winter, and here i am again. learning yet again that i am an emotional human being, especially when it's cold and dreary out, and now i remember why.

giving thanks...

i've come to realize over the years that i am beyond blessed.
those blessings may not look like i had imagined or envisioned, but i am indeed blessed beyond measure.
today is a day dedicated to giving thanks, but honestly, i think that every day should be a day to be thankful for all that we have. anyway, in the spirit of tradition, i'm grateful for so many things...
i am thankful the wonderful creators of skype because they allowed me to virtually cook a thanksgiving meal with my mama and daddy back home in orlando. let me just tell you, it was the coolest thing to be cooking my very first independent thanksgiving meal but have my parents on the computer cooking in their kitchen at the same time. i could have my back turned but yell over my shoulder and ask my mom how long to cook the chicken for, as if she was standing right there in the kitchen with me. pretty neat, huh?
i'm grateful for the cooking skills i've been taught because i produced a meal that i'm pretty dang proud of. chicken with cranberry pear salsa, caprese quinoa with basil oil, sweet potatoes, and vanilla cinnamon acorn squash for dessert. it was delish :)
i'm very thankful for having such wonderful friends in my life, both near and far. i miss my amazing friends that i don't get to see on a regular basis, but never forget the impact that each and every one of them has made on my life. and i was so happy to have been invited over to a friend's family thanksgiving get together this evening. i got to have two thanksgiving meals! and it was so fun to be with a big family and do the whole deal since i didn't get to do that with my own family this year. it definitely helped ease some of the loneliness.
though i'm feeling very full and self-conscious as i expected i probably would be, i'm glad that i had food to eat and enjoy and certainly thankful that i can be here in tulsa for thanksgiving and be living on my own and not confined, like i have been in the past. it's definitely a different feeling.
my checkbook is thankful that i will not be engaging in any black friday shopping this year ;)
and i'm thankful for all the various other things...second chances, new beginnings, fresh perspectives, forgiveness, grace, mercy, friendship, health, small victories, setbacks and forward motions, lessons learned and for my freedom. i've been given more than i deserve and i just have to remember to utilize it and make the most of it.

so there it is...the spirit of tradition - the sappy thanksgiving post that actually has some meaning behind it :)
happy turkey day all!

hard work and working hard...

today i admitted to someone out loud that recovery is hard for me right now.
i tend to put on a happy face and tell people that things are great so as not to worry or disappoint or stress people out. i feel guilty if i cause people to worry, so i just avoid that. plus, i have way too much pride to let anyone close enough to me to know what is really going on in this crazy brain of mine. i am very good at hiding being a happy, perfect, put together facade. afterall, i've done it for most of my life. i was talking with my dietitian today about my frustrations regarding my stunted progress and my body not cooperating the way i'd like it to, and how my brain just isn't in a great place right now and i just blurted out "damn, this is just hard!" she just kind of laughed and said "yes, Leah Beth it is hard! doing this work outpatient is incredibly hard and you are 5 times more motivated than most. Imagine if you were someone with no motivation...it simply wouldn't work at all." we talked about how i've never really given it a try on an outpatient basis. yes, i've spent my fair share of time doing outpatient work but when i get to a certain point, a point i've already passed this time around, i just throw my hands up and say "i quit. i'm done trying." and let things go right on downhill without caring. it's different now. i care. i want things to be different and back to where they used to be. and i'm being given the chance to turn things around and get back to a point that i actually would be okay with...if i can just manage to get there.
we talked about areas of life that i may not realize are affecting me as much as they are, and how i can change some things around to help me out some. i laughed as i was describing how i go about my life. i live as if i'm living in new york city. not necessarily when i'm messing around the house but as soon as i step foot outside the house i'm a woman on a mission, even if it is just to go pick up something at the drugstore. i walk 90 miles an hour, like i'm going to be late when i'm actually perpetually early for everything, and i bolt and jet and dash from here to there. i'm not going to lie, this is an improvement from the depressed shuffle i used to strut...head down, staring at my feet as i shuffled along through molasses. now i just need to moderate. at work, i need to learn to utilize the chairs during down times. when i first started i was able to do this, but lately it just seems like a pain to sit, then stand, then sit, then stand...so i just stand for hours. but i'm going to be changing that starting friday when i go back to work. it's the little things that i have to look out for that tend to trip me up. things that i can justify and normalize but end up costing me. and i have to work on remembering that a meal plan is a minimum, not a maximum. i swear, it's like having to go back to the basics again. funny how quickly one can forget the things one learns.

on another note, i've been struggling with the depression a lot lately and really trying to look at what is behind some of the newfound blues. as i posted earlier, i have a hard time when i have nothing tangible to point to and say "hey, look at what i've accomplished and what i've done!" i think i know what the fear is behind all of that. when you take all of that away...all the school, all the success, all the studies and the labels and the grades and the long hours and late night cram sessions and endless hours of research all that is left behind is me. the question is, can i learn to love the me that is left behind when you strip all of that away? can i be okay with just being "normal?" will i like who i am when i don't have anything else? do i even know who i am aside from all of that? it really isn't a matter of losing the life path i was on (okay, so it is to some degree) but moreso it's about being afraid of what is going to be left behind. i know that most people are out there just doing the day to day and don't have anything super cool and neat to wow the world with, but it's kind of new to me to not have something big in my life. it's a life change i wasn't quite ready for. i hadn't quite figured out who i was yet. and now i have to re-evaulate and take a look at myself and decide if i'm going to like me or not, who i'm going to be, what i'm going to do. it's kind of scary, if you ask me. so i think that has me feeling some blues but moreso a lot of anxiety, i suppose. definitely doing some good work in therapy. and hey, i guess this is a good opportunity for discovery. maybe i'm having my "mid life crisis" at 26 and get to discover myself now rather than 40. can i get my new sports car now, too?
so anyway, that is kind of where i am at the moment.
i can do this. i will do this. i'm going back to the basics and doing what i know i can do because it's been done before. it is hard. hardest work i've done in a long time, but i also know that i'm a damn strong woman and i'm not a quitter. so i shall press on.
and on, and on, and on.

Deadlines and dead ends...

it hit me (again) today just how close the deadlines for, well, everything are becoming.
my nutrition classes ends the first week of december so i have to have all of my school work done within the next two weeks. nursing deadlines start mid december and finish up mid january and i just now got my first full application complete. i'm getting stressed. really, really stressed.
i can't help but wonder why i procrastinate such huge decisions and deadlines and wait so long to get moving on things in my life that should be exciting and that i should anticipate. i was watching girl, interrupted last night for like the eighteenth time and happened to listen to a section of dialogue between susannah and her doctor in a totally different light.

(discussing her feelings of ambivilence)

Susanna: I'm ambivaIent. In fact, that's my new favourite word.
Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivaIence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Wick: If it's your favourite word, I wouId've...
Susanna: It means "I don't care." That's what it means.
Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. AmbivaIence suggests strong feeIings in opposition. The prefix, as in ambidextrous...means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour." The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: WiII I stay or wiII I go?
Wick: Am I sane or am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Wick: They can be, dear, for some.
Susanna: WeII, then, it's the wrong word.
Wick: No. I think it's perfect. "What worId is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worIds?" It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The choice of your Iife. How much wiII you induIge in your fIaws?
What are your fIaws? Are they fIaws? If you embrace them, wiII you commit yourseIf to hospitaI for Iife?
Big questions, big decisions. Not surprising you profess carelessness about them.

I often feel a sense of ambivilence when it comes to decision making. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed that I begin to take on an attitude of "i don't care." I've always described this as feeling ambivilent when in reality ambivilence is being torn, pulled in two different directions. The word still implies strong feelings. As was stated in the dialogue above, it probably is the correct word for me, as I do still have strong feelings...so strong they leave me feeling frozen. I'm just not sure I could put into words what those feelings are exactly. The part that really got to me though was at the very end. Big questions, big decisions...not surprising you profess carelessness about them. This could not describe me better. I feel like I should care more about getting everything done and having a plan for the future and knowing what I will be doing in the spring/summer but I don't. Maybe it is because I don't believe that I will actually obtain that future or get to where I want to be. I don't know if I can do it so I don't get my hopes up. Or maybe it is because I'm afraid of having something in my life that could potentially make me happy and fulfilled. Or what if the dreams and goals I'm moving towards don't make me feel fulfilled and aren't really what I want to be doing? Then what? The future scares me. Changing life directions at nearly 27 scares me. Feeling behind in life and very much alone on this path scares me. I'm living my life in fear of the future but also uncomfortable with the present so I'm not sure which direction I want to move or where I want to go from here. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward in some shape, form, or fashion and I can't seem to get things together enough to move anywhere, let alone in some kind of forward motion.
I really am trying to trust that there is a plan for my life and that everything happens for a reason but man, it just gets hard to keep the faith sometimes, you know? This past thursday marked one year from the date I got the letter telling me I would not be allowed to return to graduate school and finish my program. A year ago my entire life plan got thrown out the window and I was forced to choose something else to do. I'm not a big fan of major changes, and that was a big one. Here I am, one year later, still trying to figure out what to do now. I thought that therapy was my calling...the plan for my life. Apparently, it wasn't but you can see how I have some trust issues now in terms of a plan for my life and just going with the flow.
I guess right now I just feel like I don't have anything in my life I can feel very proud of or accomplished for. I'm so used to having something to mark my worth by...something to be proud of, whether that be school and grades or extracurriculars, or research efforts or a blooming social life. And I know that I shouldn't mark my worth by tangible measures, which I'm working on...just a hard pattern to change after doing so for so many years. I know that I'm doing the best I can, but it's hard to remember that sometimes.
Anyway, sorry for the negative nancy post! Think I just realized how close deadlines are and how completely unprepared I feel. I think it is time to start making some lists and prioritizing!
Hope everyone is well.
Much love.

the one with the groceries...

it has just been one of those days.
my emotions have been all over the place and i'm not sure exactly what i'm feeling, or why i'm feeling the gammut of emotions of i am, but it is making me a crazy mess.
i had the day off from work today so i made a quick run to target this morning where i left with a bag full of nothing i actually intended on purchasing and didn't get anything i actually did go to the store for. story of my life. nonetheless, target is always a fun store for me, so i spent quite some time milling around the stationary isles and peering at the kitchen gadgets, planning out my future home all the while. after wasting away half the morning i ran to my dietitian appointment...always grand times. we came up with some new ways to get things into my mealplan and got a game plan going, and prepared some for next week, the big Turkey Day. i will be spending thanksgiving here, most likely alone, which is not all bad as i have a meal planned to cook for myself and will probably catch a movie sometime on thursday. hopefully i can get some schoolwork done, too. i've got to get moving with that or else those deadlines are going to sneak right up on me. anyway, after i got done with my appointment i ran by michael's to purchase some yarn and a new crochet hook...way to use those skills, right? i decided that it had been far too long since i last crocheted so i shoud probably refresh myself. definitely glad i did. i'm already like four rows in :) what an expensive hobby though. after michael's i stopped by reasor's to pick up some groceries while i was feeling the drive to do so. i got everything i needed that i could get at reasor's and had it packed up in two brown bags. on my drive home i happened to see a young, homeless woman standing in the median holding a sign that said "homeless, need help." she was wrapped in a blanket and shivering. let me just tell you, today it got cold here. it was colder today than it has been in a while, so i know that she had to be cold, even if she was just "faking it" (yes, i get skeptical from time to time.) normally, i just pass right by without really thinking twice but for some reason today, with this woman, i couldn't take my eyes off her. the red light seemed to last forever and i just stared. i was two lanes over from the turn lane so it wasn't easily accesible for me to get to her, but i found myself looking around my car to see what all i had. i had some jackets but right as i spotted my jacket i saw a man roll down his window and hand her a coat, which she immediately put on and thanked him profusely. my heart began to break and the tears started to flood my eyes and i realized that i had just gone grocery shopping. yes, it was all stuff that i needed for myself and for my meal plan. yes, it was money spent that i had worked for. sure, she may have not actually been homeless...but who was i to know for sure? all i knew was that i had two separate bags of groceries in back seat and a very small window of time to make a decision. i pulled my car to the left across two empty lanes and stopped in the turn lane on a green arrow, grabbed the first bag i could reach without looking in it to see what it contained and opened the door to hand it to her. she made eye contact with me, thanked me, and then i had to drive. i hadn't even made it through the light before i burst into tears. my heart just broke. it broke for her, and for the look in her eyes. it broke for the fact that she appreciated something that i so very often take for granted (food)...it broke thinking about the fact that i might have very well left those groceries sitting on the shelf to mold or expire and how sad that is. i just sobbed and started apologizing. i'm not even sure what i was apologizing for...and i wasn't directing my apologies at anyone, obviously, but i was apologizing for my life and the way i've lived it. i'm not really sure what happened today on the roadside but it affected me. it broke my heart in a way that everyday ordinary things couldn't. and maybe that is what i've been needing. i'm not saying that was some kind of revelation, but i am saying that from time to time things like that help to keep me in check with the world, with my world. they help to keep my life in perspective. and they help me to stay appreciative.
the rest of the night was good. went to dinner with my roommates and got 3.00 burgers and sweet potato fries. yummy. my stomach is making all kinds of noises now but it was worth it ;)
well, i'm off to continue my crocheting quest.
sleep well, dear friends.

the one about the faith struggles...

Blessings - Laura Story
We pray for blessings

We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Courtesy of lyricshall.com
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I've been struggling a lot with my faith lately. I struggle with trusting that there is, indeed, a plan and a purpose for my life and that I was created whole, complete, without flaws and imperfections like i perceive myself as posessing. I also struggle with an immense amount of anger an confusion as to why, a God who claims to love me and have a plan and a future for me with no intent to harm me, could ever let me suffer and struggle like He has. I've prayed and prayed night after night for Him to take it all away, to remove the thorn from my side and allow me to walk freely without chains. After a while I thought to myself that maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. So I began to pray that He would simply change my mindset, which in turn would give me the ability to then change my behaviors, decisions, and eventually my life outcome. Still, my mindset remained stuck in old ways of thinking and the old, negative, obsessive tapes played over and over again no matter how hard I tried to ignore, shut out, stuff down, muffle, and turn them off. I began to wonder what the purpose of my struggles were. What on earth could God be doing with me while I was weak, sick, frail, and struggling daily with my own inner demons? What good could I do or be to anyone, let alone to myself? The more I tried to make sense of things, the more confused I became until eventually I just shut myself off. I felt disconnected from God, alone, and hopeless. These depths of faithless despair are where I am trying to come up out of. I'm trying to renew the hope I once felt...the connectedness I once had attained. I am trying to see that there is purpose in pain, though I may not be able to see it right now. Though I find myself back in a very similar situation and the scenery looks the same, and I wonder "why? why again?" I know that there IS a reason, even if I can't put my finger on it yet. I am doing the best I can not to lose hope that He will pull me up out of the depths...that I will rise from these ashes, even if it takes almost burning down before being rescued. I hold onto the belief that Hope does not disappoint. Faith is a constant struggle of mine, and when I feel disconnected from myself, when the eating disorder has me disconnected from myself and those around me, i also feel very disconnected from the God that I know loves me regardless of who I am and where I've been. Reconnecting with my faith means being willing to reconnect with myself, as well. It is part of a long and often painful process, one that I need to be working on right now, while I am still holding on to some sense of hope.
Faith is not about believing or knowing or having things look perfectly and go according to perfect little plans...faith is about holding on when things are going "wrong" and seeing the struggles as those little blessings in disguise.

thank you, Laura Story, for the beautiful song and beautiful reminder.

fab fall weekends...

i've had a stellar weekend.
in all honesty, it's been one of the best weekends i've had in quite a while.
no alcohol, no craziness, just friends and fun.

saturday morning i got up and met a friend for brunch at one of our favorite local brunch restaurants, brookside by day. i tried a great new dish that i had never had before and it was delicious. of course, BBD tends to have this running tradition (no pun intended) of upsetting the stomach, but regardless it is always good. after brunch we did a little milling around the mall. i got some cute new purchases from aerie and then decided that was enough for the afternoon. besides, i was ready and itching to go on the hike we'd been planning for a week. tulsa is surprisingly beautiful when it isn't pouring down rain, or dumping snow, or melting you with 115 degree heat, or sucking you up in twisters or most recently, shaking you to pieces in back to back earthquakes. we have some great scenery, especially around this time of year. the leaves are finally turning beautiful shades of oranges and yellows and reds and we wanted to be in those trees so we decided to hike turkey mountain. turkey mountain isn't really a mountain, moreso just the highest elevation in tulsa and one big massive rock formation but it offers beautiful views of the arkansas river and awesome hiking and biking trails in the middle of the woods. it's definitely one of my favorite natural spots in tulsa. so my friend and i picked the yellow trail to follow, as it seemed to be a pretty reasonable distance for foot travel. somehow, we got off the yellow trail and onto some random marked but unmarked trail and went north then south then ended up north again then west then basically zig-zagged all over the place for three hours! we made it out of the woods just as it was getting dark and we were exhausted! it was so tiring, but so worth it. we had a blast.
afterwards, we hit up peiwei and cherryberry to make up for all that energy we expended on our "three hour tour" and then caught up on the wonderful LSU game, which ended so victoriously...geaux tigers! and we also had to root for her team...go pokes :) loooong day, but such a great day. being in nature without technology and just taking in all of the beauty was exactly what i needed to clear my mind and get out of my head for a little while. i could do it everyday...but that probably wouldn't be the wisest idea, as i need to listen to my body's needs right now.
today i met up with her at chocs, the coffee house, and studied/filled out more nursing apps for a few hours and had lunch. i was so exhausted from saturday that my brain just wasn't absorbing much so we called it quits and decided to go to utica and hit up loft. good idea. they had some great sales and i got a few cute sweaters for 50% off :) then we went to tulsa hills to the grand opening of dick's sporting goods and got some new north face jackets, which i had been needing for a while. after exhausting ourselves and our debit cards we decided to cook dinner. i had a bag of quinoa that needed to be cooked, so we decided to test our a butternut squash quinoa chili recipe. though it took way more time to prep than the recipe called for, it turned out wonderfully and was the perfect fall dish. healthy, filling, and gluten free :) i'm going to try cooking a spaghetti squash tomorrow night. i'm on a winter squash kick now. yum.
anyway, the weekend was great.
i've had a lot of energy this weekend and i'm hoping that maybe my spirits are lifting and it's not just some weird mood fluke thing. i'm hopeful. i'm trying to remain optimistic that things can, and will eventually be, different.
the hiking adventure reminded me a lot of recovery, too. i started out on a clearly marked path to recovery and get off track from time to time and end up going every which way...it gets tiring going forward and backward and forward and backward but eventually, i have faith, i will make it out. alive. and before daylight turns to dark.

and here are some photos from this fab weekend :)

life, lessons, things learned...

people are not designed to be perfect.
the human race is a flawed and imperfect collection of beings thrown together, existing among each other and intertwining to create this thing we call life.
therefore, life is not perfect either.
oh the power of deductive reasoning.
yet somehow i manage to struggle immensely with this one aspect of living. i am not perfect. when i stop running around long enough to come to this realization time and time again i freeze up. my perfect plans and perfect dreams and perfect ideals fall apart and i am left with this: i am just me. i am all the messiness, the contradictions, the paradoxes, the mess ups, the mishaps, the victories, the stories, the scars, the memories, the tears, the fears, the setbacks and the progressions. i am a work in progress. i know that no great work is ever perfect, so why is it so difficult for me to admit when things aren't easy, or going as planned? why can i not set aside my pride long enough to say that i need a little support? i think it symbolizes a sense of defeat, a sense of imperfection, a loss of control.
loss of control. i think that greatly influencing my current state of mind. i feel like my well though out, perfectly formulated and calculated plans for my future fell apart and the new plans i have set in place seem to be so ambiguous and almost seemingly unattainable that i feel this overwhelming lack of control and fear that i will, in fact, be left with nothing to do in the near future. then what? i can't simply trust that my future is in good hands...Great Hands, in fact. no, that is just too much for me. i have to have an active part in it, know what is going on, fortune tell. simply put, i'm scared. so scared that i'm immobilized. i'm not doing much of anything to make my goals happen because i'm too afraid that they won't happen. contradictory much? i know it probably doesn't make sense but it does in my head. it is sort of like the fight or flight reaction. when faced with fear or a stressor one either takes action or freezes...i freeze, in most cases.
all of this stress surrounding my future plans and trying to take action and make things happen has me very, very anxious. my brain seems to race at about 210 mph and i can't seem to get much down time. i'd love a break from the mental chaos but i don't see one in the near future, unless of course i can actually get some of my to-do's to-done :)
i'm also working on trust, in several different aspects of my life. i'm working on trusting that i was, indeed, created with a plan and a purpose and that my life is not just spinning around in circles going nowhere fast. i have to hold fast to this belief otherwise i sink into a deep hopelessness incredibly fast and have a hard time coming back out. i'm also working on trusting that the path i'm trying to go in terms of nursing school is the right path for me at this point in time. as always, i'm working on trusting my team and listening to their recommendations even if they are hard and challenging recommendations and i don't always agree or see eye to eye. and i'm working on trusting and listening to my body and its needs and being more intuitive in terms of when to rest and when to go and when to do what.
i'm continually learning about myself, my life, my past, where i've come and where i'm going. i'm learning that i need people and cannot do recovery alone. i'm learning that it is okay to ask for help and it is okay to not always be okay. i'm learning that a bump in the road doesn't necessarily mean a relapse and i'm learning that i do, in fact, have the strength to get back up if i do fall down. i'm learning that communication is key and i'm learning that my faith is one surefire thing that always gives me strength. i'm learning how to be a responsible adult even when i don't always want to be and i'm learning how to take care of myself even if i don't always know how to. i'm learning how to live, even when it hurts.
and i'm learning that i shouldn't probably write after i've taken my night meds because i ramble, haha.
sleep well, all.
<3

just a little update...

i'm back from the living dead.
i've honestly not had much energy or motivation to write or do much of anything the past couple of weeks, so i thought while i had the time and a little dose of energy i'd update on how life is looking these days.

work is going well. it is still busy as ever, and i'm working more of a full time schedule than a part time schedule like i had signed up for, but i need the hours so i can't really complain. i'm just not left with a lot of time to do much of anything else with my day which leaves me feeling stressed and scrambling around for minutes in the day to get other things done. i've decided that the job itself is not one that suits a perfectionist like me well, because it is inevitable that i will make mistakes throughout the day and forget to do something or post something or have something signed. it's also not a job well suited to people pleasers, as customers are often times grumpy and obstinent, especially when it comes to asking for ID's to give them cash back! who would have guessed they'd get pissy because we are trying to protect them? anyway, i get yelled at at least once a day by rude and ungrateful customers and generally just have to stand there and take it while holding back tears. hey, i guess i'm learning how to grow thicker skin, right?

still working on nursing applications. i feel like these applications are the applications from hell, for some reason. i can't remember if i posted or not about my graduate school screwing me and leaving me with F's in two of the classes i medically withdrew from back in 2009, but i finally got around to sending an e-mail to the dean of the graduate school stating that i didn't think it was at all fair that i received F's since my withdraw had nothing whatsoever to do with my academic goodstanding and that i also didn't think it was fair that i was not allowed to return and finish my degree. i also stated in the e-mail that i was fully prepared to move up the academic chain of command if needed, though i hoped it wouldn't need to come to that. she got back to me a week later saying she had forwarded my e-mail to my old grad faculty to see what my options were. basically, she just forwarded my e-mail into a big black hole, since they have been completely unresponsive to me since they kicked me out in 2009. i'm beyond frustrated because i worked so hard to maintain that almost 3.9 gpa, and let me tell you, a 3.9 in grad school is tough stuff! this is delaying me from getting applications complete and sent in and i'm so irritated. so yea, i'm still having to deal with professors and people and crap from the past, unfortunately. hopefully this part of the process will be over and done with soon.

recovery wise, i'm hanging in there. this past week has been a bit better. before this past week, i was just struggling with depression to the point where everything felt mechanical and forced and harder than it should be. i had little motivation and a very high level of frustration. not to mention a very low appetite. i've done better this week with my meal plan, so hopefully i will see some improvement with my weight, too. it's hard to combat the anxiety level that happens to be through the roof right now. my internal engine is racing and i can't get it to slow down long enough to hold on to anything i'm giving it. but the anxiety has been somewhat better this week and i've been able to be more social and less isolating this week as well, so i think that will help the overall picture. i was able to have lunch with my old therapist and get back in with my current therapist to talk about some of the craziness that has been going on and get it out of my head. i made some plans to get things done and stop procrastinating. i figured out how i want to go about moving forward with my life and i think i can do it. i'm trying to get unstuck, as hard as that may be and hoping, with all hope that lay within me, that i have the capacity to do so.

from handcuffs to handlebars...

i've done my entire life backwards.
i used to hear people say that the childhood years were some of the most carefree years of one's life.
i beg to differ, at least in my case.
i spent the first three fourths of my life in bondage; locked inside a prison of self-hate, self-doubt, insecurity, inadequacy, fear, shame, and pain. i've struggled and fought with every ounce of strength and might to become freed. i've used up endless resources and years of my life attempting to escape from captivity.
i was essentially handcuffed to an entity that sucked the very life from me.
when people were learning how to expand their lives and venture out into the world and make something of themselves i was having to learn how to go back and do the basics: eat, sleep, cry, moderate, feel, exhibit self-control, and learn how to let go of control and have a little fun.
i and those on the other, more linear world tracks crossed paths briefly, in some pseudonormal time period i like to call college. i was learning to have a little fun, yet still stuck in a prison of my own. i was letting go of some control yet still hadn't mastered the art of exhibiting self-control. i appeared remotely sociable but still lacked some basic social skills. after college, i began moving backwards toward the basics again and they began moving forward towards the lives they had waiting for them and the great divide widened.
you see, doing things backwards is not a fun nor easy process. maybe i should have given that one a little more thought ;)
i finally found myself at the beginning, where i should have started way back when, but somehow skipped along a little too far. i found myself (with the help of many caring and incredibly patient professionals, friends, and family members ) learning how to eat, sleep, cry, moderate, feel, exhibit self-control, and learn how to let go of control and have a little fun. i was essentially learning how to ride a life bike at 25 years old. they said "grab the handlebars and go!" of course, they told me that you turn the handlebars to the right to actually go right and turn them to the left to go left and gave me guidance on how to navigate life's many twists and turns before sending me off with such cheery hip-hip-hoorays.
but i was free.
my hands were not restrained any longer and instead were controlling the handlebars of my life bicycle...getting me here and there, twisting and turning, going back and forth.
i've since learned that bikes, like cars, can make u-turns. not everything is going to go as planned and sometimes i have to back up and try a different path. i've also learned that getting cocky and trying to ride with no hands usually leads to me on the ground with skinned up knees, among other things.
so i did things backwards. does that mean i did them wrong? not necessarily. it may mean my path was a bit more challenging than most, but maybe i get the rare opportunity of enjoying adulthood instead of being burnt out by age 26. who knows...guess we will just have to wait and see :)

remodeling and rebuilding...

picture this.
your beloved house has burnt down to the ground and is completely in ruins.
you have to rebuild.
start from scratch.
pick up the pieces, salvage what you can, save the memories and keepsakes, and create something new from the wreckage.
you scramble around like crazy picking up pieces of wood that have height markings from where you grew over the years. you plan to use those pieces of wood as part of the foundation for your new home. you gather up the banister you slid down as a child and survey it to see if it is usable. you go about, gathering up parts and pieces, filling your arms, growing tired and weary.
people tell you "just start over!" and "begin from scratch!"
but let's just say you don't have enough money to start completely from scratch so you must use part of the burnt down rubble.
now imagine trying to put together all of these ashen pieces, that are fragile and weakened. you spend more energy just trying to get them to stand and stay in place and hold up the foundation than you do actually building something new. you can never seem to get ahead.
as said in alice in wonderland, "it takes all the running you can do just to stay in one place."

i feel like i run around trying to pick up the pieces of wreckage left behind by the eating disorder, salvaging what i can and atempting to put back together some semblance of a life. i want to just start over and start from scratch but it doesn't always work that way. in order to go to nursing school i have to send transcripts from schools previously attended which means i have to retrace my steps backwards into the past, only to be reminded of the painful years spent in and out of a vicious cycle with an eating disorder. i have to spend time on the phone fighting with administration in an attempt to get F's changed to W's so that i don't look like a complete failure to potential schools. i have to review my college gpa, which could have been much higher if i hadn't been using all of my energy to simply stay alive.
moving forward always requires bringing along some of the past. i've tried one too many times to move forward and leave behind all of the past completely...and i've failed. i've moved states. i've created new personas. i've changed majors. i've disclosed new information. i've hidden information. i've done all of this in a futile attempt to leave the past behind and move on. but will never happen, at least not without bringing with me some of the past, as well. and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. i don't have to get overwhelmed when thinking about fighting with school administration. i can choose to look at it as one more step towards freedom from that chapter of my life. yes, it is a total pain in the butt and i do find myself wishing that things could for once just be easy, but i know i have the capacity to actually do it.
i am learning to choose what pieces from my past are important and what pieces of my past i can let go of. i'm tired of carrying around such a big load and trying to keep my head above water. i'm tired of trying to rebuild and getting nowhere because i'm constantly having to deal with those old, ashen pieces that i keep carrying with me. it's time to do some remodeling, i suppose.
i realize that this post was probably all over the place. it made sense in my head but probably didn't written out. sorry about that!

songs for sunday :)

Mandisa - Stronger
loving this acoustic version of such an awesome song that speaks to me right now...

Mandisa - Just Cry
another awesome song by mandisa

Gary Allan - Life Aint Always Beautiful
you have to get through the initial add before the video and then the video comes up!

:)

tgisaturday...

tgisaturday.
yes, this is the end of my work week.
it has been one long, physically and emotionally exhausting week and i must say that i am very glad it is over. it has involved a lot of work hours, a roller coaster of emotions, a couple of rude and inappropriate comments and some medication changes to throw me off just enough that i don't feel exactly stable.
despite the craziness i am somehow, by the grace of God, still standing.
it always amazes me when i find myself still standing after i've had legitimate reason not to be. i guess that is what resiliency is all about.
anyway, let me back up a little bit and cover some ground not yet covered. i saw a new psychiatrist this past week and we changed up my medication a bit. she switched my sleeping medication from restoril back to ambien but i've been on restoril for so long that i'm having some rebound insomnia withdrawal effects that are stronger than my ambien so i haven't been sleeping this week. she also added to my regimen topomax, which i have been on before, but it is always hard to adjust to when first starting it. it makes me foggy but not tired, so i can't sleep but walk around in a haze for the first few days. all of the changes combined having me feeling out of my element to begin with, and then add to the mix the circumstantial stuff and i made for one very emotional, very teary girl this week.
not sure if i wrote about this already but i was in the process of sending transcripts to nursing schools so i requested an unofficial transcript from usm (where i went to grad school) be sent to me via email. i got the email and saw my transcript for the first time since withdrawing in the spring of 2009. southern had failed me in 2 courses that i took that semester. they shouldn't have failed me since i went through the proper channels to medically withdraw before the end of the semester. underneath the F's was a statement that said "incomplete completion time elapsed." this infuriated me. you see, when they forced me to withdraw and take long term time off they told me that i could come back after taking the time off, so i applied for readmission back in october of last year and they denied me, telling me to wait two more years and then reapply. well, waiting two more years would push me out of the time bracket i had to finish my degree. it was their polite way of saying "don't come back." they never even gave me a choice to finish those incompletes. they just failed me. my gpa went from a 3.8 to a 3.1 because of that .9 semester gpa. and to make matters worse, i already sent those transcripts out before i realized this. i'm going to try and dispute this, as it should show up as a withdraw and not a failure, but it just another thing that is more complicated than it has to be.
i get so tired of things being more complicated than they need to be.
i just want a break. i'd just like something to be easy for once.
so, two days after i find all of this out, the woman doing my risk assessment makes the comment about my body fat percentage. it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i cried myself to sleep that night. and last night.
i'm just discouraged, i suppose.
between the depression and the new medication side effect, my appetite is shot, but i'm eating regardless.
it's just a whole heck of a lot harder to do it. i keep reminding myself that not eating will only exacerbate the depression which will only blunt the appetite and start that vicious cycle that i so desperately want to avoid. but it does feel a lot harder to listen to my hunger and fullness cues when depressed.
i'm trying to make plans and get out of the house to do things besides work to get out of this funk. i need to make a plan to finish the nursing school applications and as much as i just want to avoid calling southern and disputing the f's all together, i have to...so i need to make a plan to do that as well.
my therapist is out of town for like two weeks and suggested i see one of my old treatment team members but i think i'm going to pass on that one. there is too much to try and rehash to someone who isn't up to date on my life and it seems more like a waste of time than anything. i do see my dietitian this week so at least i will have one professional visit this week.
i'm not giving up.
i've still got the fight in me.
i'm just tired and trying to find some energy somewhere, so if anyone has any extra to spare, send it my way ;)
hope y'all have a great weekend <3

ready for tomorrow...

today was a long and very daunting day...and i'm very glad it has come to an end.
i had to do a risk assessment at work today which consisted of getting my blood drawn, blood pressure measured, height and weight measured and then my body fat percentage measured. i asked not to see the weight and body fat but the machine they used to measure body fat required me to hold it in my hands and stretch my arms straight out in front of me so i saw the number anyway. it wouldn't have been so bad because i really didn't know what that number meant but the comment that followed was what really set me off. the woman proceeded to say to me "weird. you are small. i wouldn't think your body fat would be that high."
NOT OKAY.
i tried to push it out of my mind and move on with my day. i went to get panera for lunch and tried to think about things other than my weight and body fat percentage. i tried to act like it didn't bother me but it did. it is still bothering me. i mean, i've been feeling healthy. i've been working out and building lean muscle mass and eating right. i've been doing everything i thought i was supposed to do and then suddenly this comes out of left field. i'm just not sure how to deal and cope with this. i feel caught off guard.
i've encountered several things lately that have me feeling very discouraged. i really do feel like these are obstacles being put in my way in an attempt to get me to stumble and i know that i need to be stronger than all of this but it is hard.
it is harder than hard.
trying to stay strong and stand my ground when i feel like i do seems nearly impossible. yet i know i have no other choice. i just wish it didn't hurt so bad.
i know this is just a bump in the road. i know that i am more than numbers and weights and measurements. i know all of this logically. believing it is another story...but i'm working on it.

recovery is like a sticky trap...

recovery seems a lot like a sticky trap...you know, one of those glue papers that you lay in the corners of your house to catch mice on?
okay, just go with me here.

i went to grab my blanket off the floor today only to realize that it had fallen on top of a sticky trap we had laid down a few weeks back. i tried and tried to free the blanket but each time i would free a section and move on to the next, the previously freed section would get stuck again and it would be back to square one. i'd repeat the process, only to have more sections of the blanket become stuck to the trap. i became frustrated and decided to just cut off a whole section of my blanket instead of figure out a a way to get my blanket unstuck. i took the easy road out and just cut off the problem.
i tend to do this a lot in life. i will try and fix a problem, and give it all i've got, but just as i get one thing under control something else goes awry and i end up feeling like all of my hard work was wasted. i also feel like this from time to time in recovery. i will get the restricting and purging and under control only to realize i've replaced it with exercise. or i will get the self-harm under control only to realize i have become stuck in the eating disorder again...or vice versa. throw together any combination of issues however you'd like. just as i get unstuck in one area of life i find myself stuck in another area. i grow tired from constantly working so hard at trying to stay unstuck but when i become too tired to cope i just cut out the problem areas. i take the easy way out and give up, or give in, or stay in a constant state of denial (which i find amazing since i have SO much knowledge.) i find it ironic that when mice get stuck on a sticky trap and are left to stay stuck, they will starve to death. sound familiar? when i'm left stuck to chaos and disorder in my life without the help of others i would most likely self-destruct and eventually die. that is why a support network is so vital to my recovery. they help me free up certain areas while being careful not to fall in other areas of my life. i've had several moments lately when i thought to myself that my life would be so much better off if i just didn't see anyone or didn't have a team of professionals backing me up but i'm so wrong. you see, having someone help me become unstuck is usually a painful process, as it would be for the mouse stuck to the trap (if you wanted to free the sucker, that is.) it usually involves some ripping and tearing of my soul, some pulling of my conscious, and some degree of hurt. yet once freed, all of the pain it took to get there doesn't seem wasted or in vain...it seems worth it.
i know that relating recovery to a sticky mouse trap may seem way off base but it really does paint a fairly accurate picture of what recovery tends to look like for me. much like trying to pry my blanket from the grips of the trap only to have more blanket come in contact with the glue accidentally, i don't set out to fall back into old ways or habits. it just happens from time to time, and i have to figure out how i will choose to deal with it.
right now, i'm choosing to be upfront, honest, and real with my feelings and thoughts and attitudes.
right now, i'm choosing to do whatever it takes to stay unstuck and free.
right now, i'm choosing to NOT take the easy way out.
painful? yes.
worth it? absolutely.

saturday smiles :)

it's saturday and it seems like a great day for adding some positives to my blog...

today, i'm thankful for the following:
* having friends to spend time with and bond with
* going to the tulsa state fair tonight and eating lots of yummy fair food
* being in recovery which allows me to enjoy that food!
* a hot cup of starbucks cinnamon coffee
* i have my sense of humor back
* i know that a healthy and strong body is better than a frail and fragile body any day
* IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!

the first of many fab fall weekends...

what a great start to the weekend it's been!
first off, my mood has improved and i'm back to feeling much more optimistic and okay with myself and my life. yes, i still feel like i am playing catch up with life, but i can recognize that where i am at in life makes perfect sense given the circumstances and i can't be too hard on myself about things that i couldn't have changed. so mood-wise, i'm feeling much better.

second, i'm done with the work week :)
i love work and love the people i am working with but it is, afterall, still work and that is never something i find myself getting too excited about. i've never really held down a job for very long because i get bored easily and always find it to become very mundane after a short period of time, so even being able to say i like work is a big accomplishment. i'm just glad i had today off so that i could recoop from a hectic week.

third, it's finally starting to feel like fall! i'm loving the cooler weather, and it's just in time for a fun trip to the fair tonight. not going to lie, i'm kind of excited to try the red velvet funnel cake (even though i know my tummy will be not-so-happy afterwards!) and i'm into baking again, so first on the menu are some delish pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, gluten free of course. they are wonderful. i love pumpkin in the fall and winter. it is quite possibly one of my favorite flavors. i love baking and need to do more of it, but i don't need 400 muffins hanging out in my kitchen. maybe i need to start baking for a cause ;)

went out last night with my roommate and another friend. it is always nice just to go out, have a few drinks, kick back and relax. i've done really well with controlling my spending this past week so it was kind of like my treat to myself. as for the finances, well it is definitely tough trying to make ends meet. i'm really trying to do the independent thing (physically, financially, etc.) but man, it is hard. my paychecks barely cover rent and utilities and leave me very little to work with between paychecks. i'm taking on some extra hours at work so hopefully that will help me out to some degree. i am really trying to do this and learn how to be on my own.

i've been feeling a little homesick lately. i love tulsa, and am so glad i moved back, but i do miss my family and i miss my dogs a LOT. i wish i could have brought piper out here with me, but i couldn't stand to uproot her yet again when she has finally settled in. i know, right? i'm looking out for the wellbeing of my dog, haha. but hey, she is my family.

other than that, nothing too eventful has been happening. i'm still working on trying to get nursing applications done but find myself procrastinating. i have a real issue with procrastinating when it comes to big tasks that overwhelm me. it is easier (in the moment) to just push them aside than actually do them, but it always comes back to bite me in the butt.
i have a pretty busy week next week, with longer hours at work, appointments, and hopefully getting my hair done since it has been, well forever since i had it done last. it is time for a re-do!

hope everyone enjoys their lovely fall weekends...afterall, this is the first official fall weekend. yay!
much love <3

"I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something..."

i don't cry easily.
okay, scratch that.
i cry at car commercials, endless grey's reruns, and song lyrics but i don't cry when it comes to things that really matter. like emotions or relationships. it is easier for me to get distant or passive agressive or apathetic. all of which are ways to cope without actually feeling the pain. feeling pain often feels like the worst feeling in the world, even though i know pain is only temporary and will heal with time. i can't remember the last time i cried because i was actually feeling something. maybe on the way out to tulsa because i was already feeling homesick, but otherwise i sure can't remember.
i went to my therapy session today fully prepared to launch off on some tangent about old treatment professionals and how hurt and frustrated i was feeling. and i did, to a degree. but the more i talked the more i began to see what was really underneath it all. tuesday, i left there feeling vulnerable and exposed. feeling those particualar feelings tend to be trigger emotions and that is exactly what happened. it triggered a whole slue of feelings that i was not really up for feeling, so i got oppositional instead. i was ready to write everyone off. and i still somewhat am skeptical and hesitant but have a little more of a level head today. i'm definitely putting some distance in between them and myself. my therapist said i should email them and let them know how i feel, but i think i just need some space...and to find my support elsewhere.
i also ended up talking about how even though i try to stay optimistic and recognize that even though i am taking strides to move forward with my life i still feel very empty without school and without a real career. someone at work asked me where i got my master's degree from and i had to clarify that i never actually finished and only have a bachelor's degree. i know that a bachelor's degree is more than a lot of people have, but to know that i was so close to finishing and didn't and am having to start over from scratch is so hard for me. and it is hard to watch all of my friends move on with their degrees and lives and i feel stuck, in cement, still clueless about where to go from here. i know i've talked about this feeling of inadequacy before but it clearly still has a hold on me. i've done a steller job lately of pushing it aside or down but when i began to talk about where my life is going and how i feel lost and empty the tears just started to come. i was embarrassed, as is always the case when i cry, but i allowed them to come. and my therapist let me just sit with them. i'm thankful for that because if she had tried to combat my thinking or challenge me i probably would have just gotten defensive and totally bypassed the feelings all together.
anyway, i'm tired so i'm just got to call it a post and be done with today.
i've got to shower and get ready for work. still enjoying work, even on the long and boring days. and i'm getting to know the people i work with better and we are making plans. we are dressing up for halloween and celebrating one of the girls' birthday and going to the company picnic together. it's nice to be around normal people who have never had eating issues and watch their interactions and attitudes toward food. it's refreshing.
well, that is about it for now.
peace and blessings. (yes, i watched tracy and my push up bra video last night haha)

wednesday addition

i also decided that regardless of what i post or how i am feeling, i'm going to challenge myself and list at least 5 positives about my day or my body each time i post.
recovery isn't perfect and some days it seems impossible to find positives or remain optimistic but i'm going to sure as hell try.
so for today my positives are as follows:

1) i get to go to work. i have a job, as many people don't, and by working i am making money that allows me to remain in tulsa.

2) my roommate is home and i love having her here with me. she adds accountability and FUN to my life!

3) i have a little furball yorkie to play with now that Jess brought Teddy back with her

4) i have my health and my strength that allows me to go for a walk and enjoy this wonderful weather

5) it is 11:00 and i am still in my PJ's...LOVE.

"Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your attitude. I like fun.”

it has been a LONG day.
i worked from 1-8, though i didn't end up leaving until 8:30 because we were so abnormally busy. i enjoy work and like the people i work with, but today was a tough day. it was the first not-so-great day and i ended up leaving feeling stressed, tired, and frustrated.
first off, when working a 7-7.5 hour shift, a break should be mandated. yet, i didn't get a break. not even a 10 minute break to rest my feet. mondays and fridays at the bank are always the busiest days of the week, as they are big deposit and paycheck days, but this monday was particularly busy. we had non-stop traffic flow in both the lobby and the drive thru and happened to be short staffed by one, so it left us each to do more work. i've been pretty good about getting my transactions completed correctly and staying in balance but today the business had me pretty anxious and i ended up doing a make change transaction backwards. nothing major and nothing that i couldn't go back and fix, but i got yelled at for doing it backwards. my supervisor proceeded to say "why do you ALWAYS do this?!" in a very short, very exasperated tone. i know that she had been there all day and was already exhausted from the constant work, and was stressed about being left short handed so she lost her temper with me. i can see her perspective and understand where she was coming from, i still got my feelings hurt. afterall, i had never made that kind of mistake before so her phrasing felt unwarranted. i work hard and i aim to do my work correctly, and my gosh i am in my second week of working out of my own teller drawer. i'm going to make mistakes. i know all of this yet i still felt like i was going to burst into tears. maybe it was because i was already overwhelmed and stressed from it being so busy or maybe it was hormones, or maybe it was the fact that i am a perfectionist and hate to do anything wrong let alone disappoint someone. needless to say, i was a little flustered after that and began to feel super stressed and paranoid about my work and whether or not i was doing things correctly. i love the fast paced nature of the job and though it is a stressful job i do enjoy it. i just hate days like today when work just sucks and i feel like nothing i do is ever good enough. i'm sure tomorrow will be better though.
on a totall random note, my roommate (my third roommate and friend) is getting home in less than an hour from a 6 week euro/lebanon traveling escapade and i so cannot wait. we are both in recovery and will be very good supports for each other. we are also both in similar spots right now so having her here to help me stay accountable will be wonderful. not to mention, she is going to cook all of her delish lebanese recipes for me...nom nom. i just can't wait for her to get back and for us to be roommates in the same country, haha.

body image is still kind of rough, though slowly getting better now that i'm nearing the end of my period. i hate this time of the month because regardless of how far along in my recovery i may be, it still manages to screw with me. i can think about all the logic of water retention and such but to actually believe it during that week each month seems impossible. so yea, body image is slowly getting somewhat better. i see my dietitian tomorrow, so we will see what she has to say. i'm ready to see my therapist on thursday. i cancelled our last appointment to try and save some money, so now i feel like i have lots and lots to say to her this week.

otherwise, i'm doing pretty well. moods seem to have stablized out some, though not as optimistic as i prefer, haha. but at least i'm not so up and down. i think that might have been hormonal. i've got a pretty busy week ahead of me, but i keep reminding myself that busy means money and money means fun ;) plus, i'd rather be busy than bored any day.
guess that is about it. hope everyone is doing well!
<3

short and sweet, or not-so-sweet

i feel gross.
i've been super hungry for the last week or so, and i've eaten just about everything i was craving which is fine, but it has left me feeling pretty guilty and very, very uncomfortable in my skin. i hate feeling guilty for eating when it is such a natural, mandatory act but regardless, i do.
i just feel like i've been out of control with my eating. logically, i know this isn't true but it 'feels' that way.
anyway, i guess between feeling bloated from eating and bloated from my period i just feel gross in general.
short and sweet post, but i needed to get that out.