i'm diving in..

i said i was going to be better at posting regularly this time..i will. life always seems to get hectic and in the way, but i'm going to make an effort at keeping up with this. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how much i want my life back. okay, maybe i should rephrase that..i've never really had a life that is worthy of getting back. most of my life has been consumed by an eating disorder, and if i turn back the hands of time to before the start of this ugly disease i was so young..and i definitely don't want to be a child again. so maybe, i just want LIFE back. i want to be living again..i want to rejoin the human race. i've spent so many years running from responsibilities, running from adulthood, running from the unknown. where has it gotten me? stuck, thats where. i'm standing still while people, places, my entire world is moving on like people moving about the busy streets of New York City. I am nearly 25 years old and i've seen my friends graduate the master's program that I was supposed to graduate, had friends get married and have babies, watch them travel to foreign countries and begin to change the world. and here i am, too tired to work, too braindead to go to school, and to lifeless to enjoy the days. i have had enough. i think the fear of responsibility and the unknown has finally been outweighed by the absolute desperation to be functional again..to really live life for what it is. does this mean things are going to be perfect. of course not. i would be fooling myself if i thought everyday was going to be all daisies and roses. but it has GOT to be better than this. for so long, i've said i was ready to get better, but held on to one little piece of the disease as a fallback, a security blanket, so to speak. no more. i can't do that anymore because i will forever cling to that one small piece unless i completely let go. i think i've finally come to the point where getting better outweighs staying sick. i'm ready..and i'm diving in.