long overdue update

whew.
it has been quite some time since i last updated and i apologize for the time in between posts. i can't even begin to explain how tiring treatment can be! i promise to try and start updating more frequently and sharing more of my triumphs as i continue on this path of recovering my life.
for starters, i am entering into my tenth week in treatment and let me just tell you, it has often felt like those weeks have passed by in rapid speed and at other times it feels as if they could not possibly drag on any slower. the days pass by slow but the weeks seem to fly by. i am so grateful for the time i have had and continue to have working, fighting, challenging, and recovering from this eating disorder. the thing about eating disorders is that they are not magically cured overnight or with a particular medication adjustment or with a certain number of therapy sessions. the pain can be greatly lessened with time spent doing these things but often times it takes repetitive cycles to learn a little more each time and actually get it. i'm having to continually be gentle with myself and remind myself that just because i wound up back in this situation does not in any way indicate that i am a failure or disappointment or less than. i simply needed another push...another step in the recovery journey.
this time around is different. i feel different. in the past, i've been known to hide behind makeup and accessories and dressy clothes to make my outside look as presentable as possible because i felt like my insides were ugly and unloveable and unworthy. i've been known to treat my time inpatient more like sorority life than actual treatment and be the social event planner and the welcoming committee and the bubbly girl who never had a down day and always had positive things to say. i found myself sitting in session this time around feeling enormous sadness because i just didn't feel like myself. i couldn't quite put a finger on why until i realized that i just didn't feel as outgoing or engaged or socially out there, so to speak. i was gently reminded by my therapist that maybe, just maybe, i'm actually being real this time and maybe i'm doing the work that needed to be done a long time ago. i think she might be on to something.
so i find myself stripped of makeup and accessories, sitting back and allowing myself not to be the center of any and all things social, and i'm finding that i'm so much more in touch with my emotions. definitely a good thing.
i'm also learning how to challenge all the beliefs i have surrounding food and weight. when i relapsed this time, i developed an insane level of anxiety, greater than ever before, which manifested itself in the form of whole food obsessions and healthy living and being green. i also held tightly to the belief that small equalled so many things that i wanted, like safety, less vulnerability, control, relief from worry and chaos, etc. i'm slowly but surely learning that a) i can have all foods in balance, variety, and moderation and there are no such things as good or bad foods and b) true safety and control comes from being healthy in body, mind, and spirit.
having to weight restore again hasn't been easy. in fact, it is often uncomfortable and leaves me doubtful. yet i continue to challenge those uncomfortable feelings and do things that will eventually help me become more comfortable in my skin again. i'm wearing shorts and dresses even though my brain says "don't!" and i'm choosing not to hide under blankets pretending that i am cold even when i'm not. i'm looking in the mirror and trying to be as non-judgemental as i can be, though i find this to still be particularly hard. and i am reminding myself that i once was at a healthy weight AND happy. that is what i want to get back to...healthy AND happy. i know it is possible because i have been there.
i have a lot to continue to work on in the coming weeks and some big decisions to be made, as well. hopefully come the end of april or beginning of may when i leave this place i will be much more sturdy on my feet, have a more logical brain in my head, and a greater appreciation for myself and my life.

needless to say, a lot has been happening over the past several weeks. through breakdowns and breakthroughs i am taking strides and moving forward. it is not easy by any means, but i know that it will so be worth it in the end. i refuse to give up the fight right before i can finally feel victory.

<3 LB