Life has a funny way of directing you, pushing you in certain directions, stopping you dead in your tracks, and forcing you to take a long, hard look at how you are truly living. It is usually when we think we have things most together that we realize we actually have very little all neatly put together, afterall.
This was the case for me.
September 2010 - I discharged from Laureate after 4 1/2 months feeling strong and confident in my ability to maintain recovery, live life, and do what I needed to do to move forward and progress. I moved home, got a job, tried to make friends and kept on trucking along.
May 2011 - I celebrated one whole year in recovery. One year was the longest I had gone without eating disorder behaviors ever.
July 2011 - I was asked to speak at Family week at Laureate so I flew from Orlando to Tulsa to meet up with friends, share my life/recovery story and reminisce about old times. I began thinking about moving back to Tulsa to try and practice being independent and to learn how to do recovery on my own two feet without the constant support and supervision of my parents.
August 2011 - I packed my car as full as it would go and drove cross-country thousands of miles away to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I moved into a house with a friend and began my life as an independent adult. I immediately got a job and was really enjoying my life. I began applications to nursing school and thought I was on a fast track to success.
October 2011 - Nursing school applications started becoming problematic. The stress of work was getting to me and all of the transitioning I had done was sinking in. My recovery was slipping but I couldn't even see that I was struggling. I honestly felt as though I was fine and didn't have a thing to worry about in terms of recovery.
November 2011 - The only complete nursing applications I had done fell through. I was left with no plans for the future and felt aimless. My neat little life plan was falling apart in front of my eyes and I had no idea what to do with myself or my life. Because I didn't have future plans that I could be working towards, I started exercising more, eating less, and started slowly slipping away.
December 2011 - I went home for Christmas and was confronted about my deadly spiral. I was forced to look at a problem that I had become a pro at avoiding. I realized that I was in need of help but didn't know what that would entail or how to even ask for the help I needed.
January 2012 - After much debate and discussion with my team, I realized I wasn't getting better despite my own efforts so I called and got an admission date to readmit to Laureate.
February 2012 - I readmitted to Laureate on February 13th, where I would spend the next 4 months of my life working on recovering all that I had lost. For some reason, deciding to go back this time was the hardest decision I feel like I have made in a long time. This particular stay was very difficult for me. Not only did I have a lot of physical work to do but I also had a lot of emotional work to do. I think I knew that I had to really buckle down and start making changes so I dug my heels in hard at first. I refused to change and let go for many weeks before I actually allowed myself to break down and start to soften up and change. Once I did let go, the real life-changing healing began.
May 2012 - I discharged from programming to Mag House, where I will remain until the middle of June.
After much reflecting, here is what I have learned...
Life rarely goes as planned. When plans change, it doesn't have to equate to catastrophy and disaster. It could mean new beginnings and fresh starts and unique opportunities. I have to learn how to adjust my plans and not live so rigid and concrete.
I don't have to be or do anything. A life with constant expectations is quite a miserable life. I've learned to live without expectations and just roll with the day to day, instead. No one expects me to be perfect and amazingly successful and miraculously perfect so why should I expect that from myself? It's rather silly, if you ask me.
I am not a living, breathing mannequin. My body is not designed solely to be accessorized and hidden behind makeup and clothing. It is okay to embrace natural beauty and to do things like go to the grocery store with no makeup and messy hair. I don't have to live on display at all times. I've done enough of that, so it's time to give myself a break.
I am much more likeable and enjoyable when I am real and genuine. The only way I can be more real and genuine is to stop hiding behind accessories, sarcasm, fake happiness and the like and start being open and honest and approachable. People actually enjoy me when I let them close enough to get to know the real me.
There is no such thing as a wrong or right decision. Decisions are simply decisions. I've learned to make them and then go with however they play out. I now know that I have the ability to change my mind once I make a decision and that no decision is ever completely binding or suffocating or going to trap me as I so often think. I am allowed to change my mind.
Food is just food. It is fuel for the body and only has power if I let it have power. It is not an entity that can possess supernatural powers to make me look or feel a certain way. It is simply something necessary for sustaining life...a life I choose to live and want to live.
I never want to do this again. I have a whole list of reasons why I never want to enter treatment again and why life outside of these four walls, as hard as it is most days, is worth so much more than a life inside a box.
A life in recovery is so much more desirable than a life lived existing as a vacant, empty shell of a person.
So, life may not have gone how I had planned or looked quite as I imagined it would when I walked out of these doors back in September of 2010, but I have certainly learned a lot, made significant growth, and become more of the Leah Beth that I have missed out on over the years. It has been so nice to finally meet me again.
xoxo.
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