i'm going stir crazy.
i'm considering discharing from mag before this second month is up because i am so ready to get out and live my life and do things on my own and just be normal again. i'm so tired of doctors and dietitians and therapists and appointments and hospitals. i really just want to be done with it all, you know?
i guess it's a pretty common place to get to at some point in time throughout this process. everyone is telling me how unwise it would be to leave a) before i was actually ready to leave and b) leave and cease all outpatient appointments. yet i can't help but wonder if i was just done with everything if i could actually fare well. i guess it is definitely something i need to be thinking about.
i am also thinking seriously about my exercise plan upon discharge. i want my activity to be more normalized and have more variety to it, but i don't want to do anything that would put my recovery in jeopardy. i'd love to be able to bike in moderation or swim and honestly think that with the right amount of accountability i could do it, but my team is concerned that it could become obsessive as it has been before. i completely understand their concern but feel like i have a better grasp on things now and could balance appropriate activity and appropriate fueling. i am just getting so bored with doing the same old activity day in and day out. i need something to make it fun again.
also something to be thinking about.
and i'm just generally going stir crazy in terms of life.
i feel like my life is going nowhere and has gone nowhere since i was 23 years old. yes, a lot has happened in the past 4 years, but that nice upward trajectory i was on has flattened out and is horizontal now. recovery is a huge feat and i acknowledge that what i am doing IS something, but i would like my life to start moving forward and upward again. the longer i am "out of life" so to speak, the harder it is to jump back in it. i feel unprepared and inadequate and mostly scared of life and all that it requires. i think back and i never used to be like that. i always faced life head on and took on whatever challenges presented themselves but lately i worry constantly and can't function without a plan. except, i don't have anything to plan for and a lot to worry about. i'm going stir crazy and i need something to happen with my life soon.
however, i am trying to trust that it will all start to move and happen and change in due time. i'm trying to trust the process and sit with the day to day. it is hard, probably the hardest thing i've done in a while, and i often think i am going to break, but i'm hanging on...hanging on for dear life. life is dear, afterall.
ok dont take this as a lecture or that I am stalking you...but I think you should stay there. Its an opportunity to make sure you are strong for life and what it holds so you get the life you want to move forward and upward. it takes time, be patient it will wait for you. If you go out when you arent ready, you know where that can lead. I see that you wrote about exercise, and as a follower on pinterst...I am also concerned. I know the anxiety and stir crazyness when you want to go home but you can be home later as long as you like. This opportunity you have now only lasts for so long. Take advantage of it!
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