i'm discharging from mag house on thursday.
less than a week until i am completely free and on my own.
it's hard to believe that four months have come and gone and my work here is done. bittersweet, really. i've made a lot of wonderful friends and fond memories, but i am thankful to be heading out into the world again. i'm definitely nervous. actually, nervous is quite an understatement. i'm actually scared to death. all of the crazy whatifs are tugging at my brain and i'm creating scenarios in my head that probably won't even happen.
what if i can't maintain recovery?
what if my meal plan proves to be too challenging to follow?
what if i don't have money for groceries?
what if i don't find a job?
what if i get too bored?
what if i have urges late at night and no one is around to talk to?
what if i'm home alone too much?
what if?
what if?
what if.
i'm discharging to no real structure as of right now, so it's going to be even more challenging to combat the boredom and loneliness i will most likely initally feel. i've been searching and searching for a job but i am having absolutely no luck. i'm trying not to let it get me down and trying even harder not to define myself by my lack of a job. i have this ridiculous tendency to define myself by my abilities and accomplishments and when i am not accomplishing something then i feel like i am worthless. i begin to judge myself and get really hard on myself, which is never a good situation. so, i'm preparing myself for these possible upsets and going to adjust my recovery process as necessary. i plan to utilize mag house as an alum and spend my days hanging out if i have nothing else to do. i plan to utilize my team more during the transition and jobless period. i'm going to be more accountable with my meal plan. i'm refusing to let these possible situations get me down.
so, this is going to be quite the transitional week or so for me. i feel strong and confident and am hoping i can hang onto that feeling as i venture out into the world once again. life is waiting for me, and i'm waiting to truly live.
xoxo.
You're a strong woman. You will make it through this. Not having a job does NOT define you. You define you so remember that. Even if you sat around in your pajamas and watched TV all day every day (though that wouldn't necessarily be healthy), you'd still be a beautiful, courageous, amazing woman. Deb used to give me the mantra "I am not what I produce." I, too, find it incredibly difficult not to be "doing" anything productive, but sometimes just "being" is really healing and brings up a lot of stuff for us to work on. I am so proud of you for working so hard, and I have absolute faith and confidence in you. I'm praying hard for you and I know you'll find recovery because you are SO worth it. Missing you sweet girl <3 Sending lots of love and hugs your way
ReplyDeleteAs a counsellor once asked me: What if you live the rest of your life asking "what if?"? ;)
ReplyDelete