"you can't move forward until you let go of the past..."
what if the past refuses to let go of you?
i try and try to let go, move forward, and put the past behind me, but every time i open the refridgerator door or sit down to eat a meal the past creeps up and taps me on the shoulder. i feel as though it (the past, the eating disorder) is always there, waiting for a chance to slip right back in every so slightly and unnoticable, when i am least expecting it. i find myself scratching my head as my journal entries start to sound more disordered, wondering where the shift occured and where the eating disorder wedged its way in. just when i think i have sealed all the cracks, the ground begins to shift and new cracks emerge. i feel as though i am always filling cracks, lugging around a big bag of concrete protectant, which is tiring and weighs me down. i know that it is worth it, but it gets ever so tiring. i should have learned by now that it will most likely take me years before i can let my guard down, and until then i must remain on my toes, looking out for possible curveballs and triggers. i must stay aware of my thoughts and feelings and be vigilant about protecting what i have continually fought for.
moving forward has proven to be a difficult feat when i still feel like there is a foot tied to the past. i want to cut the last tie, but i'm still not sure quite how to do that. yes, i would love to just sign myself up for a lobotomy but i don't think that would be the most pleasant experience. and i'm not exactly the most patient person, so simply waiting around for the negative tapes to run their course and the thoughts to shift into more positive thoughts seems rather daunting.
i suppose i just keep doing what i am doing.
i just keep showing up each day and trying.
i keep pouring the concrete and filling the cracks as they emerge.
i keep getting back up on my feet when i fall.
i pick up the fork and eat, even if i'm not hungry or missed the last meal or don't really feel it all that necessary.
i keep listening to my team, even if we don't always see eye to eye, and do the next right thing which involves a high level of trust.
i just keep going, even when stopping and giving up feels like the most reasonable option.
eventually, hopefully, the last remaining ties to the past will dissipate and i will find myself lighter, more able to move freely, and more alive.
and ps, i hope to never forget the past because my past has made me who i am today. i just don't want to be anchored by my past, my mistakes, my wrong turns, my lessons learned. i want to use my past experiences to help mold my future so that i can embrace all that life has in store for me. remembering the past is part of what helps me move on, remaining in the past will never allow me to get there.
i'm a bit speechless: I feel like saying "I relate so much" is cliche and almost disrespectful to what you've shared (even tho it IS true)...and saying that "I totally needed to hear this" or "I learned a lot from this" (also true) isn't conveying the right tone of support that I'm feeling either.
ReplyDeleteSo, I guess I'll simply say that I'm in the battle with you. Our journeys may not be identical, neither our ups, downs, or the pasts and futures we battle daily. But ironically, as you were writing this, I was at a conference where people and symbols of my past collided with goals I had for my future. The outcome wasn't pretty.
And today was a new day. And I picked myself up, did the next right things, went to my appointments, and started hashing out the slippery slope(s) I find myself suddenly on with my team.
It's a bumpy, cruel road. But as I've said of many such roads in my life--there's no alternative.
Just know you're not traveling this one alone.
<3<3