I will not be defeated.

“As I grow older, much older, I will experience many things, and I will hit rock bottom again and again. Again and again I will suffer; again and again I will get back on my feet. I will not be defeated. I won’t let my spirit be destroyed.”

It has been a while since I last wrote an entry. Honestly, I just wasn't sure what to write or how to explain what I've been feeling or experiencing the past couple months. It hasn't been an easy transition back home. It's been a bit lonelier than I expected and I've had more time on my hands than I was ready for. My depression reared its ugly head and threw me full force into bed and under the covers for hours and days on end, only retreating from the covers to go to work 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. I began to get less motivated and more lethargic, leaving me with no desire to do even the smallest day to day tasks. I think people without depression picture it as a twinge of sadness, or the occasional tearfulness, when in reality it becomes a complete inability to be a functional human being. You become a pathetic lump, realizing the entire time that your inability to make a meal or run an errand or get in the shower is completely abnormal yet not being able to do much about it. Depression overtakes your life, just like an eating disorder does. Depression, when tring to recover from an eating disorder is like extra poisionous. For me, it made doing things like going ALL the way downstairs to the kitchen to prepare an entire meal or go to the grocery store and lug around the heavy groceries nearly impossible. I let those priorities slip which only fed into the eating disorder mindset, telling me that it wasn't all that important anyway. I didn't think much of that, as I thought my sole issue was the depression I was currently experiencing. It wasn't until someone called me out on it that I realized the eating disorder had slipped back in, as well. Depression and eating disorders tend to be cyclic. Depression leads to loss of appetite (for me personally) which leads to slight weight loss which flips the eating disorder switch on. The eating disorder leads to an increase in depression, which leads to less motivation and energy to actually eat and do what I'm supposed to. The less nourished I am the more depressed I get. It becomes one big cycle and it's very hard to get out of, if that makes sense. And it becomes so easy to become hopeless in the middle of all the spinning and cycling around and around. Needless to say, a few months ago, I never thought I would back in this place, spending most of my time in my pajamas, unable to do what I need to do to stay healthy. I felt sure I had already hit my rock bottom and there was no where left to go but up. Maybe there is no such thing as rock bottom and believing in one only sets us up for failure when we do slip. Maybe we need to learn how to deal with the continual ups and, yes, downs we will experience in life. I love the quote I posted above because it does not discount the fact that there are continual bottoms in life and continual suffering (which to pretend that there isn't would just be naive) yet I was given legs for a reason, and I'm beginning to believe that maybe they aren't for running or walking or burning calories...maybe they are for getting back up again and again and again. I may be stuck right now, but as long as I hold on a little bit longer each day, I know I can get back up, no matter how long that might take.
My physical body might take a beating over and over again, but i will tell you one thing...I was given a strong spirit. Just when I think I can't keep going I find one little spark of hope. One little yellow box of hope inside me to keep my spirit going. I will not allow it to be destroyed.
So I guess that is where I am. Not doing great, but I am not allowing myself to be defeated either. I will figure out how to get out of this cycle, I will get back up again, and I will keep going. I've done it before and I can do it again.