5-10-15

In our relapse prevention groups yesterday and today we did an exercise called the "5-10-15 year chair" exercise. Basically, you start by sitting in the first chair, the 5 year chair. You add 5 years onto your life and then proceed to describe what you image the next 5 years of your life would look like if you continued to stay in a state of relapse and disorder. If you are lucky enough to think you would ever be able to make it another ten or fifteen years, you move down to the next two chairs and describe life from there. After that is done, you stand up and start over, only this time imagining what life would be like with 5,10,15 years of recovery. It is actually a very sombering and eye opening exercise and one that I have done on multiple occasions and managed to gain something from each time I participate. This time, because of where I am in the recovery process, I decided to write out my 5-10-15 year life plan for both relapse and recovery to remind myself of the options I have before me and the chance I have to make life better, richer, and fuller...

5 years in relapse:
My body has begun to shut down, organ system by organ system. I am too weak and too depressed to hold down a job, so I find myself living in a group home or shelter of some sort. My family would have given up on me by now and my friends would have had enough and couldn't stand by and watch me slowly kill myself. I'd be alone in the world. I'd be suicidal and think about killing myself on a daily basis. Things and people I value wouldn't be enough motivation to keep fighting. I would have simply lost all passion and desire for life. I'd be unable to perform activities of daily living without extreme effort so I'd most likely forfeit hygeine to lay in bed all day. I'd become someone I absolutely despised and wall off from the world. I'd be incredibly lucky if I actually lived to see another 5 years in relapse. There wouldn't even be a 10 or 15 year shot because I would have died of eating disorder complications or by my own hand before 5 years ever passed.

Now, on to the brighter side of recovery :)

5 years in recovery:
Life will most likely not look perfect, as early recovery is never without slips and setbacks, but I will have a much greater footing and feel much more confident in my ability to sustain recovery. I will value my life and my worth and not think about death on a near daily basis. I will have figured out what my passions are and decided to either go back to school or find a career that suits my passions. I may decide to travel, or even do missions work. Because I will have learned how to love myself, I can now allow others to love me and will have entered into a romantic relationship and may even be married within 5 years. I will be able to hold down a job so I can save money to take a european vacation. I will have had some of my writing published and maybe been asked to speak about my experiences at schools or churches. I will still see an outpatient team and will still follow a meal plan for the first few years.

10 years in recovery:
I will be 37 years old. I will have a stable, steady income from a job that I enjoy and a job that gives to others and allows me to feel fulfilled. I will have a family by this point in time. I'll have children, hopefully girls, and will raise them to honor their bodies, their hunger and fullness cues, and their passions in life. My marriage will be strong because I will have learned how to set healthy boundaries and have open, honest communication. I will have opened my own store as a side job called LBCreations, and will sell homemade items and a line of gluten free baked goods. I will be a PTA mom and an active member of my church. I still keep in touch with my treatment team and see a therapist when I need to. I will have learned how to eat intuitively by this point in time.

15 years in recovery:
42! Wow, I never thought I would live to see 30, let alone my 40's. My kids are growing up rapidly, and are becoming strong and independent young women. I do worry about them simply because they have genetics at play, but I have raised them to the best of my ability and shared with them my own experiences in hopes that they are aware of the dangers of eating disorders. The family has moved by this point in time into our dream home in Colorado. I work as a clinical psychology researcher and freelance write on the side. My husband is a pilot ;) I moved LBCreations to Colorado and it has taken off. I'm actively involved in eating disorder awareness and prevention and speak locally and statewide about my experiences. I also give back to my community by volunteering. My family and I travel in our free time and take up new hobbies in order to bond. I no longer let food or weight define me, rather I find my self-worth in my ability to be a good mother, a compassionate human being, a peaceful person, etc. Recovery feels amazing and I am so thankful I stuck it out.

So, I know it most likely won't look just like that but the point of the activity was to get us to think of the reality of living more years with the eating disorder and how deadly that will be and then to think of the alternative - life in recovery, and how amazing that is going to be. Not every day will be perfect but my worst day in recovery is bound to be better than my very best day in the illness.
In session today we looked at some old sick pictures at my stance and my closeness in proximity to others when I am sick and she told me that when I am sick I just look empty. She said had she not known me beforehand, looking at those pictures she would have simply thought "how sad and vacant and sick she is." my best days in the illness consisted of emptiness and vacancy and separation and blackness. A bad day in recovery has GOT to be better than that, so I am willing to shoot for the 5,10,15 years of recovery vs. relapse.

that's it for tonight.
much love. <3>