my raw, revealing overdue update

Here is to my 200th post. It's going to be a raw, and very gut-wrenching one for me, but I need to speak the truth, so as to remind myself never to go backwards and to share with you just how entangling an eating disorder can truly be.

Where do I even begin? I last updated at the end of November. A lot has happened in two months time. I discharged from programming on December 28th and had quite possibly the best closing I've ever had. It was so nice to hear what people really thought of me. I moved upstairs to Magnolia House and immediately started working, doing patient admitting at the surgery center in the hospital. I wasn't working full time, but I was definitely working more than my allotted 20 hours that Mag House allowed. I learned quickly just how hard it is to take care of myself and my recovery while jumping head first into an almost full time job. I should have taken my month at Mag to take things slow but, as with most of us, I took on too much too fast.
I struggled in Mag House, even moreso than in programming. I was learning from my mistakes, but making them nonetheless. I also had to face a lot of decisions. Did I take the full time job? Move back to Florida? Get an apartment in Tulsa? I had to choose, and fast.

I was set to discharge from Mag House this coming Monday. I was already looking at apartments and dogs and getting excited about starting my life outside of Laureate. I thought I had everything going for me. Then I had a tough weekend, had to process it with my therapist which was incredibly difficult, and it all just hit me. I was about to become an adult, on my own, without any kind of back up plan. On Tuesday, after the session, I became incredibly anxious so I took some of my anxiety medication. When it didn't do anything, I took more. I waited for an effect but nothing happened so I took more. I stayed within my limits but took them all at once and then took my seroquel along with it. By dinner time, one of my peers came in to wake me and I couldn't wake up. I was out of my mind during dinner and group which concerned everyone. They had me evaulated by the nurse who then sent me to the Clinical Assessment Department of the hospital and from there I was admitted to the psych floor. I stayed until Thursday afternoon. I found out on Thursday that I was being kicked out of Mag House. I was devestated. I haven't stopped crying since I found this out. I realize they made their decision in order to keep the other girls safe and that there just wasn't much more they could do for me, but I felt SO rejected and hurt. I felt like everyone hated me and my treatment team, the few people who actually believed in me, had finally stopped believing in me. I don't even think the word devestated does my feelings justice. I got out of the psych unit on Thursday, made a beeline for my room at Mag, sobbed as I packed my things, and then took them home. I have to admit, it was such a lonely feeling leaving. It just wasn't the way I wanted to leave Laureate. I wanted people to be proud of me, not disappointed in me. I wanted them use me as an example, not warn others to stay away from me.

This has been a huge blow to my ego. I'll admit, my first thoughts were "I wish I had just ended it all" and "If everyone has finally given up on me, I might as well give up on me too." But I've decided that I'm going to use my God given obstinence and stubborness to prove everyone wrong. I'm going to do this. I am going to beat this eating disorder, even if I have to do it alone, on my own.

They have done all they can for me. It's kind of like a mama bird pushing the baby bird out of the nest. The mama bird has nursed the baby, fed it, nurtured it, and taught it all it knows. It has done all it can do, so it nudges and then pushes the baby bird out. It is then up to the baby bird to use its wings to fly or just to fall. Either way, it is terrifying for that baby bird and the bird must feel so abandoned and alone in those first few moments, but image the feeling of success when it spreads its fragile little wings and finds that it can fly.

I am the baby bird, learning to fly on my own. It hurts and I am terrified, but I am doing it. I'm going to prove everyone wrong and fly.

So yes, this past week has been awful and trying and quite the learning experience, and definitely full of hurts and tears, but I am going to come out on top, triumphant and victorious. Recovery isn't perfect, and going at it alone is going to make it that much harder, but I was born a resilient fighter so I can face the challenge.
I've got this.

xo