my heart is heavy tonight...

i don't really have a lot to say tonight.
my heart is heavy and hurting for friends that i love and care about.
two of my dear friends are dying as a result of their eating disorders and without help, determination, and hope they aren't going to make their way out of the hell they are currently existing in. one of my friends is at ACUTE and not responding to the program there. i'm worried that if they can't even help her and if she won't allow them to help her then no one will be able to get through to her. her body is failing and so is her resolve. my other friend has been in and out of the medical hospital consistently since the fall and is only getting worse. her insurance refuses to cover her, which is absolutely wrong and absurd, therefore she can't get the help that she so desperately needs to get medically stabilized and mentally strong again.

it breaks my heart to see my friends struggling so much, and in such a fragile state. it scares me that either one of them could just not wake up one morning. it really makes me aware of the gravity of this illness. often times, actually more often than not, i think that i am invincible...that my body will never actually shut down or that i can be the exception that can restrict and purge and exercise without any serious consequences. when looking at myself and my own eating disorder, i never actually see myself potentially dying from it, even during the times that i have come so dangerously close to doing so. i always think i can push the envelope just a little bit further, yet, when i look at my friends i can see just how deadly they are and how devestated i would be if anything happened to my friends. i have lost several friends to the eating disorder and it was crushing. it also served as a major wake up call and reality check. i think it is always easier to see things and realize things when we look outside ourselves.

i just don't want this stupid illness to claim anymore innocent lives! it isn't fair! i wish things were different, that more help was readily available, that there was more awareness...i just wish i could do something for my friends, for others struggling, for everyone. it just makes me so sad.

anyway, i just needed to get that out.
i will do a "welcome home to florida blah blah" post tomorrow.
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