The Dark Knight Rises...

Bear with me as I'm going to make a Batman analogy...

I had a talk with my dietitian yesterday and it got me thinking...about Batman.

She said, "Leah Beth, I know you want to fight and get better, and we are going to keep working as if you can, but I’m just afraid that you’ve passed that point and your brain chemistry won’t let you become unstuck. It isn’t about white knuckling it with willpower anymore. There is a certain point in time when people just get so stuck that they can’t make changes on their own and that is where I feel you are.”

Don't ask me how Batman crossed my mind, but it did.
So, in the Dark Knight Rises, Bruce Wayne ends up in the Pit, also known as "the worst hell on Earth." The Pit is a giant well-like prison in a deserted land, and people try and try to escape but they cannot climb the walls without falling back down. Only one that he knew of had been successful at getting out. The only way out of the Pit, realistically speaking, would be if people threw a rope down and hoisted the prisoners up. Otherwise, the prisoners would be stuck down there in that hole forever.

It wasn't like they didn't want to escape, and it certainly wasn't for lack of trying, but it just seemed an impossible feat alone. This feels a lot like being stuck in an eating disorder and behaviors and feeling unable to escape. My deepest earthly desire is that I am able to have easier mornings, sweeter days, and calmer nights. I want to get out and become free but I feel like I'm stuck deep in the Pit.

So what happens when the desire of the heart is overridden by the chemistry of the brain? Honestly, I don't have a good answer for this, but it seems like it is the million dollar question, at least for me. I was so grateful to hear her say that we would continue working as if I could change my behaviors...she must have hope that there is an escape ladder out of the Pit.

So basically I have no idea where I was going with this post, other than I feel a lot like a prisoner of the Pit, and I want to develop the strength and courage it took Talia to climb to her freedom (note: I do not want to become a psycho killer villain though!)

And that is where I am today. Peace be with you.