exposing it

I have been hesitant to post anything here, as I know how exposed it leaves me, however after giving it much thought I've come to the conclusion that recovery encompasses not only the good and positive moments but the tough moments as well.

Therefore, I've decided to start posting again.

I have learned a lot since moving back to Florida in March. The biggest being that positive changes in life can also cause high levels of anxiety and stress, which I have to be prepared for just as I would prepare for tumultuous changes. Upon moving home, I promptly started a new job, moved into my own apartment, adopted a dog, and bought a new car.
All very wonderful and exciting new challenges to take on. But challenges, nonetheless. Challenges that I was not necessarily prepared for.

At the end of July I started talking to/seeing a guy, which I haven't had experience with in years. After feeling like we really had a connection going and finally starting to feel at ease with him, myself, and my past history, he stopped talking to me completely, leaving me with a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts to deal with and old tapes that resurfaced to play over and over in my mind.

I say that this was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

I had been able to hold it together for the most part up until August, and that is when things started to unravel. I slipped with the eating disorder, and what started as a slip that I was able to easily excuse away, because a string of slips. That string of slips with one particular behavior soon turned into slipping with other behaviors. Before I think I even realized it, my "slip" had become a relapse.

And that brings me to today.

I have had to face the facts. My team wants me inpatient but for once, I'm trying to fight for myself and fight to make the necessary changes on an outpatient basis. I realize the pro's and con's to both options, but feel like I need to at least give this a shot. It has been amazingly difficult thus far, but I am not giving up. I've increased my therapy sessions to twice a week, see my dietitian once a week, go to a group once a week, and see my MD once a week, as well as have weekly labs done. I have made a plan with my dietitian to take in more calories and reduce the frequency of my behaviors and feel committed to make the changes we have discussed.

An eating disorder does not make my life more manageable. An eating disorder does not keep me safe. An eating disorder does not purify me. An eating disorder does not provide me with worth. An eating disorder is not going to be my only future. An eating disorder is not all I am capable of. An eating disorder does not protect me.

Nourishment, existence, and life will help me to achieve all of those things. I have to continue to challenge all the lies that the eating disorder feeds me on a continual basis. I've challenged them before and have to continue to fight them when they resurface. I know what exacerbates them and I'm learning how to be more prepared.

I can do this, and I will. I am more.