the big black hole...

i'm really struggling with the depression right now.
it's like, no matter what i do the depression is still there, rearing its ugly head and encompassing me in total despair. i talked to the therapist (who i will NOT be seeing anymore) about it yesterday and she tried to tell me that it was all basically environmental.
FALSE.
i have a very biological case of depression, and have since I was a child.
that being said, yes environment plays a role in it, but the depression won't and has yet to disappear even after making all the environmental changes possible. i get frustrated when people say things like, "well, if you just quit focusing on the negative, your body, your future, your depression will go away." it won't.
i also get frustrated because it will seem like everything is going along fine, all hunky-dory, and then BAMM. it hits me like a stack of bricks. my lows just get so very low, and come out of the blue. there is no predicting, no calculating or planning. i just have to deal with them as they hit.
i know my underlying feelings of loneliness and isolation are definitely playing a role in exaccerbating the depression, but are not the sole causes of the depression.
boo.
depression sucks.
not only does it suck in general, but it sucks the life right out of you. of me.
i go to the psychatrist on the 15th...maybe we can work together to fix all this.

behaviorally, i'm struggling some - to be honest with myself and with you.
no, i'm not in any danger but am trying to deal with things and get going in the right direction again.
we'll see how it all goes.

now, for my newest life dilemmas.
i really want to take a trip to tulsa and visit everyone, which costs money, unfortunately.
my mom and i are also thinking of taking a girls trip up north, to the new england area...also money.
and lastly, i want to invest in a new (well, new to me) car sometime soon, because buying gas for my huge truck/suv is sucking me dry. LOTS of money.
so i could probably swing doing all three of those things, but i have another investment that I am interested in.
i am considering applying to the international mission board to do a 4 month mission assignment in France, from Aug. to December. the only cost to me would be 3,500 and then whatever i would need for extra expenditures...housing, airfare, meals, travel, etc. is included in the 3,500 plus the lottie moon funds. I would have to raise some money, but i would have that money by august.
I don't even know if they would accept me yet, but i am keeping that opportunity on the radar.

so, i'm trying to decide if i really want to visit tulsa in april, or if i should wait until maybe august, after summer school is over. i miss everyone so much, and feel so separated and lonely here, but i don't know...maybe it's easier if i just wait to go visit.
we'll see.

anyway, that's about it for now...may update later.
<3 LB