sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...

I had a breakdown wednesday night.
It wasn't the first breakdown i've ever had but it was definitely the first in quite some time. In fact, I don't think that I have cried like that since my first weekend inpatient back in May of 2010. I do such a fabulous job of hiding my feelings, avoiding, ignoring, and vigilantly shoving them back from the brink of my eyelids when the tears start to come against my will. I learned to shut off my emotions when i was very young, and have had years and years to perfect the art.
Yet wednesday, I simply could not hold them back. It started with a tear, and that was that. I cried so hard i found it almost impossible to catch my breath.
I cried for the lost years.
I cried for the emptiness that i feel.
I grieved the loss of Tulsa, my friends, but moreso what all of that represented...the loss of my eating disorder.
I cried because I still don't feel whole, fulfilled, or revived.
I cried for the disappointment I was feeling.
I cried for my loss of innocence.
I cried for a lost childhood.
I cried because, against all of my irrational logic, it seemed to be the only thing that would bring peace.
After I had cried all I could cry and the well was dry, I talked.
Talking, reaching out, does not come easily to me. I struggle with putting aside my pride and ideals of how I should be. Yet every so often, I can do it. And always end up feeling rewarded.
This was particularly hard for me because I reached out my mother.
Living under their roof has been hard and I don't like to outwardly struggle when around my parents because I know that they hurt when i hurt.
But I let her know.
As we spent time talking, and surprise - more crying, I began to tell her how I truly felt. One of the things I have been struggling with is knowing that doing recovery is the right thing to do, yet everything about it feels so wrong. Being in my weight range feels wrong. Eating, especially eating 5 times a day, feels wrong. Not constantly being in the gym feels wrong. It all feels so wrong, yet I know that it is the healthy choice for me, and a necessary one at that. Everyone keeps telling me that in time it will begin to feel more normal, in time my depression will lessen, in time i will adjust to my new body. In time things will get better.
I truly do believe what they are saying, but I am an instant gratification kind of girl and patience, well, patience is certainly not MY virtue. Sitting with the thoughts and feelings does not come naturally, as I am sure is the case for a lot of people. So how do I learn to be patient in this recovery process? How do i learn to be okay with the fact that things aren't okay right now?
Why is it that the hardest thing and the right thing are indeed the same more times than not.
I suppose if it were easy it wouldn't mean as much.
I suppose it is all a learning process...a sort of trial and error experiment.
I suppose it's time to sit and wait to see what the outcome will be.

I had a breakdown,
only to have a breakthrough.
I guess that is the best way to do it.

hope everyone has a great weekend <3
LB