making up for lost time...

wow, i have had a total lack of motivation to do much of anything, much less to blog.
yet, i know that i should, as it tends to be a good outlet for me.

quick life update - i quit my job a week and a half ago in hopes of finding a different one that was better suited for me, but have had absolutely no luck getting any bites. i've filled out countless applications and still, nothing. sometimes i think i am overqualified for the part time jobs i am wanting. i know, someone my age should have a full time job or career, but i am trying to take it easy until i start back to school in an intense program. plus, i do need to pace myself and not get too overwhlemed because i am still in a relatively fragile state of mind.
i finally got back on an antidepressant and that has made a world of difference. and i actually like my psychiatrist, too. still haven't told him about the ed but hey, that can come later.
i spent this past saturday night in the emergency room...thought i had appendicitis, but they ruled that out. then they thought i had a cyst on my ovary that had burst but they ruled that out, as well. turns out, besides probably having endometriosis, i have what is considered to be a colon on the verge of being a cathartic colon. the years of consistent laxative abuse has actually damaged the physical nature of the colon and interfered with the nerve conductions that cause the colon to contract and push things through. i have to follow up with a GI doctor in the 18th of april. It is kind of scary to think about the fact that i have done some very real long term damage to my body that may not be so easily reversed just by resuming a normal eating regimine. I always thought that i was invincible and nothing bad would ever happen, but it has and it is continuing to do so.
which leads me into the recovery nitty-gritty.
i'm struggling some. i'm not going to go into the details of how or what, but i'm just putting it out there that i am. and here is what i am doing to combat those slips...

-actively involved in an outpatient group
-being totally honest with my dietitian
-reaching out to friends that i know i can trust
-working to not isolate myself
-journaling and doing some workbooks
-spending time in the Word
-currently reading an inspirational book
-making sure i get out and get active to help with the depression

i think it is important, for me, to acknowledge when i am struggling so i know that i have that added accountability, but i also want to note the ways in which i am continually fighting so as not to fall into that defeatist trap i so easily can find myself in.
i also think it is important to acknowledge what positives i am experiencing...

-my dad has a new job so we get to spend more time together
-i got accepted to our local college to take some courses this summer, now all i need is to get the classes
-they opened up a froyo joint on my side of town ;)
-i have friends and family that love and care about me
-i finally have an antidepressant that works for me
-i get to take a trip to boston and maine with my mom in a month!
-i have two presh pupsters that mean the world to me
-i found some delicious new yogurt today
-i have the physical ability to grow, thrive, function, and better my life

so, all in all, i'm well. i have my days, my weeks, my ups and downs, but i am sticking with it and hanging on for dear life.
that, my friends, is progress!
<3