what a long and exhausting two weeks it has been. i'm so sorry i haven't had a chance to update but i've been very busy working hard physically and emotionally and have frankly been too tired to communicate.
i am doing well.
i'm in the process of learning a lot about myself. it never ceases to amaze me how much i still can learn and discover about myself that i didn't already know. i'm learning that an eating disorder was my mechanism for living a "normal" life. afterall, no one can expect me to be extraordinary and overachieving (including myself) when i can barely make it through a day. so a challenge for me is to figure out how to live a normal life, without feeling like i have to produce, achieve, and continually strive for something greater, and do so without an eating disorder.
i'm also learning that i no longer have to hide behind surface level things like accessories and clothing to feel okay and secure. people tend to feel safer around me and appreciate me even more when i am "dressed down" and more accesible.
basically, i'm continuing to learn that there is more to life than an eating disorder and though i have very little experience without one, i can live life on life's terms.
i'm still coming to grips with the fact that where i think my body needs to be and where my team thinks my body needs to be are two totally different numbers. it is hard to accept that and do the work to get there, but i am surrendering a little more each day and doing the deal as best i can.
recovery is hard work, for those of you who don't know.
i also think recovery is a process that i will continue to have to be vigilant about throughout my life. i can't let my guard down or else i can let cracks form and the eating disorder slip back in.
i'm learning, working, breathing, sitting, eating, and figuring out how to be okay with just being okay. definitely a lot of work to do...no wonder i'm tired!
So great to hear an update from you LB. I am glad you are still fighting the fight. Surrendering and trusting your team is so hard but just keep reminding yourself that your way has not been working too well so might as well give the other idea a shot. Sounds like you have done a lot and learned so much again which is great to hear. You are beautiful so you do not need to hide behind accessories and clothes I agree.....You can dress up sometimes or do your hair if you are going out but you don't need to do it all the time because there is nothing to hide :) Viligance in recovery is necessary for many years but that is not to say that we will not be completely free one day....plus being viligant does not mean we are not free or recovered.....
ReplyDeleteYou can do this! So proud of you for continuing to learn and grow while you are there. Remember the good and health you felt while you were doing so well in recovery- I know it can be easy to remember the hardships and struggles more than the livelihood you felt but you achieved it before so you can do it again. Try to remember that life went on and you were beautiful at the weight your team wanted you at last time- it will be no different this time...sure body image and adjustments take a hell of a long time to resolve but you can't have life and ED. Ok done with my rambles!
Proud of you girlie. Sometimes sitting with ourselves is the hardest thing we can do--when we want to hide or run away or scream. I'm thinking of and praying for you, and I know you can do this <3
ReplyDeleteSo good to "hear" from you! You continue to impress me with your dedication to recovery, and to yourself. I know these past few weeks have been brutal, but just the fact that you keep looking for the light, the positives, the new way to see things, not only shows that you will beat this, but shows WHY you are so incredible!! Keep fighting hard and living harder<3
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