What if?

"Your life is a gift. Accept it, no matter how screwed up or painful it seems to be. Some things are going to work out as if they were destined to happen...as if they were just meant to be..."

What if?
What if I had made a different decision? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I had never experienced trauma? What if I had actually given recovery a try during my first stay in treatment? What if I had worked harder in outpatient? What if I had been born with a different temperment? What if I hadn't moved? What if I had moved sooner? What if I had chosen a different major? What if I had gotten accepted into a different graduate program? What if I hadn't done some of the things I have done in life that have gotten me to where I am today?
What if?
I spend so much time asking myself "what if?" but in the complete wrong context. Someone challenged my perception recently by asking me "What if the best is yet to come? What if your life was meant to turn out the way it has?"
Wow.
What if the best has yet to come? I waste all my time and energy in a state of mourning because I think I am a lost cause, yet the best could be waiting right around the corner for me. This is why I must continue to fight, even when I grow tired and hopeless. If I give up now, I might be giving up right before things get really, really good. I have to keep reminding myself of this because it is so easy to get stuck in the past and to get caught up in all of the "what ifs." I was watching Grey's last night (as always, ha) and it was an entire episode about what would have happened if decisions and life courses had been different and I got to thinking about what my life would look life if I had done things differently. I automatically assume that things would look so much better, but what if they would have looked even worse. I will never know because I am on the path I am on and there is nothing I can do differently to change that now, other than make healthier decisions from here on out and just enjoy the life I have, pain and struggles and all. After all, I only get one life, so I kind of have to accept it for what it is, find the beauty where I can, and deal with it the best I know how.
No, I am not always this optimistic, though I do try to be and have been in the past. I just felt very challenged in a good way by the difference in perspective and it forced me to think about things for a different standpoint. And of course the timing was impecable. I had just been talking about how I felt like I might never get out of this cycle of disorder and chaos and how I could only hope that the eating disorder would become a smaller part of my life, but hoping for it to go away completely was wishful thinking. I was talking about how I needed to lower my expectations of myself because I didn't think that I would ever actually recover. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to call myself "recovered" honestly, and lowering my expectations some probably is a good idea so as not to set myself up for complete failure if I do have a slip here and there, but hoping that I can soon say I am in solid recovery isn't dreaming too big, I don't think. At least I don't think it's too big of a dream anymore. I was on the verge of giving up on myself, and it was just the boost I needed.
Funny how the little things can go a long way.
What if I loosen my grasp a little, change my perspective on life, myself, recovery, and my future, and let a little hope live on?
What if I don't give up on myself and instead give recovery one more shot?
What if I believe in the seemingly impossible, and just see if I can make it happen?
What if life can (and will!) be better?

What if the best is yet to come?