recovery update

the process of recovery is not an easy one. it is not a glamourous process, nor is it fit for the faint of heart or the weak and fragile, i've decided. no, recovery takes an enormous amount of strength, courage, bravery, resiliency, and determination...so if one can actually obtain recovery then they are far from fragile, weak, or faint of heart.
reminding myself of this helps me see that i am, indeed, quite resilient and rather brave for continuing to "man up" and face my fears day after day, bite after bite, and refusing to give in. it isn't easy, but it is doable and will be worth it in the end.
i've been so bad at updating through this process. generally, by the time 9:00PM rolls around I am so exhausted from a very long and daunting day of programming that i have absolutely no energy to process, think, or write left in me. every bone in my body screams "BED!" so staying up long enough to take meds and eat snack is a challenge in and of itself. however, today is saturday and i just got back from our outing to get manicures and pedicures done so i thought i would take a minute and update.
in the past week, i moved from acute to residential and moved from the locked unit to the unlocked, much more home-like unit on the same campus. since being here, i've managed to challenge my rigidity and perfectionism in several ways: not wearing make up every day, dressing down, locking up my fancy glitzy clothes and accessories, and wearing my hair curly and in it's natural state more often than not. i've cried, been vulnerable, gotten angry, admitted when i've struggled and dealt with the urges that come along with the letting go process. i've had great days and not-so-great days. i've been non-compliant only to learn that the best way to go about things and the only way to really work on issues and recover is to be compliant.
this past week i finally realized that i can no longer play the roles of doctor, therapist, dietitian, and tech. i have to let go of the reins and loosen my grasp and let the doctors and nurses and therapists and dietitians be the doctors and nurses and therapists and dietitians, not me. they have degrees, i don't. afterall, it was my best thinking that got me here. i have struggled greatly with just trusting the process and trusting them with my body. i've struggled with believing that i need to be at a higher weight than where i am now and struggled with trusting that my idea of a neat and tidy short little stay isn't actually what is best for me.
but i am letting go.
finger by finger i am loosening my grasp and learning to trust.
it is incredibly frightening but i am doing it, nonetheless.

recovery is hard work.
it will most likely be hard work that i will need to be vigilant about for a long time.
but it is worth it.
I AM WORTH IT.

"Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" - J.K. Rowling