it's been a little while...
hm, where to begin?
i'll start with the day to day.
i'm currently jobless, even after filling out nearly 20 applications. the job market is awful right now! i've been doing some catering with my mom just to have a little extra income, but i'm ready to have a more steady schedule. laying around and doing nothing was great for the first week but i'm getting a little bored these days!
i registered for summer school and got both the classes i needed! i am so beyond excited to get back to school...it's been two years since i last took a class, and i've been missing it so much. i love the studying, paper writing, stress, and chaos of class. it makes me feel productive and alive :) i've always said i could be perfectly content being a career student!
i'm getting ready to go to boston with my mom for a girl's trip. i was a lot more excited until we got the bill from my ER visit, and i saw just how much money i cost my family with that one visit. i know things are tight right now, so i feel a little guilty spending money to go on a trip. i want to go, but i don't want to cause any extra financial stress. i've really been struggling with feeling guilty for all the medical bills and money spent for my care. tax season really opened my eyes to just how much my medical care totalled up to be, and i feel like quite a burden. i'm working on challenging this, but it's a core issue for me so it is definitely hard to change...
health wise, i'm having some obstacles. i've been having stomach issues lately, well all my life but moreso lately, and finally got in to see the GI doc on monday. he has several theories for possible diagnoses, so i am about to begin a slue of testing. this coming monday i have to do a lactulose breath test, which requires dietary prep the day before and day of...then, that friday i have a colonoscopy/endoscopy, which requires lots of dietary restrictions the days preceeding the test, and an intense laxative/colon cleansing regimen. needless to say, i'm pretty nervous about all of the obstacles i'm going to face. i've already experienced loss of appetite, stomach upset, nausea and such which has really messed with my head, so i'm a little worried this could throw a curve ball at my recovery. i have experienced a small amount of weight loss from all the medical stuff...part of me knows it is simply related to medical issues and isn't good nor bad, but then there is the part of me that still thinks it is definitely a good thing, and i should keep going. normally, i would deny that i still struggle with that voice, but i know that denying and hiding have gotten me nowhere in the past, so it's better to just confront it head on!
my mom has been really helpful throughout all of this, reminding me to eat even though i feel sick, asking me about my dietitian appointments, and helping me plan my meals before and after the tests. i know she is scared that i'm going to get sick again...honestly, i have a small amount of fear as well. i believe that a small amount of fear is actually healthy. it keeps me on my toes and vigilant. it keeps me working toward my end goal.
i'm just going to have to be extra cautious over the next few weeks!
other than that, things are going well. i went shopping and got my easter dress, and can't wait to sport it on sunday. i'm trying to find ways to get connected with others my age and get involved in the community. i really think that connection with others will help ease this deep, deep loneliness i feel in my heart. or at least i sure hope so!
well, that's about it! more to come tomorrow, and it will be more insightful. for now, i just wanted to update :)
xoxo, LB
EDIT"""
Last night i found myself crying as i was trying to go to sleep, as i do quite often these days. On nights like that, i tend to just talk to God, as it is the only way i am able to calm down. i just started talking without really knowing where i was going, and ended up begging Him to take all the broken pieces and put them back together again. Broken. i still feel broken somehow, like no matter how hard i try to fit all the pieces together, they just don't fit and there are gaps and holes and cracks. i found myself wondering if i had ever been whole, or if i've always been broken. i've felt broken and cracked and flawed for so long that feeling anything else seems foreign. yet i was reminded that i was once whole, and all the brokenness i feel and have felt for years is what continually brings me back to God. If i was whole and had it all together, would i be so inclined to have faith and hope? this goes for many areas of my life, not just with my spirituality. if things had been smooth sailing, would i be where i am today? yes, i still feel incomplete but i feel like i've picked up pieces of me along the way and managed to fit them back in in some chaotic, beautiful messy way. it's amazing how much the eating disorder has taken from my life. it has stripped me of any sense of safety, security, and wholeness. it makes me angry to think about that. i have continually found it hard to get "angry" at the eating disorder because i was usually still entrenched in it and it and i were intertwined. today, i find myself saying more and more frequently that i am ANGRY at it. Angry, but also wise enough to realize that the ugliness and awfulness of the eating disorder have taught me valuable life lessons that i may not have learned otherwise.
today, i was tired and didn't want to volunteer with children's choir. i felt like i didn't have anything to contribute and felt very inadequate...but i went because i had made a committment to go.
I received a special gift by going...a friend from out of town came to choir and brought her little girl, who was an absolute doll. watching her discover her surroundings, clap to the music, run around while looking back to make sure mom was still there...was, beautiful. it reminded me of the childlike faith and interest in my world, and how the best way to live is barefoot and unprepared.
i want to live barefoot and unprepared, and appreciate life.
today, i appreciate the beauty in life.
i love you, thanks for the update. i was wondering how you were. ;)
ReplyDeletei know it's soo hard to get a job these days, pretty much anywhere. so i think it's great that you'll be going back to school soon, so you don't have to flounder directionless for long if you still don't manage to find a job by then.
i should try talking to God..
Hang in there- you've only been looking for a new job for a bit over a month, am I right? Be patient with yourself and remind yourself that sometimes God WANTS us to wait and be patient so we lean on Him for strength.
ReplyDelete"Be patient, therefore, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. Behold, the farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it, until it gets the early and late rains. You too be patient; strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand." (James 5:7-8)
"And He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest a while." For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat." (Mark 6:31)
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
:)