be who you were meant to be...

I meet weekly with a wonderful woman from my church to have lunch, talk about life, and read through/discuss the book So Long, Insecurity, by Beth Moore. I chose the book because i felt it relevant to my life, and though i didn't know it at the time, relevant to hers as well. Our time together is rich and valued, as she has incredible wisdom and has been like a second mom to me for a long time. Each time we meet, we talk through the chapters we read throughout the week and exchange thoughts and ideas. It's amazing how another person's perspective can change the way i see things. I've felt really convicted throughout the process, as reading this book and chewing on ideas about insecurity have allowed me to see that my insecurities run so much deeper than how my surface looks and appears. Yes, all of my insecurity tends to manifest itself in my focus on my outward appearance, but that is not where it all begins. It begins with a deep-seated  feeling of inadequacy. I constantly wonder if i am enough, or if i am too much. I struggle with wondering where I fit in the world, what my purpose is, and what, if anything, i have to offer and contribute. Beth Moore states in the book that insecurity is, simply put, not secure. I can tell myself over and over that i am not insecure because i am strong-willed, extaverted, and "bubbly" but what a lie that is. Yes, i am all of those things and more, but a lot of times i find myself using my extraversion and humor to cover up the feelings underneath. When i first thought about the word insecure, and tried to picture someone insecure, i thought of someone meak, weak, soft spoken, reserved, and withdrawn. Silly me for thinking so narrow-mindedly! So many people, like myself, hide beneath big personalities in an attempt to disguise how small and insignificant they really feel. Isn't that ironic?
Today, I met with Mrs. Jill and we discussed the chapter that talked about our view of other people and how that relates to our insecurities. I found myself amongst the pages, clear as day. I think that if i can just change one thing in my life, make one thing better, that everything will be better. Has that ever proven true? No. I look at others and think, "they have everything...the looks, the personality, the finances, the career..." and fall ever so quickly into that ugly trap of comparing. Truth is, they most likely have their own set of issues and insecurities that no one knows about or can see unless they really know the person. I used to think that having the "perfect figure" would cure me of the mundane, miserable life i was living. Seriously? How could i honestly believe that being a size non-existent would suddenly cure my depression, provide me with a career, grant me a high-paying job? I still find myself thinking this from time to time but know better now. I'm also learning to change what i see as important things to have in life. Yes, I want to be financially stable with a career i enjoy, but i also want to be able to enjoy relationships with others, take time to nurture myself, and really experience life for all that it is. I also need to stop comparing. Comparing myself to others or even to where i think i should be, only increases my insecurity. We are not called to lead lives riddled with insecurity and self-doubt, rather we are called to live boldly, embrace life, love others, and be content.
I definitely didn't think, upon starting this book study, that it would have such a profound impact on the way i think about myself, others, and how i relate to the world. What a (pleasant) surprise!
Not to mention, it gives me an excuse to get out of the house!
So kids, the moral of the story is to start learning how to be comfortable with who you are and embrace all parts of yourself...and don't compare! the grass is, in fact, NOT always greener on the other side. And if it is, it's only because they have a lawn man ;)
love <3