television wisdom...

I was watching grey's anatomy reruns, like i do quite often these days, and came across the episode after george's death, when the staff at seattle grace had to begin the grieving process. i've seen this episode a thousand times, but something about it this time really made me stop and think. more than their experiences with grief, it was the substory of Clara, the girl who lost her leg in a boating accident, that brought me to tears. bare with me as i explain the subplot.

Clara came into the er, leg severed and in need of amputation after a boating accident. The news of her condition led her to sink into a deep depression and she simply gave up fighting. She was given a prosthetic leg and put into physical therapy. Her first physical therapy session was rough, and as she tried to take a step she fell backwards. She panicked and threw her hands up in surrender. She refused any more physical therapy and ceased to function. She was content with staying stuck, immobile, and depressed. After a long talk from one of the doctors, she decided to give walking one more try. It was painstaking, terrifying, time consuming, and frightening to have to take that first step and it took all her might and strength just to get her leg to move but once she got the leg to move and took her first step her whole demeanor changed. She felt, for the first time since losing her leg, a sense of hope.

Wow, can i relate or what? i think clara's story of physical recovery accurately represents my own recovery journey. in the beginning, i tried recovery, only to fall back almost immediately. instead of continuing to get up and try again, i just gave up. i became content with being stuck, immobile, and depressed. much like clara i couldn't see how things were ever going to get any better. it wasn't until i had a long talk with someone about my current state that i decided to give recovery one more try. it was painstaking, time consuming, terrifying, and frightening to take those first steps. i questioned my strength and ability to recovery, and had to muster up all the strength i had left in order to make the first move. it is amazing how quickly my mentality about life, recovery, and myself changed. i began to feel that sense of hope, and regained the ability to see a future without disease and destruction.
even though i am much farther along now, i still encounter those first steps, whether it be getting back up after i've slipped or challenging myself with something new. recovery is challenging, tiring, and often daunting, but i have to wonder sometimes if it were easy, would i be so inclined to stick with it? would it mean as much to me if recovery was like a walk in the park? my guess is no. i learn the best life lessons through the tough times. i also learn the most about my strength and capabilities when i am pushed to the limit.
Clara also went through an incredibly tough grieving process. i too, have gone through the grieving process. i still find myself in one of the five stages of grief from time to time. looking back at pictures, talking to people who are at different points than myself, and watching relationships i once had drift apart because we are both regaining health.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

i find this to be profound. wisdom from a televsion show...who would have guessed? the minute i think i am past the grief and have left it behind it starts over again. yet no matter how tough the journey and process may be, i always remember that day by day things get easier and one day, someday, i won't feel the hole in my heart anymore.
life is about getting up, learning to walk again, and holding onto hope.
simple concepts, incredibly hard things to do.
but never fool yourself into thinking that they are impossible tasks.
taking that risk to move forward, to will yourself to put one foot in front of the other, will show you just how strong you really are.
it has for me.
<3 LB