choices, chances, and changes...

I love this time of year.
Next to Christmas, Easter is my other favorite "holiday" though i consider it to be more of a season than anything. I am constantly reminded of the price that was paid for my freedom...for my life. If such a high price was paid to assure me new life, then why do i find it so difficult to let go of the old life? Why do i continue to live in bondage, rather than embrace freedom? No, i'm not nearly as chained as i was this time last year, but I still find my mind held captive by self-doubt, body image, feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Life was not meant to be lived in chains and shackles. It is meant to be lived free, unrestrained, and uninhibited by all the baggage of the past, the world, and doubts about the future. This is something I continually have to work on. It takes conscious effort to remind myself that I was given new life, a second chance, and I have to choose to live like I was called to live. The key word being "choose." I do believe there is some choice involved here. I can choose to listen to all the negative and old tapes that play over and over in my head or I can choose to turn my focus and attention elsewhere and stop the habitual pattern of self-abuse.
Choice has always been one of the hot topics in regards to the eating disorder. My family believed that the eating disorder was a choice and I believed I had no part in it. The more invested I became in my belief, the more hopeless I began to feel. No, I never woke up one morning and set out to develop an eating disorder. No, i did not ask for one. Yet, I did and still do have choices to make along the way that can either free me or trap me. Think about it. If we are set on believing that there is no choice involved in eating disorders, or any other addiction, then we don't stand a chance at anything changing. It is only when we begin to take responsibility and DO something different, can we begin to feel empowered. I have spent many years in the hopeless boat, believing that my life was nothing more than a sinking ship and I had no control. How miserable.
It is high time that I jump off that sinking ship into the life raft and paddle, as hard as i can, towards the shore.
This time of year reminds me of the hope I have and the possibility of complete freedom. No longer do I have to live like I did. I can embrace a new life, letting go of once was and learning to put one foot in front of the other until I make it through.
What will you choose? Will you take responsibility and try something different? I certainly hope so.
In love, LB