and nothing special happened, yet today was good.
for the majority of my life, i've struggled with black and white thinking. if something amazing happened then it was definitely a good day, but if something bad happened it was a horrible day. there was never any middle ground, any gray area for me. i've also struggled immensly with the monotony of life, and the mundane. i am a person that gets bored easily, and when i get bored i feel dissatisfied with myself and my life and then end up entrenched in very pessimistic thinking, or i tend to act impulsively to "spice things up." i've spent many therapy sessions working on this issue, yet i still find myself getting bored with life. i often find myself saying "i have nothing going for me" or "i'm almost 26 and should be doing something with my life." i say such things because i have this idea that i'm supposed to be doing spectacular and amazing things at this point in life, and need external stimulation to be happy. i can't even count how many times my mother has said to me, "leah beth, this is what 'life' is. life isn't always going to be exciting, in fact it usually isn't." of course, i would usually get frustrated and walk away, as that wasn't what i wanted to hear. but she was right. life isn't always going to be one big adventure and i have had to learn to accept the days that nothing really happens as okay days that are neither good nor bad. okay. i have such an issue with that word. in graduate school my professor/supervisor continually confronted me on the issue of simply being 'okay' as it played into my black and white thinking. he was also right. it all boils down to that pesky black and white thinking. even in recovery i find myself struggling with that simplistic way of thinking. so today, at the end of the day, being able to reflect back and simply accept that today was an okay day, even without anything exciting happening was kind of a big revelation.
i believe that i will soon be able to be okay with just being okay. i believe that one day i will find contentment with the mundane routine of things and be satisfied. i believe that i can be accepting of my life just the way it is, and be able to let go of the need for constant stimulation. i believe that an integral part of my recovery means just being okay...means learning to just.be.
I struggle with the same thinking. I've never heard it explained this way before-learning to just be. Thanks for putting into words what I cannot. <3
ReplyDeletewell, i'm glad it made some sense to you :)
ReplyDeletei always worry that i ramble so it's nice to know it actually means something.
Leah Beth
I have had that exact same conversation with my therapist so many times...both the black/white and the "okay" talk. I so hear you and so understand being ok with being ok...it's hard. But in the end, it's okay :) I love you!
ReplyDelete