from handcuffs to handlebars...

i've done my entire life backwards.
i used to hear people say that the childhood years were some of the most carefree years of one's life.
i beg to differ, at least in my case.
i spent the first three fourths of my life in bondage; locked inside a prison of self-hate, self-doubt, insecurity, inadequacy, fear, shame, and pain. i've struggled and fought with every ounce of strength and might to become freed. i've used up endless resources and years of my life attempting to escape from captivity.
i was essentially handcuffed to an entity that sucked the very life from me.
when people were learning how to expand their lives and venture out into the world and make something of themselves i was having to learn how to go back and do the basics: eat, sleep, cry, moderate, feel, exhibit self-control, and learn how to let go of control and have a little fun.
i and those on the other, more linear world tracks crossed paths briefly, in some pseudonormal time period i like to call college. i was learning to have a little fun, yet still stuck in a prison of my own. i was letting go of some control yet still hadn't mastered the art of exhibiting self-control. i appeared remotely sociable but still lacked some basic social skills. after college, i began moving backwards toward the basics again and they began moving forward towards the lives they had waiting for them and the great divide widened.
you see, doing things backwards is not a fun nor easy process. maybe i should have given that one a little more thought ;)
i finally found myself at the beginning, where i should have started way back when, but somehow skipped along a little too far. i found myself (with the help of many caring and incredibly patient professionals, friends, and family members ) learning how to eat, sleep, cry, moderate, feel, exhibit self-control, and learn how to let go of control and have a little fun. i was essentially learning how to ride a life bike at 25 years old. they said "grab the handlebars and go!" of course, they told me that you turn the handlebars to the right to actually go right and turn them to the left to go left and gave me guidance on how to navigate life's many twists and turns before sending me off with such cheery hip-hip-hoorays.
but i was free.
my hands were not restrained any longer and instead were controlling the handlebars of my life bicycle...getting me here and there, twisting and turning, going back and forth.
i've since learned that bikes, like cars, can make u-turns. not everything is going to go as planned and sometimes i have to back up and try a different path. i've also learned that getting cocky and trying to ride with no hands usually leads to me on the ground with skinned up knees, among other things.
so i did things backwards. does that mean i did them wrong? not necessarily. it may mean my path was a bit more challenging than most, but maybe i get the rare opportunity of enjoying adulthood instead of being burnt out by age 26. who knows...guess we will just have to wait and see :)