recovery is like a sticky trap...

recovery seems a lot like a sticky trap...you know, one of those glue papers that you lay in the corners of your house to catch mice on?
okay, just go with me here.

i went to grab my blanket off the floor today only to realize that it had fallen on top of a sticky trap we had laid down a few weeks back. i tried and tried to free the blanket but each time i would free a section and move on to the next, the previously freed section would get stuck again and it would be back to square one. i'd repeat the process, only to have more sections of the blanket become stuck to the trap. i became frustrated and decided to just cut off a whole section of my blanket instead of figure out a a way to get my blanket unstuck. i took the easy road out and just cut off the problem.
i tend to do this a lot in life. i will try and fix a problem, and give it all i've got, but just as i get one thing under control something else goes awry and i end up feeling like all of my hard work was wasted. i also feel like this from time to time in recovery. i will get the restricting and purging and under control only to realize i've replaced it with exercise. or i will get the self-harm under control only to realize i have become stuck in the eating disorder again...or vice versa. throw together any combination of issues however you'd like. just as i get unstuck in one area of life i find myself stuck in another area. i grow tired from constantly working so hard at trying to stay unstuck but when i become too tired to cope i just cut out the problem areas. i take the easy way out and give up, or give in, or stay in a constant state of denial (which i find amazing since i have SO much knowledge.) i find it ironic that when mice get stuck on a sticky trap and are left to stay stuck, they will starve to death. sound familiar? when i'm left stuck to chaos and disorder in my life without the help of others i would most likely self-destruct and eventually die. that is why a support network is so vital to my recovery. they help me free up certain areas while being careful not to fall in other areas of my life. i've had several moments lately when i thought to myself that my life would be so much better off if i just didn't see anyone or didn't have a team of professionals backing me up but i'm so wrong. you see, having someone help me become unstuck is usually a painful process, as it would be for the mouse stuck to the trap (if you wanted to free the sucker, that is.) it usually involves some ripping and tearing of my soul, some pulling of my conscious, and some degree of hurt. yet once freed, all of the pain it took to get there doesn't seem wasted or in vain...it seems worth it.
i know that relating recovery to a sticky mouse trap may seem way off base but it really does paint a fairly accurate picture of what recovery tends to look like for me. much like trying to pry my blanket from the grips of the trap only to have more blanket come in contact with the glue accidentally, i don't set out to fall back into old ways or habits. it just happens from time to time, and i have to figure out how i will choose to deal with it.
right now, i'm choosing to be upfront, honest, and real with my feelings and thoughts and attitudes.
right now, i'm choosing to do whatever it takes to stay unstuck and free.
right now, i'm choosing to NOT take the easy way out.
painful? yes.
worth it? absolutely.