tgisaturday...

tgisaturday.
yes, this is the end of my work week.
it has been one long, physically and emotionally exhausting week and i must say that i am very glad it is over. it has involved a lot of work hours, a roller coaster of emotions, a couple of rude and inappropriate comments and some medication changes to throw me off just enough that i don't feel exactly stable.
despite the craziness i am somehow, by the grace of God, still standing.
it always amazes me when i find myself still standing after i've had legitimate reason not to be. i guess that is what resiliency is all about.
anyway, let me back up a little bit and cover some ground not yet covered. i saw a new psychiatrist this past week and we changed up my medication a bit. she switched my sleeping medication from restoril back to ambien but i've been on restoril for so long that i'm having some rebound insomnia withdrawal effects that are stronger than my ambien so i haven't been sleeping this week. she also added to my regimen topomax, which i have been on before, but it is always hard to adjust to when first starting it. it makes me foggy but not tired, so i can't sleep but walk around in a haze for the first few days. all of the changes combined having me feeling out of my element to begin with, and then add to the mix the circumstantial stuff and i made for one very emotional, very teary girl this week.
not sure if i wrote about this already but i was in the process of sending transcripts to nursing schools so i requested an unofficial transcript from usm (where i went to grad school) be sent to me via email. i got the email and saw my transcript for the first time since withdrawing in the spring of 2009. southern had failed me in 2 courses that i took that semester. they shouldn't have failed me since i went through the proper channels to medically withdraw before the end of the semester. underneath the F's was a statement that said "incomplete completion time elapsed." this infuriated me. you see, when they forced me to withdraw and take long term time off they told me that i could come back after taking the time off, so i applied for readmission back in october of last year and they denied me, telling me to wait two more years and then reapply. well, waiting two more years would push me out of the time bracket i had to finish my degree. it was their polite way of saying "don't come back." they never even gave me a choice to finish those incompletes. they just failed me. my gpa went from a 3.8 to a 3.1 because of that .9 semester gpa. and to make matters worse, i already sent those transcripts out before i realized this. i'm going to try and dispute this, as it should show up as a withdraw and not a failure, but it just another thing that is more complicated than it has to be.
i get so tired of things being more complicated than they need to be.
i just want a break. i'd just like something to be easy for once.
so, two days after i find all of this out, the woman doing my risk assessment makes the comment about my body fat percentage. it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i cried myself to sleep that night. and last night.
i'm just discouraged, i suppose.
between the depression and the new medication side effect, my appetite is shot, but i'm eating regardless.
it's just a whole heck of a lot harder to do it. i keep reminding myself that not eating will only exacerbate the depression which will only blunt the appetite and start that vicious cycle that i so desperately want to avoid. but it does feel a lot harder to listen to my hunger and fullness cues when depressed.
i'm trying to make plans and get out of the house to do things besides work to get out of this funk. i need to make a plan to finish the nursing school applications and as much as i just want to avoid calling southern and disputing the f's all together, i have to...so i need to make a plan to do that as well.
my therapist is out of town for like two weeks and suggested i see one of my old treatment team members but i think i'm going to pass on that one. there is too much to try and rehash to someone who isn't up to date on my life and it seems more like a waste of time than anything. i do see my dietitian this week so at least i will have one professional visit this week.
i'm not giving up.
i've still got the fight in me.
i'm just tired and trying to find some energy somewhere, so if anyone has any extra to spare, send it my way ;)
hope y'all have a great weekend <3