it hit me (again) today just how close the deadlines for, well, everything are becoming.
my nutrition classes ends the first week of december so i have to have all of my school work done within the next two weeks. nursing deadlines start mid december and finish up mid january and i just now got my first full application complete. i'm getting stressed. really, really stressed.
i can't help but wonder why i procrastinate such huge decisions and deadlines and wait so long to get moving on things in my life that should be exciting and that i should anticipate. i was watching girl, interrupted last night for like the eighteenth time and happened to listen to a section of dialogue between susannah and her doctor in a totally different light.
(discussing her feelings of ambivilence)
Susanna: I'm ambivaIent. In fact, that's my new favourite word.
Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivaIence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Wick: If it's your favourite word, I wouId've...
Susanna: It means "I don't care." That's what it means.
Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. AmbivaIence suggests strong feeIings in opposition. The prefix, as in ambidextrous...means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour." The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: WiII I stay or wiII I go?
Wick: Am I sane or am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Wick: They can be, dear, for some.
Susanna: WeII, then, it's the wrong word.
Wick: No. I think it's perfect. "What worId is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worIds?" It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The choice of your Iife. How much wiII you induIge in your fIaws?
What are your fIaws? Are they fIaws? If you embrace them, wiII you commit yourseIf to hospitaI for Iife?
Big questions, big decisions. Not surprising you profess carelessness about them.
I often feel a sense of ambivilence when it comes to decision making. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed that I begin to take on an attitude of "i don't care." I've always described this as feeling ambivilent when in reality ambivilence is being torn, pulled in two different directions. The word still implies strong feelings. As was stated in the dialogue above, it probably is the correct word for me, as I do still have strong feelings...so strong they leave me feeling frozen. I'm just not sure I could put into words what those feelings are exactly. The part that really got to me though was at the very end. Big questions, big decisions...not surprising you profess carelessness about them. This could not describe me better. I feel like I should care more about getting everything done and having a plan for the future and knowing what I will be doing in the spring/summer but I don't. Maybe it is because I don't believe that I will actually obtain that future or get to where I want to be. I don't know if I can do it so I don't get my hopes up. Or maybe it is because I'm afraid of having something in my life that could potentially make me happy and fulfilled. Or what if the dreams and goals I'm moving towards don't make me feel fulfilled and aren't really what I want to be doing? Then what? The future scares me. Changing life directions at nearly 27 scares me. Feeling behind in life and very much alone on this path scares me. I'm living my life in fear of the future but also uncomfortable with the present so I'm not sure which direction I want to move or where I want to go from here. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward in some shape, form, or fashion and I can't seem to get things together enough to move anywhere, let alone in some kind of forward motion.
I really am trying to trust that there is a plan for my life and that everything happens for a reason but man, it just gets hard to keep the faith sometimes, you know? This past thursday marked one year from the date I got the letter telling me I would not be allowed to return to graduate school and finish my program. A year ago my entire life plan got thrown out the window and I was forced to choose something else to do. I'm not a big fan of major changes, and that was a big one. Here I am, one year later, still trying to figure out what to do now. I thought that therapy was my calling...the plan for my life. Apparently, it wasn't but you can see how I have some trust issues now in terms of a plan for my life and just going with the flow.
I guess right now I just feel like I don't have anything in my life I can feel very proud of or accomplished for. I'm so used to having something to mark my worth by...something to be proud of, whether that be school and grades or extracurriculars, or research efforts or a blooming social life. And I know that I shouldn't mark my worth by tangible measures, which I'm working on...just a hard pattern to change after doing so for so many years. I know that I'm doing the best I can, but it's hard to remember that sometimes.
Anyway, sorry for the negative nancy post! Think I just realized how close deadlines are and how completely unprepared I feel. I think it is time to start making some lists and prioritizing!
Hope everyone is well.
Much love.
LB, You ARE moving forwards. You are battling some difficult things, and you are prevailing. Even though sometimes in recovery, we can't point to having accomplished X, Y, and Z today and hold that up as something pretty and tangible and pride-worthy doesn't mean that we haven't done anything worthwhile. You are worthy just for being you, and your efforts are worthwhile because sometimes it's hard just getting up in the morning. Your journey is a meaningful one even if it's hard to sum up on a resume or an application. It's ever so easy to define yourself in terms of grades or other objective things like that, but where our worth lies is in something far deeper, something you have in you.
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayers your way girlie. <3 I know you can do this.