today i admitted to someone out loud that recovery is hard for me right now.
i tend to put on a happy face and tell people that things are great so as not to worry or disappoint or stress people out. i feel guilty if i cause people to worry, so i just avoid that. plus, i have way too much pride to let anyone close enough to me to know what is really going on in this crazy brain of mine. i am very good at hiding being a happy, perfect, put together facade. afterall, i've done it for most of my life. i was talking with my dietitian today about my frustrations regarding my stunted progress and my body not cooperating the way i'd like it to, and how my brain just isn't in a great place right now and i just blurted out "damn, this is just hard!" she just kind of laughed and said "yes, Leah Beth it is hard! doing this work outpatient is incredibly hard and you are 5 times more motivated than most. Imagine if you were someone with no motivation...it simply wouldn't work at all." we talked about how i've never really given it a try on an outpatient basis. yes, i've spent my fair share of time doing outpatient work but when i get to a certain point, a point i've already passed this time around, i just throw my hands up and say "i quit. i'm done trying." and let things go right on downhill without caring. it's different now. i care. i want things to be different and back to where they used to be. and i'm being given the chance to turn things around and get back to a point that i actually would be okay with...if i can just manage to get there.
we talked about areas of life that i may not realize are affecting me as much as they are, and how i can change some things around to help me out some. i laughed as i was describing how i go about my life. i live as if i'm living in new york city. not necessarily when i'm messing around the house but as soon as i step foot outside the house i'm a woman on a mission, even if it is just to go pick up something at the drugstore. i walk 90 miles an hour, like i'm going to be late when i'm actually perpetually early for everything, and i bolt and jet and dash from here to there. i'm not going to lie, this is an improvement from the depressed shuffle i used to strut...head down, staring at my feet as i shuffled along through molasses. now i just need to moderate. at work, i need to learn to utilize the chairs during down times. when i first started i was able to do this, but lately it just seems like a pain to sit, then stand, then sit, then stand...so i just stand for hours. but i'm going to be changing that starting friday when i go back to work. it's the little things that i have to look out for that tend to trip me up. things that i can justify and normalize but end up costing me. and i have to work on remembering that a meal plan is a minimum, not a maximum. i swear, it's like having to go back to the basics again. funny how quickly one can forget the things one learns.
on another note, i've been struggling with the depression a lot lately and really trying to look at what is behind some of the newfound blues. as i posted earlier, i have a hard time when i have nothing tangible to point to and say "hey, look at what i've accomplished and what i've done!" i think i know what the fear is behind all of that. when you take all of that away...all the school, all the success, all the studies and the labels and the grades and the long hours and late night cram sessions and endless hours of research all that is left behind is me. the question is, can i learn to love the me that is left behind when you strip all of that away? can i be okay with just being "normal?" will i like who i am when i don't have anything else? do i even know who i am aside from all of that? it really isn't a matter of losing the life path i was on (okay, so it is to some degree) but moreso it's about being afraid of what is going to be left behind. i know that most people are out there just doing the day to day and don't have anything super cool and neat to wow the world with, but it's kind of new to me to not have something big in my life. it's a life change i wasn't quite ready for. i hadn't quite figured out who i was yet. and now i have to re-evaulate and take a look at myself and decide if i'm going to like me or not, who i'm going to be, what i'm going to do. it's kind of scary, if you ask me. so i think that has me feeling some blues but moreso a lot of anxiety, i suppose. definitely doing some good work in therapy. and hey, i guess this is a good opportunity for discovery. maybe i'm having my "mid life crisis" at 26 and get to discover myself now rather than 40. can i get my new sports car now, too?
so anyway, that is kind of where i am at the moment.
i can do this. i will do this. i'm going back to the basics and doing what i know i can do because it's been done before. it is hard. hardest work i've done in a long time, but i also know that i'm a damn strong woman and i'm not a quitter. so i shall press on.
and on, and on, and on.
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