life, lessons, things learned...

people are not designed to be perfect.
the human race is a flawed and imperfect collection of beings thrown together, existing among each other and intertwining to create this thing we call life.
therefore, life is not perfect either.
oh the power of deductive reasoning.
yet somehow i manage to struggle immensely with this one aspect of living. i am not perfect. when i stop running around long enough to come to this realization time and time again i freeze up. my perfect plans and perfect dreams and perfect ideals fall apart and i am left with this: i am just me. i am all the messiness, the contradictions, the paradoxes, the mess ups, the mishaps, the victories, the stories, the scars, the memories, the tears, the fears, the setbacks and the progressions. i am a work in progress. i know that no great work is ever perfect, so why is it so difficult for me to admit when things aren't easy, or going as planned? why can i not set aside my pride long enough to say that i need a little support? i think it symbolizes a sense of defeat, a sense of imperfection, a loss of control.
loss of control. i think that greatly influencing my current state of mind. i feel like my well though out, perfectly formulated and calculated plans for my future fell apart and the new plans i have set in place seem to be so ambiguous and almost seemingly unattainable that i feel this overwhelming lack of control and fear that i will, in fact, be left with nothing to do in the near future. then what? i can't simply trust that my future is in good hands...Great Hands, in fact. no, that is just too much for me. i have to have an active part in it, know what is going on, fortune tell. simply put, i'm scared. so scared that i'm immobilized. i'm not doing much of anything to make my goals happen because i'm too afraid that they won't happen. contradictory much? i know it probably doesn't make sense but it does in my head. it is sort of like the fight or flight reaction. when faced with fear or a stressor one either takes action or freezes...i freeze, in most cases.
all of this stress surrounding my future plans and trying to take action and make things happen has me very, very anxious. my brain seems to race at about 210 mph and i can't seem to get much down time. i'd love a break from the mental chaos but i don't see one in the near future, unless of course i can actually get some of my to-do's to-done :)
i'm also working on trust, in several different aspects of my life. i'm working on trusting that i was, indeed, created with a plan and a purpose and that my life is not just spinning around in circles going nowhere fast. i have to hold fast to this belief otherwise i sink into a deep hopelessness incredibly fast and have a hard time coming back out. i'm also working on trusting that the path i'm trying to go in terms of nursing school is the right path for me at this point in time. as always, i'm working on trusting my team and listening to their recommendations even if they are hard and challenging recommendations and i don't always agree or see eye to eye. and i'm working on trusting and listening to my body and its needs and being more intuitive in terms of when to rest and when to go and when to do what.
i'm continually learning about myself, my life, my past, where i've come and where i'm going. i'm learning that i need people and cannot do recovery alone. i'm learning that it is okay to ask for help and it is okay to not always be okay. i'm learning that a bump in the road doesn't necessarily mean a relapse and i'm learning that i do, in fact, have the strength to get back up if i do fall down. i'm learning that communication is key and i'm learning that my faith is one surefire thing that always gives me strength. i'm learning how to be a responsible adult even when i don't always want to be and i'm learning how to take care of myself even if i don't always know how to. i'm learning how to live, even when it hurts.
and i'm learning that i shouldn't probably write after i've taken my night meds because i ramble, haha.
sleep well, all.
<3