"Your test can become your testimony."
Healing comes when we least expect it.
I've sat around, knees bruised from hitting the ground in prayer, waiting for the one miracle to happen, to suddenly occur.
When nothing happened and nothing changed I got so defeated and discouraged. I slowly lost all faith that things could ever be different for me, or that I would ever experience healing.
It wasn't until recently, when I had something happen that pushed me and made me so obstinent and stubborn (in a good way) that I began to experience healing.
I'm two weeks completely behavior free now, and my thoughts are more clear than they have been in a long time. I can eat what I want and make choices based on hunger/fullness cues. I also listen to my cravings and try my best to honor them. I still have body image issues and I'm still fighting each day because each day is a battle, but I don't spend 24 hours a day thinking, overthinking, thinking myself into a panic.
For once, I'm seeing that things actually CAN get better. When I finally let go, I got back control of my life.
It's refreshing to think about that concept, and control in that way. You have to give it up to get it back.
I'm going to forever be "in recovery." For me, that viewpoint clicks because it doesn't leave me any room to get lax with my recovery and forget that I can so easily fall back into old patterns if I'm not paying attention. I am excited, though, to be able to use my journey in whatever way I can, to spread awareness, help others, and continue the healing for myself.
I want my test to have become my ultimate testimony.
To the "anonymous" person slandering me on my blog, I will continue to delete your posts because you are not worth wasting any energy over. If I actually knew you I MIGHT care, but I don't...so I will delete.
ReplyDeleteLB, I love you. Prayers do get answered. (I had this creepy doll when I was little and she said "Dreams DO come true" in an eerily high-pitched voice. She was probably a serial killer doll but she had a point) Anyways, I'm so glad that you're finally seeing the results of all your hard work. And that you're remaining realistic about recovery being a lifelong process. And that doesn't have to be a depressing thing. I think that the battle of "in recovery" versus "recovered" for me is largely semantic past a certain point, you know? There will be a day where I am mostly secure and safe from ever slipping back into that world but even then, I will still have my memories and my painful emotions that trigger things and the occasional urge that, if followed, could lead me down a bad path and I will have to be vigilant against those. So it's definitely a lifelong endeavor but it isn't a lifelong WAR, you know? Like, it won't always be all-consuming the way it is now. And I like your sharing about your test becoming your testimony because I've actually joined up with a Celebrate Recovery community in Delaware over the past year. They're mostly older women who mostly deal with things other than eating disorders, but I have bonded with them immensely, and on 2/15, I will be sharing my testimony for the full group (women and men). I'm nervous, but it's what I need to do for me and to share how blessed I've been just by the friends and family and support I've had and how God and my faith have never left my side. ((So wish me luck with that, love))
ReplyDeleteAnyways, healing comes when you least expect it. I have found that some of the hardest blows actually forced the most growth out of me. So I hope that this growth is blossoming for you, too. You DESERVE abundant life. And I'm sure that once you are ready to share about all you've gone through and learned, you will help move mountains with that heart of yours. So strut past the naysayers and RECOVER ON!!!
Love you sweet girl <3 <3 <3
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ReplyDeleteIf you haven't noticed, I'm deleting your comments. I don't really care about the ignorant comments you are writing. I don't know you, so its no sweat off my back. Your opinion DOES not matter to me at all.
ReplyDeleteYou are ignorant because you're oblivious to the fact that laureate has liter given up on you.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know this how? How do you know more information than I do?
ReplyDeleteYou're lying to yourself and everyone you love. You'll never recover and you'll always be chronic. Your fake suicide attempt proves that.
ReplyDeleteYou look like a two year old with progeria.
ReplyDeleteWow,that was brilliant. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteJust being honest :)
DeleteIf you supposedly know me so well, tell me something that only someone I really know would happen to know about me. Otherwise, shut up.
ReplyDelete