chronic

"chronic."
i've believed i was chronic for a long time but i first had someone tell me face-to-face when i was at remuda. my psychiatric nurse practitioner was two steps away from transferring me to a state facility because she had run out of options and ideas and was frustrated with me. she proceeded to tell me that i was a chronic case and even handed me a paper with my treatment outlook statistics and it said my chances at recovery were fair to poor. she stamped me a failure before even giving me a chance, and i ran with that. i'm not saying she was a bad practitioner by any means, but i do think she hit a brick wall with me and let me know that which may not have been the best idea for someone who already believed, deep down, that something was inherently wrong and flawed and perpetually broken. it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy that i was unable to free myself from.
i found myself in therapy today still struggling with this belief of being chronic. when asked what my definition of chronic is, i found myself saying that chronic means "an inability to recover, an inability to let go, an inability to be free, an inability to live a relatively normal life, and being prone to relapse." she asked what it was that made me so supposedly prone to relapse and after some silent thought i came to the conclusion that recovery gets to a point where it becomes uncomfortable and unbearable. i'm not exactly sure what about it feels so uncomfortable besides the obvious physical aspects. my guess is that it starts to feel so free and so normalized that it feels almost unsafe to a degree. it feels uncontrolled and spontaneous and that all just feels so unfamiliar to me. and here i find myself back at square one...i have issues with needing to feel a sense of safety and that is one thing i feel when i am controlling my external environment. cliche? maybe. but true for me, i suppose.
anyway, we talked about my fear of making necessary changes that i know i need to be making because of what it means and what it's going to change. i've done it before, so i'm not really sure why it feels hard to do again yet it does. i guess that is the nature of it all. making the changes i need to make means facing a lot of fears, dealing with and confronting emotions, memories, thoughts, and feelings that i don't always want to acknowledge.
i'm awfully tired. fighting a daily battle for something that comes so naturally to other people (happiness/contentment, normalcy around food, body acceptance, reduced anxiety, healthy relationship with exercise etc) is exhausting and sometimes i wish i could just snap my fingers and make it all magically fall into place forever. but that is clearly not going to happen, so i guess i will just push on and keep going despite my current level of emotional and physical fatigue. i have faith that one day soon i will be at peace with myself and everything that entails.