two good days...

guess what?
i've had two really good days.
after meeting with my dietitian yesterday morning and coming clean about some things i needed to come clean about, we set some goals and i left feeling motivated to at least try some things differently, even if just for a day. i left her office, went straight on over to chipotle, got a veggie burrito bowl filled with all my favories, a side of chips and salsa and headed on to work in time to eat lunch before starting my shift. i even had a cookie later on for dessert. i really tried to not let it bother me and tried to keep my brain from obsessing over the food while at work and just let myself enjoy the fact that i had actually eaten a decent meal, and a meal that actually consisted of fast food. by the time night rolled around i was feeling a bit anxious about having consumed so much sodium but guess what?
i went to sleep and did not die.
i woke up this morning of normal, typical size, no excess puffiness or swelling or water weight like my brain had imagined and dreamed up and then stressed over all night long. i had survived the burrito bowl lunch.
so, i thought i would give it a try again today. i had lunch with a friend of mine at jason's deli and ordered what i was in the mood for, not what i was calculating up in my head. i got half of a delicious sandwich and half salad bar and actually put toppings on my salad without being afraid of over-topping the salad or pouring a microtsp too much dressing on. and i enjoyed every bite of my meal. i left feeling full and satisfied.
by the time i got home from work tonight i was hungry but not hungry enough for anything huge so i decided on the chipotle leftovers. there were a ton of leftovers so i didn't expect to eat it all, but i ended up eating it all. now that made me start to feel a little anxious. i knew it was more than i was actually hungry for and i knew that it was later in the evening and i had already eaten out once already today and my brain just took off running with all of that. i got scared. i felt overwhelmed as i threw away the finished, empty burrito bowl.
i knew i should be proud of myself because i actually needed the extra as i'm in an "energy crisis" as the dietitian called it yesterday but it is still hard to allow myself to go over, to eat over, to be okay with the concept of more when i am already dealing internally with feeling like i, myself and too much and not in need of more in any shape, form, or fashion.
i still have a lot of work to do and a long way to go until i can figure out how to be okay with just being enough or being just right. i have a really hard time with that one, and it tends to play out in my food, mainly. in fact, most of my core beliefs take physical form in my food and body. very little of the eating disorder is actually ABOUT the disorder of eating...it is about dysfunction of emotions and the chaos of eating all getting crisscrossed somewhere along the way. that is definitely some therapy work i need to be doing to process those deep thoughts, haha!
otherwise, the past two days have been better. been more compliant with activity recommendations, working on trying to be more compliant with the supplement recommendations, i'm using my chair more at work, laying more when it's cold outside and trying out some new foods that are a little more calorie dense to try and get extra energy in. it's a tough process, but one i'm continuing to try and do each day. it's definitely not easy, that much i can say is true. the harder i try to do things right, the worse i often end up feeling, at least at first.
i just have to jump this first hurdle - just high enough to get my momentum and speed going and then all the rest of the hurdles just become smaller and smaller bumps on the course of the run...easier and easier to fly over. i just have to conquer that first one somehow and i'm golden.