i heard someone recently use the term "feeding themselves" in regards to their meal plan and recovery and it really got me thinking. when did the simple act of feeding myself become such a challenge? not necessarily as big of a challenge now, at this moment in time, but in general when did the basic act of feeding myself, something i learned a long, long time ago how to do, become such an arduous task? was in when i began to try and use that task as my one and only means of control? was in when i used that basic act as my way of speaking to the world? was it when i decided that life would be simpler and more concrete if i just stopped doing so altogether? somewhere along the way things got twisted and turned upside down and something so basic and instinctual became so agonizing and painful and i can't quite figure out how to track back my steps and turn back those hands of time.
i wish i could.
oh, how i wish i could.
i wish that the simple act of feeding myself was so much easier than it actually is.
it just seems so basic. one picks up a fork and plunges it into their dish of choice, returns said fork to mouth, and proceeds to eat and digest. rinse and repeat. i mean, it's basic principle. it's rather uncomplicated if you really stop to think about it. i've heard so many girls in treatment say "oh, but i just CAN'T eat." that is so far from the truth. you can, indeed, eat. you possess the basic instincts and behaviors that allow you to do so. your body can physiologically move and lift and chew and you can do it. the problem lies in facing the fears that literally paralyze you and stop you from taking those steps and doing those tasks. and that is where i find myself getting caught from time to time. i get stuck in the paralyzing web of fear and loss of control and the crazy whatif's and unknowns. they leave me immobilized and unwilling to move or change or do the necessary.
then i get frustrated with myself because i remember how basic it is and how badly i want to just pick up the damn fork and push right on through and then i forget how hard it is to push through a brick wall of emotions with a plastic spork. needless to say, it is quite the battle.
i wish i could look at food and touch food and be around food and consume it without it controlling so much of my thoughts and time. granted, it takes up a lot less time than it used to, but it still occupies more time and space than i would like. and i know that the more and more i challenge the fears and beliefs and behaviors i have, the less space the obsessions and thoughts and fears will occupy. that is what keeps me going, that belief that in time, things can and will lessen and become more maneagable.
i just can't help but wonder sometimes how such basic life instincts and principles that come so naturally to others become such hard and tedious work for other people, people like me...
i guess there is no use getting stuck in all that wondering. it does no one any good.
i need to keep moving forward, figuring my way up out of here and how to make it through this little bump, this small little chapter of my life, and into a brand new chapter with a fresh new beginning. i'm ready to do some moving on...as rascal flatts so beautifully wrote "life has been patiently waiting for me..." and i believe that it has...been waiting....for me to be ready to jump in and embrace it for all that it has to offer. maybe now is a good time to try that out.
now for the fun part...where do i begin to jump into life? :)
I can totally relate. Lately, I just don't eat during the day because my son will only nap on me while I'm in my rocking chair. But I know that's probably a bit of an excuse... But it's odd how it becomes difficult to take care of yourself when you are so stressed with other things in your life. I think the hardest part about being new in "recovery" from an eating disorder is probably where you fear eating too much or eating too little. It really does help when you get rid of the scale and remember that NO, you won't starve, and that food can and will be there tomorrow. It makes portioning that much easier, and eating doesn't seem like a game of counting calories or exchanges or whatever.
ReplyDeleteSo glad i found your blog! We have a lot in common it seems.
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