it doesn't even feel like christmas.
i can hardly believe that it is only a week from today. apparently, i am not the only one who isn't quite in the holiday spirit yet, as evidenced by the lack of lighting on practically all of my neighbor's houses and the general laissez-faire attitude of several people i've encountered over the past week. there is just something about this year...it's like christmas snuck up on us.
it's true. this year seems to have flown by. i feel like i just woke up one day and it was december and i looked back and wondered where the days went. they seem to be going faster and faster and i can't help but wonder if i'm doing anything decent with them or making them worthwhile. i think that because i feel so stunted in life right now and in search of something meaningful to do with my life i also find myself wanting to stop time so that i don't end up just wasting my days away. the more days that pass the older i get, the less time i have, the harder it is to start over and start from scratch. i guess i just want to figure out what i am doing before another year comes and goes.
i'm sure that having some time off and some time to just work and do the day to day is exactly what i need right now. i'm sure it will give me the time i need to get my life together and get my health together and get my head screwed on straight before jumping into some new endeavor, yet i can't seem to simply be okay with the idea that it is enough for right now. i'm working really hard on accepting that i am enough, just me, without more education or more acclimations, or more titles. i see other people moving forward, getting married, going back to school for second and third degrees, graduating and getting career oriented jobs and it challenges the belief that i must do more and achieve more and obtain more. i guess this period of "down time" that i'm having in my life right now is teaching me that continually reaching and striving for more only keeps me preoccupied and distracted and focused externally, when maybe what i could use is a little time to just be still. who knows, maybe 2012 won't seem to fly by quite as fast as 2011 did if i'm really trying to be still and take care of myself.
speaking of taking care of myself, i am still working hard on making changes, little by little, and staying determined and motivated. i've been spending a lot of my down time working on crocheting a baby blanket for my nephew, which has really helped manage some of the anxiety. not going to lie, i'm kind of proud of how it's looking so far. i ran all over town yesterday trying to find more brown yarn and was unsuccessful, so i got the cream substitute and decided to stripe it...good substitution!
i'm counting down to saturday...ready for a break from work and a vacation from tulsa, even if it is only for threeish days...much needed time away. love it here but it gets old, haha.
well, long week ahead...better get some things done before it starts.
much love.
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