to be or not to be...

"to be or not to be...that is the question."

i think i finally understand this statement, at least in regards to my own life. hamlet poses this question beautifully, as he ponders life and death, which is nobler, which is easier, which is essentially better. he refers to being alive as "being." i've also pondered this question in much the same way. to be or not to be...to live or die? to fight or give up? to throw on my armour or bow out?

but now, i'm asking myself this question from a different perspective.
to be or not to be?
to be okay with who i am or not to be? to be okay with just being okay or not? to be okay with letting go of control or attempt to hold on with white knuckles? to be well or not be well? to be a nurse? or a journalist? or a therapist? or a screenwriter?
i'm asking myself this question in a very existential manner these days, and i feel like it's much harder to ask myself questions like this than it is to simply ask myself if i want to live or die. marya hornbacher phrased it beautifully in her book, "Wasted" when she said "If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live?” Choosing between two very black and white options has never been as difficult for me as having to choose between the vast and endless options that fall into the dreaded gray area. even when i thought i had figured out what i wanted to do, say nursing, there were still decisions to be made...what kind of nurse? what school? when to start? do i want to move after i just moved? how to pay for it? is this really what i feel called to do?
i don't have to ask myself as many of those questions anymore because nursing school fell through yesterday and it doesn't look like that is going to be an option for the upcoming year, at least. prerequsite requirements changed, letters of recommendation i thought got sent in didn't actually get sent in, courses i took that should have been accepted weren't going to be honored and i found out all last minute, too late to do anything before the application deadlines.
so i am back to the basic question.
to be or not to be?

where do i go from here?
who do i want to be?
where does my passion lie? what do i feel like i am called to do?
so many questions that remain unanswered and i feel so unsettled. i have ideas and leads but no concrete plans. i like concrete. it is solid, unmoving, unchanging, steady. i feel like i'm standing on quicksand, and the faster i run towards something i think might just work the more stuck i become. i need something steady in my life.

so the question now is not do i live or die? i've made that decision. though i feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness at the moment with nothing to look forward to, bowing out before the fight is even over just isn't an option. so now the choice is mine...how do i decide i want to live my life?