going fishing.

Tonight in group, a girl used an analogy that I found to be completely fitting for my current situation. She said she felt like she was a fishing pole that had been cast out and simply needed to be reeled in. Once she was reeled in she felt better about life and it seemed to make sense again.

I feel a lot like that fishing pole right now. I have been cast out in many aspects. I left treatment and moved back into my house, got a new job, and am having to learn to find support outside of just the eating disorder community. I also have this overwhelming desire to just be "normal" again. I often think that it should just happen overnight and with very little effort. I forget so easily just how long I was sick and how hard it is to climb out of that pit. It is far from an overnight process, and getting my life back is going to take a lot of work. All the times that I think I can handle things on my own, or eat mindfully (some people can, I know at this point in my recovery I cannot) or do a little extra activity because I have the time and it is what all my normal friends are doing, I cast my line out farther. I drift farther and farther away from the point of recovery, though I think at the time that I am getting closer to a recovered and normal life.

So sometimes, I need help reeling myself back in.
This looks different depending on the situation or scenario. Sometimes that means a swift kick in the butt from my therapist. Sometimes I need my therapist to tell me that I am taking steps but in the wrong direction, or I need to get my butt in gear and stop sleeping my days away to avoid dealing with life. Or I will start going off on a tangent about how my life is meaningless and I need to do something greater and bigger than my mediocre part time job and she will tell me, "Okay. So apply for school. What is stopping you? Do it." And she so easily makes the megasized life problem become something practical and doable.
Sometimes it means a reality check from my dietitian. I met with her today and told her that because I don't work until 3 most days I just don't set an alarm and sleep in. I mean, normal people sleep in and then get up and eat. She informed me that I can't do that. I need to set an alarm for breakfast, get up and eat it, and then I can go back to sleep if I so choose. Right now may not be the best time to start trying to do things like I used to do, or like I think everyone else in the world does.

It is ever so easy to get off course, or to cast a line wayyy out and let it drift off, to go with the analogy, and sometimes you just need someone to help reel yourself back in. I'm learning that I am better equipped to do it myself from time to time but occasionally, actually more often than not, I need to ask for some help.

If you have ever been fishing, you may know that like many other things, it takes practice, patience, and skill. Sounds a lot like recovery, right? I will continue to learn how to appropriately cast out and reel in, and ask for help when needed.