"who wants to rat out the ED?"
my hand does not go up. i hesitate as i think through my day, wondering if there is anything i should be talking about or what i could possibly rat out. some days, i come up with nothing as it has been a fairly successful day. other days, i have things to talk about, struggles i have faced throughout the hours i've encountered since waking. raising my hand, admitting my weaknesses, and talking does not come easily but it is pivotal to my recovery. it is something i have failed to do in the past. i'm really good at keeping secrets. in fact, i'd probably be the first person you'd want to tell if you had something you didn't want shared with the whole world. i know how to discern what is best kept unspoken. i learned early on how to keep things private and to myself. it served to protect me from time to time, but ultimately added fuel to the fire as it allowed things to exacerbate and get worse like a festering wound. if you were to ask me what i should have done differently, i'd tell you that i should have been more forthcoming with my struggles. when my therapist or my dietitian or my psychiatrist asked me how i was doing or if i was using behaviors i should have said yes instead of no. when they asked if i was feeling depressed i should have been honest instead of putting on a happy facade. i think it would have decreased the level of denial that i lived in and made me face reality a bit sooner than i chose to face it.
they say honesty and integrity are key factors in sustaining recovery. i don't know if that is for sure or not but i know that i am willing to give it a try. i started that process in programming when i decided that i was going to be more open with my feelings and thoughts. now that i am about to discharge it means that i have to be more honest about my urges, behaviors, and intents. it means talking about the good, the bad, and the ugly. it also means keeping not only my team in the loop but also my friends and family. afterall, my friends and family are the ones that talk to me and interact with me most so they need to be in the know.
being a woman of integrity isn't necessarily glamourous. it means that people may not always agree with me and i might get feedback i'm not always happy with. i might have an idea of what i can or can't do, should or shouldn't do, and my team might feel differently so it means i have to stop, think, and consider and then make a decision. i also can't be honest and be a people pleaser at the same time. i just don't think it works that way. i'm inevitably going to disappoint or let someone down at some point in time, as recovery is never perfect and there are going to be slips and setbacks from time to time, but not talking about those and trying to pretend like everything is A-OK got me into a really deep hole, so i simply cannot do that again...even if it means temporarily letting someone down by telling them the truth.
ultimately, my hope is that i can share the truth, that i am doing well, working hard, and kicking ass, time and time again. that my victories will become the topic of conversation more than my setbacks. that when i do lose my footing i can simply talk about it, reground myself, and move on. i believe this can and will and is beginning to happen.
and it all starts with a raised hand and a few spoken words of truth.
Hi LB- This entry really spoke to me. I feel like I am in a similar place of really trying to be open and honest with my team. I've always thought that I was pretty honest and pretty open- but I always omitted things that I thought were not "such a big deal" or "not important ENOUGH" to mention. I too, have decided to give this complete honesty and integrity and try. It is hard because it also keeps you accountable. Once you admit that you have used a behavior or have certain thoughts it holds you to a new level of accountability. Recovery is so much harder than being sick because even though you may still have the urges and those feelings you now have the wisdom and knowledge to do something different.
ReplyDeleteOf course there are our past experiences and traumas that have made us believe that keeping certain things a secret have been important and sometimes necessary for survival but part of recovery is unlearning those rules that have kept us sick. I guess I am rambling, but I just started to see a new therapist- which is a really difficult process within itself- and have just almost word vomited to her my thoughts and emotions right off the bat so that I cannot hide- I cannot give myself that leeway to let myself off the hook. If I truly want to be happy and beat this thing- I need to talk about the good, bad and ugly- and that goes WAY BEYOND eating disorder symptoms and thoughts. <3