i can't figure out what to write, but i know i need to write.
the feelings are piling up inside of me and i feel as if i might break.
i thought staying in tulsa was the right thing to do. i prayed that if i was supposed to stay here that i would get a job and if i wasn't then i wouldn't get a job. i got a job, so i stayed. now, my relationships are stressful, a part time job gives me a near panic attack because i have forgotten how to be an adult and have a job and function like a human being, and i'm so worried that i'm going to end up in a rut too soon after leaving. i want to believe that i will be immune to that but i'm realistic and know that it could happen.
i'm so sick of eating disorders. they annoy the shit out of me these days. it's like i don't want to hear about them or see them in the people i care about or view their public broadcasts all over facebook. i started a facebook housecleaning spree today because i got so frustrated. i'm so sick of eating disorders that i want to stop all of my outpatient appointments when i discharge from mag house this week. i know it may not be the smartest decision but i am just so tired of dealing with an eating disorder and talking about it and seeing it and hearing it and being surrounded by it. i just want to be normal again. i miss normal. then again, i don't even remember what normal actually looked like for me.
i'm at an uncomfortable place in life. i want to go on and do something with my life because i want to be able to fully support myself in the near future but i can't do much that i'm interested in with my bachelor's degree. i'd love to go back to school to either finish my degree or go back for a nursing degree but i'm getting some resistance regarding that area. i just want to be happy. okay, i'm not even asking for happy. i just want to feel okay. i want something i can feel proud of. yes, i. it's more of an internal thing. i want to know that i did something with my life, something meaningful and something worthwhile.
i guess i am still struggling with the whole not defining my worth through achievements and accomplishments thing.
and i'm transitioning back home in like 3 days. i'm totally excited about this, but there is a little anxiety looming about. it's been 5 months since i've lived at home so it will be an adjustment. i have to keep myself 100% accountable and i feel like i'm going to be doing a lot of it on my own.
really, i just want to be a self-sufficient adult and i never thought it would be this hard to get there. i've done really well with keeping a positive attitude about it all, but i just needed to be honest and open.
so yea, a lot of rambling but i just needed to get that all out.
amen, sister. i feel like i could have written this post. i am so COLOSSALLY frustrated with eating disorders. i'm on hiatus from seeing everyone but my therapist for six weeks and the people i work with don't know about my eating disorder, and while sometimes it's exhausting to have to pretend to be normal and withhold all the information that i feel makes me hopeless f-ed up, it's also a huge relief that i can act like a normal human being. but it's hard-- damn, it's hard. some days are good, others not so much.
ReplyDeleteand as far as self-sufficience, i know what you mean. i feel so "behind" in that area, but really that's just a judgment. both of us are as we should be. the standard we're judging ourselves by is an imaginary creation of our own minds. there's no benchmark job out there that when achieved marks success. success is getting out of bed in the morning when you don't want to, or following your meal plan when the thoughts in your head are screaming at you, or asking for help in a tough situation. and also, no one is truly self-sufficient. we're all dependent on other people, just for different things according to our different strengths and weaknesses. it's how society functions properly. if it were everyman for himself, we'd have to be our own doctors, our own lawyers, our own dentists, our own mailmen, and it would be impossible. we are not islands, and i think the fact that humans are social animals elevates us as creatures rather than bringing us down. so don't beat up on yourself for not achieving total independence-- it's not a realistic goal. you are learning and growing and changing, and that's amazing and deserves praise and pride.
sending love and prayers your way, sweet girl.