I refuse.

I refuse.
I refuse to let the scenery around me become the same old scenery.
I refuse to let the actions I take on a daily basis become the all too familiar actions I so easily fall prey to.
I refuse to let the behaviors of others give me permission to make decisions that aren't in my best interest.
I refuse to throw in the towel.
I refuse to lose this war.

I may not be doing all of this perfectly, or without faltering, but I am doing it with an ever stubborn fighting spirit. Things may feel the same but one thing is very different. I am getting angry much more often than I used to. Angry with eating disorders. In fact, I'm growing to hate them. I guess it is about time. Yet I am learning to use the anger I am feeling as motivation. Tonight I got angry as I found myself sitting in front of the full length mirror criticizing myself and berating myself for having "let myself go." I became angry that those negative and derogatory thoughts could so easily enter my mind and mess with my emotions. I also found myself feeling a bit bitter that both of my closest friends are off enjoying time with their significant others and doing so by being active while I sit around trying to figure out what the point of all this is. I got angry, mostly at the world. But then I made a decision to act, differently. I texted a friend that I haven't seen since entering treatment. I asked if we could set up dinner plans. I told her I needed time with people outside of the eating disorder world and voila! we have plans this week. And she said a friend of hers has been trying to get her to play volleyball on Sunday nights so she would introduce me and we could do that together to help me branch out. I used the anger as motivation to move and to act and had positive results.

If I am one thing, it is resilient. Somehow, I am still standing today. Some would say I am stubborn, others would say it is strong will. I say it is simply a deeply rooted desire to live that despite being masked by the illness, never completely goes away. I know that there is more to life than this. There has to be. So I will continue to fight and fall and get back up and fight until I can grasp the life I know is waiting for me.

I refuse to let go of my hope and dream of a life worth living.