it's all about doing the very thing you don't want to do...

i'm learning day in and day out that recovery is about doing the things that i least want to do.
for example, i've been struggling with body image lately so my first instinct is to cut back on my intake...but that isn't recovery. recovery is eating my meal plan. and it's not just about eating the meal plan for me, rather it means choosing foods that i want versus foods that i just think are safe. it is about going the extra mile to ensure that i will stay in recovery. along with the urge to cut back because i feel so uncomfortable in my skin is the desire to live my life in a pair of nike shorts and oversized t-shirts. on some days, that is perfectly acceptable, but when i am wearing my lounging clothes than actual outfits (and for those of you who know me know that wearing comfy clothes is a big red flag) then i know i have to do what i least want to do: put together a cute outfit, and fight that voice telling me that only certain people can wear cute clothes and look decent.
so today, i allowed mysef to make a delicious, well balanced breakfast, enjoy a snack that used to scare the heck out of me, and put on a pair of jeans, a top, a scarf, and cute shoes and venture out in public. it's amazing to me that even though doing the thing i don't want to do may be ridiculously hard initially, it really does make a difference. i went shopping this afternoon and maybe thought negatively about my body once or twice. what a drastic improvement from the 24/7 torment i constantly found myself in. i love to see the little improvements in my life. it really gives me the motivation to keep going and to keep pressing onward.

as for life in general, things are going well.
school has been a lifesaver and given me structure and schedule to my day. that is exactly what i was missing, and thus the restlessness that i was feeling is beginning to let up. now that i'm back in school, i'm on the serious hunt for nursing schools to apply to. my timeframe for doing so is getting smaller and smaller, so i'm trying to get started with the process. instate schools are looking sparce, but i'm applying to a few instate, and then some out of state. i'm looking at the hospitals around each school as well, to gauge where i'd be doing clinicals and possibly where i'd get a job after finishing school. i'm just so excited to be one step closer to my goal.
still no job. a lady called and left me a message about an application i put in 2 months back, stating that she wanted to set up an interview but when i called back i got no one and had to leave her a message. didn't hear from her the rest of thursday, so i called back friday morning (the last day of interviews) and still no answer. no one ever called me back. i got shafted. i was a little bummed but who knows, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. balancing a hectic school schedule and work and taking a vacation may be a little much. come august i will definitely need a job since i will be done with classes. my nest egg is dwindling down, and much too quick for my liking. i am doing some odd jobs such as house sitting and catering with my mom just to keep some sort of cash flow, but i'd like something a little more permanent.
other than that, things are pretty smooth sailing. it's nice to be able to appreciate the simplicity of life instead of always feeling like i have to have something going on or some crisis to be dealing with. i've become okay with the "just okay" days and i kind of like it :)

alright, off to go eat some hawaiian chicken...yummy.
love!
LB