“The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.”

i'm currently driving on the rumble strip.
you know, that strip of pavement on each side of the road that is really bumpy and the sole purpose is to wake you up or snap you back into focus when driving?
well, according to my dietitian, that is where i currently reside.
met with her today, after completing a week of her recommendations and meal plan adjustments, only to find out that i still wasn't headed in the right direction physically and in fact was headed even further in the wrong direction. i'm sure you can imagine a) my shock because none of that made sense (after all, i had done what was asked of me and was even bloated from martha monthly) and b) my disappointment and frustration that the hard work wasn't even beginning to pay off. we talked through the shock as she explained to me that my lifestyle has become much more active as well as the increase in the meal plan could have jumpstarted my metabolism and caused it to rev temporarily. so that makes sense, but i still felt disappointed with my body. as we were talking i got up the nerve to tell her how i felt leaving the prior session and how i thought everyone was so disappointed in me. i also expressed my confusion because when i came to speak at family week a month ago i got great feedback and everyone said i looked great, yet nothing drastic has changed physically and all of sudden i'm not okay. she first told me that she wasn't disappointed in me. she felt that i was trying and that we just needed to make adjustments to combat the increase in activity and lack of a fully supplied pantry. she told me that she somewhat expected there to be the rocky patch that comes with a big transition. and she told me that it was going to be neat to work with me on doing something i've never done - getting back up and pulling myself up while refusing to just let go and give in. she described it like riding on the rumble strip of the road. it took me a minute to even figure out what that was and what she meant with that analogy. i mean, rumble strip? i didn't even think about those...my mind has a tendency to go straight from road to ditch...no warning bumps involved. but i like that anaolgy because it challenges my perfectionistic thinking...and she was right. i've never actually TRIED to get back on track when i strayed. i always just found excuses and gave in. so the mere act of taking her advice and adjusting my meal plan was a big step for me. definitely not a comfortable one, but a step in the right direction, at least.
i really like my dietitian, but moreso how she challenges me and challenges my old thinking patterns. even if they aren't direct eating disordered thoughts that i'm dealing with, she challenges all the thinking that goes along with that like perfectionsim, catastrophizing, black and white thinking, etc. those are my real killer areas and they tend to get brushed over or pushed aside. being forced to deal with them and look at them is what really helps me to stay on track.
recovery isn't perfect.
recovery isn't perfect.
recovery isn't perfect.
i'm going to remind myself, and you, of that on a fairly routine basis. i've got to challenge my perfectionism, realize that gray area does indeed exist, and learn to deal with the middle ground...the messy middle ground.
now, on a totally random note - i started job training today! i felt so professional and grown up with my slacks and button down. i stopped to get gas this morning, with all of the other working professionals! this little girl is growing up ;)
<3