“Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.”

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained.”

Trust.
It's a tricky thing, and I tend to have issues with it. I can go all psychotherapist and say that these trust issues began way back when I was a child and my idea of trust and security was shattered, so why does it continue to haunt and plague me? Why do I continue to give my trust issues so much power? I think that trust and control go hand in hand for me. Afterall, you have to have trust to be able to let go of control and you have to let go of control in order to trust. I'm not one who can just let go of control and "go with the flow." I like to have a plan, a schedule, a set way of going about my life. I've tried to control just about every aspect of my life from my body to my emotions and even find myself still trying to control my future. Having a plan and controling my future are two very different things, though I find it difficult to see the gray area - having a plan but not being so rigid with my life in order to accomplish that plan. I am reminded of the cliche little phrase "just be" and even though I cringe at cliches because i've heard SO many of them throughout the 16 years of struggling and therapy, I do find truth in that statement. When I loosen my grasp on myself and my life and stop white-knuckling it, things seem to work themselves out. Yesterday, it seemed impossible to get the class I needed at Tulsa CC, and I found myself in despair just thinking about all those what-if possibilities...What if I can't get chemistry? Then I won't be able to apply to nursing school and i'll have to wait a whole year before I can start a program and then I'll be miserable and life will be pointless and I guess I'll just go eat worms kind of thinking. I also catastrophize very well, in case you haven't noticed. I prayed last night that somehow, I could get into a chemistry class so that my move to Tulsa wouldn't be a complete and utter failure. I was terrified of moving and then things not going as planned and a) be disappointed in myself and b) be viewed as a disappointment by others. My grandfather told me last night that he felt I was making a mistake by moving and even though I know he is simply concerned that I will revert back into old behaviors, I heard it differently and began to put undue pressure on myself. Making a mistake? I hate making decisions to begin with because the outcome is most often uncontrollable and unpredictable, and hate making the wrong decision even more. Needless to say, I went to bed last night discouraged and disappointed.
I woke up this morning and proceeded to write a not-so-nice email to Tulsa CC because I was pissed off. Afterwards, I started making a new plan. I began to research nursing schools that didn't require chemistry...I didn't find any. I grabbed my undergraduate transcripts to check other prereqs and saw that I had a course called Basic Chemical Principles that I HAD completed. All along, I had been thinking that I had lost all of my chem credits when I withdrew to go to treatment, and I was thinking that the schools I am interested in required a whole year of chemistry. Wrong and wrong! Turns out I meet requirements to several schools as is. Had I not gone through all of that last night and been discouraged and downcast, I probably wouldn't have taken a second look at my transcripts until later this fall! When I just let go of all the stress and all the worry, things actually do fall into place. Imagine that :)
Letting go is a process...and not an easy one, that's for sure. It requires a lot of tears and anxiety and worry and stress but in the end, letting go is the most freeing process. It eventually frees us of all that anxiety, stress, and worry. It leaves us open to new feelings, new experiences, and new adventures. Letting go requres trust, and a lot of it! It requires trusting that if I fall, life will catch me. If I make a wrong turn or decision, I can correct my path. It means trusting that I have a purpose and a plan.
For today, I am going to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. For today, I am going to loosen my grasp and let life play out exactly as it is meant to be. For today, I am going to trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.