It's funny how life can change so drastically in a very short year.
I spent the majority of the afternoon with a good friend I met while at Laureate. We bonded like not many do, and give each other such a sense of energy and happiness. As we talked over coffee and then milled around Utica Square, we reminisced about the funny moments we experienced during treatment and all the memories we had from those times together. We laughed about how we somehow managed to make a very sucky situation fun and lively. Our therapists and other staff may have been bordering on crazy by the time we both left, but I'd like to think we brought some life into a very dull treatment world. Though our energy level and ability to laugh and goof off has not changed, so much about each of us has changed and we are different people than we were a year ago. We both find ourselves learning how to be independent adults. We both desire a life outside of treatment. We both have an unspoken knowledge that we will never, ever end up in treatment again. How nice it is to share a zest for life with someone who walked along side you in your darkest times. I felt very inspired after spending the afternoon with her, as we both confirmed our love for food, ourselves, and life in general. It hasn't been easy getting to where I am, or she is, today. We've both encountered tremendous struggles, triumphs, setbacks, and forward motion. I love hearing from other women I was in treatment with about their victories in overcoming this awful disease. It renews in me a sense of hope, that there is a reason and purpose for recovering, and that there is an "out." I've thought for over a decade that I'd never escape the throes of an eating disorder. That I'd always be flawed and tainted. I had given up hope that I'd ever actually be free. This afternoon, spending time with someone else who has battled and is winning, made me feel strong again...made me feel hopeful. We were joking and talking about how awesome it is going to be to be friends in the "real world" and not just tied to treatment. We have so much more fullness and richness to our lives now that we can share with each other. I'm so excited to get to spend more time with her, as we have lots of plans for the future (but that is totally our personalities!). Biking to the farmer's market, coffee dates, opening our own booth at the flea market, and just hanging out are a few of the to-do's on our list.
I love that I can have relationships on a totally different level now that I am practicing recovery. I can actually be present and experience them as they are meant to be experienced. I can laugh from the heart, a true laughter, and be real. I can do so many things now that I never thought I'd be able to do again.
I have my days when recovery seems daunting and more like a chore than something I really want. I have my days when things don't always go perfect or smooth, and I contemplate making unhealthy decisions. But I don't. I cannot let myself because I know if I do, I won't be able to pull myself out of that rut. I simply know that going back, to those dark days, is just not an option anymore. I have too much I want to do with my life, goals for the future, and a drive, to let myself sink back into that hollowness.
For the first time in a long time, I want to live. I want to experience the world firsthand, and I want to be free. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I'm so glad I didn't give up the fight. It is so worth every minute of it.
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