1-800-wake up call

I found myself in kind of a funk from the time I woke up. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was some residual sleeping pill effects, or maybe it was just the reality that I actually live here, on my own, finally sinking in. Not really sure what the cause, but I kind of remained in that funk all day.
I know things will look a lot brighter next week when I start training for my job. I'm definitely glad I will have some structure to my days. This whole sitting around thing sounds fun in theory, but really kind of blows, haha.
I had a dietitian appointment with Leah today. She had me log all of my food and exercise for the past week to share with her today. Of course, any type of food journaling is basically the bane of my existence. It's a lose-lose situation for me, personally. Anway, I obliged and followed through with the committment I had made. I went to the appointment honestly thinking that everything was great, as I have been doing the same things to a T that I was doing with my dietitian back home. I was eating the same amount, exercising for the same length of time/number of days as my old dietitian had been aware of, so I had no reason to think differently. Also, my dietitian at home had been keeping up with my weight and expressed no concerns. In fact, she told me that she felt my body was finally settling at its set point. Great, right? Wrong.
I got blindsided.
Leah proceeded to inform me that my weight is not where it should be. Though not far off, she wants me to trend upward for a short time to make sure I stay in a safe zone. Understandable. Yet the idea of adding on and trending upward caused some momentary panic. I am finally getting comfortable in my skin, and actually starting to like my body. I have been stable weight wise for a while now, and feel strong and healthy. I can work, go to school, socialize with friends, and be active, so why the need to change a situation that is currently going well? I get where she is coming from and trust her, so I am following recommendations that were made, but it is just hard to wrap my mind around that one. And that is what it really boils down to. The whole battle has been much more a mental battle than physical. Yes, the physical aspect was painfully hard and even harder to overcome, but the mental battle has always felt like trying to change the impossible.
As I left her office today, I got to thinking about why I had so many feelings arise during our session. Yes, I hate change. Yes, I felt blindsided with information that I didn't realize and know. Yes, I felt scared of the implications. But really, I mostly felt embarrassed and slightly disappointed after the session. I felt embarrassed that I wasn't where I needed to be and left wondering what people were thinking or how they viewed me knowing that information, and I felt disappointed that I had become so lax with my recovery. Though still very much in recovery, a while back I began to tell myself that I was over all of this, that I had everything under control, and that I no longer had an eating disorder. For some people, this may be the case, but for me at this point in time, I still have to consider myself to be IN recovery, working actively to maintain my current status and health. I have to continue to be vigilant about resisting urges, maintaining my weight, keeping my exercise to a healthy and moderate level, and making sure that I continue doing the emotional work that underlines all of the above. I have a plan now, and I intend to use it!
Though today was painful and a bit embarrassing, it did give me a fresh perspective on things, a slight kick in the butt, and the reminder that I didn't get sick overnight so naturally, recovery is going to be a process, too. I don't consider the information I received today to be a slip or bump as I am still actively working on recovery...I consider it to be more of a wake up call, I suppose. A good one. A motivating one. A necessary one that reminded me that recovery takes active work, so I best not get lazy and let things slide!
The night ended on a positive note. I got to see an old friend and spend a little time with her, after having eaten froyo with another friend. Now, I'm ready for that nice, cozy bed!
sweet dreams :)