just a little update...

i'm back from the living dead.
i've honestly not had much energy or motivation to write or do much of anything the past couple of weeks, so i thought while i had the time and a little dose of energy i'd update on how life is looking these days.

work is going well. it is still busy as ever, and i'm working more of a full time schedule than a part time schedule like i had signed up for, but i need the hours so i can't really complain. i'm just not left with a lot of time to do much of anything else with my day which leaves me feeling stressed and scrambling around for minutes in the day to get other things done. i've decided that the job itself is not one that suits a perfectionist like me well, because it is inevitable that i will make mistakes throughout the day and forget to do something or post something or have something signed. it's also not a job well suited to people pleasers, as customers are often times grumpy and obstinent, especially when it comes to asking for ID's to give them cash back! who would have guessed they'd get pissy because we are trying to protect them? anyway, i get yelled at at least once a day by rude and ungrateful customers and generally just have to stand there and take it while holding back tears. hey, i guess i'm learning how to grow thicker skin, right?

still working on nursing applications. i feel like these applications are the applications from hell, for some reason. i can't remember if i posted or not about my graduate school screwing me and leaving me with F's in two of the classes i medically withdrew from back in 2009, but i finally got around to sending an e-mail to the dean of the graduate school stating that i didn't think it was at all fair that i received F's since my withdraw had nothing whatsoever to do with my academic goodstanding and that i also didn't think it was fair that i was not allowed to return and finish my degree. i also stated in the e-mail that i was fully prepared to move up the academic chain of command if needed, though i hoped it wouldn't need to come to that. she got back to me a week later saying she had forwarded my e-mail to my old grad faculty to see what my options were. basically, she just forwarded my e-mail into a big black hole, since they have been completely unresponsive to me since they kicked me out in 2009. i'm beyond frustrated because i worked so hard to maintain that almost 3.9 gpa, and let me tell you, a 3.9 in grad school is tough stuff! this is delaying me from getting applications complete and sent in and i'm so irritated. so yea, i'm still having to deal with professors and people and crap from the past, unfortunately. hopefully this part of the process will be over and done with soon.

recovery wise, i'm hanging in there. this past week has been a bit better. before this past week, i was just struggling with depression to the point where everything felt mechanical and forced and harder than it should be. i had little motivation and a very high level of frustration. not to mention a very low appetite. i've done better this week with my meal plan, so hopefully i will see some improvement with my weight, too. it's hard to combat the anxiety level that happens to be through the roof right now. my internal engine is racing and i can't get it to slow down long enough to hold on to anything i'm giving it. but the anxiety has been somewhat better this week and i've been able to be more social and less isolating this week as well, so i think that will help the overall picture. i was able to have lunch with my old therapist and get back in with my current therapist to talk about some of the craziness that has been going on and get it out of my head. i made some plans to get things done and stop procrastinating. i figured out how i want to go about moving forward with my life and i think i can do it. i'm trying to get unstuck, as hard as that may be and hoping, with all hope that lay within me, that i have the capacity to do so.