denial aint just a river...

We deny we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces."
denial is such an easy trap to fall into for so many of us that struggle. what amazes me is that i can still manage to fall into the trap of denial after so many years of dealing with the same struggles. i guess that is what makes an eating disorder so sneaky, cunning, deceiving, and addicting. i am finally realizing that maybe i don't have everything perfectly under my control like i would like to believe.
i was talking with my dietitian this past week and she described it perfectly. she said that one can be on the brink of psychosis in the area of the eating disorder yet have all other areas of their life functioning well and going smoothly, or even going exceptionally well, which makes it that much easier to convince oneself that the particular area of struggle where one might be able to fall off the edge of the cliff is then not such a big deal, because after all, how could it be if everything else is going so well?
this is exactly the trap i have fallen into.
i have convinced myself that because my social life is on par and my job is going well (minus just not loving what i do, haha) and i'm succeeding as a teller, and i'm beginning to think about my future again, that the little ol' eating disorder really isn't that big of a deal and doesn't really deserve much attention or focus or time or energy or effort. when people ask me how i am doing i answer honestly with a "great" or "fine" or "i'm doing really well, thanks." i don't believe i'm lying or being deceptive. i honestly believe it when i say i'm doing well because so many other areas of life are going well, according to society's definition of well. because i am functioning to the degree i am functioning in all other areas of life, i think i have convinced myself as well as others that i'm doing alright. and i think because i struggle so much with body distortion issues that my struggles aren't visible (because i don't notice a change in myself) so why delve into what is really going on in my head and in my heart if i don't have to.
it all just makes it much easier to stay in a state of denial.
i go back and forth between realizing that i'm not technically okay until ALL areas of my life are going okay and thinking that majority rules and i'm totally okay so long as most of my life looks good. i guess it is the battle between rational and irrational that begins to take place...that mental fissure in the brain that forms
when one begins to teeter.
despite the fact that i have spent the majority of recent sessions with my team members minimizing and justifying and rationalizing, i am still going to appointments and listening to suggestions and taking in information that they are sharing with me. i may be someone obstinent right now, or rather just stuck in a belief system that doesn't fit with theirs, but i'm willing to listen and possibly change my own set of beliefs given enough evidence and rational information. i am continuing to do the work despite my own thoughts and feelings. i don't know that i would have been able to say that a year or two ago. i think that shows some progress on my part that i can recognize.
my therapist said something in session on tuesday that hit me like a brick. she said "it really isn't a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of will or won't." i think that struck me so hard for a couple reasons. the first being that she was partly right. yes, i did just acknowledge that someone else may be clued in to my life and may know me better than i know myself at this point in time, haha. but it also made me really stop to think about that. though i do tend to agree with that and can see where i have times that it does boil down to making a simple choice, there are other times when it really is about can or can't. i know people have different feelings on this and they may argue this, but i'm saying it anyway. there are what i like to call "autopilot" moments when the brain takes over and it is virtually impossible to either take action or stop mid-action. i
i think evaluating what kind of moments i have most (either the can/can't or will/won't) gives me better insight into where i really stand with things and helps me gain perspective on my place in recovery. it helps snap me out of some of the denial and actually take a look at things. though i was incredibly pissed at her in that moment for challenging me with that statement, i can now see the benefit in her words.
and i'm grateful for challenges like that and a therapist who is willing to go there, even if i don't always act like it ;)

anyway, denial is a funny thing. ironic how it can get you when you think you already know everything there is to know and there is no way you could hide behind denial...ever. even more ironic how you can completely deny that you are in denial. oh, what a complicated web of tangles and contradictions and paradoxes.


We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"